As a single man, nothing depresses me more than the thought that even Hitler had a girlfriend.

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus.

I was laying on the sofa when my son had just come in with a fat lady.

"Ooo, there's a wron choice, son, if I've ever seen one," I said, peering over my glasses.

"You're a jerk dad!", he frothed.

"I wish sometimes you would keep your small minded opinions to yourself and actually try to get to know her, then you'll know that she's kind, funny and caring.

No matter what you think, she'll always be my mum!"

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

Just been banned from my church.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"

I've decided that the amount of time I spend surfing the web has become a problem and amounts to addiction.

So I've joined a self help forum.

My son had his first 69 today, but he thought it was gross.

He said he's going to stick to women his own age.

so brave...

"Tell the truth." The wife demanded, "Does this make me look too fat?"

"Err.. n..no." I stumbled. "It's.. It's ok."

"Oh good." She replied. "As long as I don't look ridiculous."


"Hang on, you didn't ask me THAT."

I got into a bit of trouble in the park late last night,

I saw this chick standing there in the dark, looking at me with her tits out and her panties down round her ankles.

So I went up to her and slid my hand between her legs only to grab hold of a pair of big sweaty balls,

That's when the fighting started.

No, she's not a tranny but...
How was I to know her Black boyfriend was giving her one from behind.

fuuuhhh racist sial!

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

I've tried to understand this joke but Im missing the punchline.

she wants to marry a rich doctor... but pronunciation changed it to witch..

She pelat one.

My car's fan belt snapped and I too broke to buy another.

Luckily though, there was a pair of the girlfriend's pantyhose in the glove compartment.

I used it as what desperate man would do.


Used it to rob a bank.

owhh.... thanks.

lol really didn't see that coming

Soccer Newsflash

So it looks like David Moyes is going to be leaving Old Trafford with a £4,000, 000 pay off.
And then there's the bonuses, from Liverpool, Manchester City, Arsenal, and Chelsea.


As the longest serving player, Ryan Giggs is Man.Utd.'s interim manager, with his sister-in-law in the No.2 position or the second longest serving member, Howard Webb has been lined up as his assistant.


Manchester United have announced Ryan Giggs will look after the team till the end of the season.
Ryan Giggs said in an interview with Sky Sports "It's great to follow in the footsteps of legends like Tommy Docherty"
"Surely you mean Sir Alex and Sir Matt?" the reporter asked.
"No," replied Giggs "Docherty shagged the physio's wife when he was manager here"


David Moyes situation! This is what it must feel like to leave your mrs for a better woman, to then not be able to fulfil the new womans needs, to then be dumped by the new woman, to then see your ex mrs has found herself a young Spanish bloke that's working wonders with her and is gonna take all around Europe next year whilst your at home in your pants watching it on facebook!


Following the sacking of Moyes, the police have been called to quell the protests outside Old Trafford.
The Liverpool, Man City, and Chelsea fans have been all told to go home.

People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties.


But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do my bed would probably make itself.