Facebook.

Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.

As me and the wife laid there together.

I said, "Remember our first date? We went to the fair, brought some fish and chips, went on the roller coaster, we screamed, went in the love tunnel and we kissed, then we walked for miles over a field, laid down in the grass, made love, then a month later you found out you was pregnant, your dad told me that I had to do the right thing, my parents also told me I had to do the right thing, so we got married and we have raised little Jimmy so well too."

Wife at this point welling up and nearly bursting into tears, said, "Yes."

I looked back and said to her, "What was the name of that chip shop?"

I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi.

You ban gays from your town and interior design is going to suffer.

I was in a job interview.

The guy said, "What's your biggest strength?"

I said, "Self-control."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Well, I've gone two weeks without a wank."

My father in law rang me today to tell that my wife had given birth to a boy.

I said, "Great! Does he look like he's gonna be tall, like me?"

"He looks like he's gonna be proper basket ball player," he replied.

"So he's big then?"

"No," he replied. "He's black."

^LOL!

Manchester United made 81 crosses against Stoke.

Wayne Rooney hasn't seen that amount of crosses since his GCSE maths exam.

A policeman knocked at my door today.

He said, "A few of the neighbours are complaining about the music."

I said, "You're joking? It's only 7pm."

"I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon," he replied. "One Direction are still shit."

My wife just sent me a text: "I just bought you the best Valentine's Day present! xox"

I really hope she misspelt Xbox.

Girls, if a guy says 'f*ck me' during a Valentine's dinner, he's not getting horny.

He's just seen the prices on the menu.

Happy international emotional blackmail day!


i know- slowpoke 1 day

I've always dreamt of having a c0ck as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide.

Fanta sized, actually.

My girlfriend asked me to start treating her like the women from the classic black and white movies.


So I left her tied to the train tracks.

The brain of one monkey has been used to control the movements of another monkey, US scientists report.

In the Malaysia we just call that peer pressure between Ministries

I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the restroom's wall.

Mark Zuckerberg's to do list:
1) Buy WhatsApp for $19bil
2) Turn it off so people use FB chat

"Daddy, who's that man sitting in the kitchen?" asked my daughter.

"That's the doctor, he's come to see your mother."

"Well, is he going up to see her?"

"Yes, but I thought I'd let him sit and wait like they do to us."

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."

Just received a phone call from my wife saying she was to stay overnight at her mother's tonight.

Finishing my cigarette, I said to the woman sleeping next to me: 'tell your daughter she is a lying b*tch!'