Apparently, I offended my optician last week. She saw me out in town and waved at me, but I didn't notice her.

Well, whose fault is that!?

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my d1ck!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his d1ck.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the f*ck are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms."

hahahahah

Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

My daughter admitted that she is having lesbian sex with her best friend.

As a reward for her honesty, I bought her a video camera.

Whenever my wife says, "We need to talk"

I never seem to get much of a chance.

Your naivete astounds me...

wise father there

'North Korea plans nuclear test targeting US'

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

I smiled at her, winked and said, "Are you busy after work?"

"Yes," replied the marriage counsellor.

LOL!!

My girlfriend wanted me to go new year shopping, but I had a headache...

I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

I said to the wife, "I'm horny."

"What you want me to do?"

"Give me a shag."

"Oh, really?"

"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache."

A colleague asked, "So are you expecting any Valentines cards this year?"

"Me? No," I laughed

"It's just a scam from the big corporations bleeding people dry with their stupid cards and red ribbons."

"Yeah, I don't have a girlfriend either," I replied

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms.

He notice me staring and make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said,

"Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!"

I don't know what's more shocking: the attempt to fix 380 football matches,

or that Liverpool could only score 1 goal against a team whose keeper was paid to concede 3

Behind every great man is a great woman.

And behind that great woman is the great man's bank account.

"How do I treat my girlfriend better and make her even happier?"

Is what I just entered into Google right after deleting my internet history.

I really wanted to watch Taken 2 whereas my Girlfriend wanted to watch the Notebook. After much argument we agreed on a compromise...

and watched the Notebook.