Lionel Messi has already been on the phone to Pope Francis , to congratulate him on becoming the second most worshiped Argentinian on earth.

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

Women.
They don't like it when you ask their age, but kill you if you forget their birthday.

Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.

A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.

Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"

I'm going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5,

I clearly don't understand the meaning of Final.

lololol

bought mine after the 3rd installment of Final Fantasy..

I'm going to make a secret pornography organization called the illuminaughty.

First, you must prepare to leave the Shire for once and for all, and head for the hills.

You will be pursued by the mysterious Black Riders, so you must try to take a shortcut through an eerie woodland called the Old Forest, where you will be captured by an evil willow tree and rescued by Tom Bombadil. He will give you shelter and warn you about the evil spirits of the Barrow-downs. You will blunder into trouble with the Barrow-Wights, but Tom will come to your rescue again. You must then loot the Barrows before continuing on your way, taking a short sword left over from the kingdom of Arnor's ancient war against the Nazguls.

Your next stop shall be the village of Bree. There, at an inn called The Prancing Pony, you will meet a Man named Strider, whom the innkeeper will describe as a "Ranger."

You will have to leave town hurriedly, and Strider shall offer to be your guide to Rivendell. To begin with, you will be suspicious of the Ranger until Butterbur produces a letter from Gandalf, informing you that Strider is actually Aragorn, chieftain of the Dunedain.

You must then escape from the Black Riders in Bree, and purchase a pony from Bill Ferny, a suspicious character, before heading into the wilderness, taking a roundabout route to Rivendell. At a hill known as Weathertop, you will be ambushed by the Black Riders, and wounded. As you continue toward Rivendell, you will become increasingly ill, due to the evil nature of the dagger with which you were stabbed.

Elrond, shall send people out looking for you, and one of these, an Elf lord named Glorfindel, will find you. Thanks to Glorfindel's horse (and some magical help from Elrond and Gandalf), you will be able to get by the Black Riders at the Ford of Bruinen and finally arrive at Elrond's stronghold, although your Barrow sword will be broken in the confrontation.

When you awaken in Rivendell, the first person you meet will be Gandalf, who shall chastise you for all the boneheaded moves you've made so far.

You will then be summoned to the Council of Elrond, where Gloin will report that agents of Sauron have been nosing around Erebor looking for you. Legolas will inform you that Gollum, who had been held in the custody of the Wood Elves, has escaped. Boromir will report that he had a dream in which he was told to seek the Sword That Was Broken, as well as "Isuldur's Bane". Aragorn will report that now that Isuldur's Bane has been found, the sword will be reforged. Gandalf will report that the former leader of the White Council, Saruman, has turned traitor and took Gandalf prisoner, although he escaped with some help from Gwaihir, the Lord of the Eagles). After much debate, the Council shall decide that your only chance is to proceed to Mount Doom, which is located right smack dab in the centre of Mordor, the land of Sauron. You will volunteer for this mission.

Since the mission will rely on stealth more than brute strength, Elrond will decide that a small group shall be sent with you. Gandalf will lead the group; Aragorn and Boromir go on behalf of Men; Gimli, son of Gloin, for the Dwarves; Legolas for the Elves; and Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin for the hobbits. Before you leave, Bilbo will give you his Elvish sword, Sting, and a chain mail shirt made of mithril silver, a very tough, beautiful, and durable metal.

You will depart from Rivendell, where you shall be prevented from passing over the Misty Mountains, due to the malice of Caradhras, and be pursued by wargs. Gandalf will have no option but to lead you to the gate of Moria. An ancient underground dwarven kingdom, Moria has now fallen into evil. You will encounter a demonic creature of fire and shadow called a Balrog. Gandalf will attempt to hold the monster at bay whilst you flee, and he will fall into a chasm, dragging the Balrog down with him.

You will now be led by Aragorn, escape from Moria and make your way to Lothlarien, an Elvish kingdom ruled by the Lady Galadriel and her consort, Celeborn. The Elves will give you shelter and supplies. Galadriel will show you and Sam her magic mirror, in which you shall see strange visions. Just before the Fellowship departs, Galadriel will bestow gifts upon you. Among these are Elvish cloaks that provide almost supernatural camouflage. To you, she shall bestow a glass phial in which a glimmer of the light of the Silmarils has been captures. To Sam, she will give a box of dirt.

You will travel downriver by boat, where you shall learn that you are being followed by Gollum. Finally, you will arrive at the Falls of Rauros, where you must decide either to go directly east to Mordor, or west to Gondor first. You shall realise that it is you duty to go to Mordor, but you will be fearful the welfare of your companions. As you ponder your course of action, you will be approached by Boromir, who shall urge you to go to Minas Tirith, the capital city of Gondor. When you attempt to explain to Boromir that he cannot, he will fall into a rage and attack you, forcing you to escape from him, and depart for Mordor alone. Boromir will regain his senses and inform the rest of the Fellowship that you have disappeared. Everyone will scatter in confusion, except Aragorn, who alone keeps his head. He shall order Boromir to follow Merry and Pippin to keep them safe, then head off to find you. Sam alone will ascertain your intentions, and intercept you just you are casting off to cross the river. You will try and persuade Sam to stay behind, but he insist on going with you to Mordor.

Aragorn will follow your trail, but will be too late to catch you.

As you and Sam try to escape the treacherous hills on the east side of the river, you will encounter Gollum. You will succeed in taming him, and force him to guide you to the gate of Mordor. After a harrowing passage of the Dead Marshes, you shall reach the entrance to Mordor. However, the gate will be closed tight and swarming with orcs. Gollum will claim that he knows of a less-guarded entrance to Mordor in the mountain passes to the south, and will offer to take you there. As you continue on your way, Sam shall become increasingly aware of a conflict between the two different parts of Gollum's personality. The "Smeagol" half shall seem genuinely reformed, but the "Gollum" half will be just as treacherous as ever.

While passing through Ithilien, a forestland on the borders of Mordor, you and Sam will be captured by the Rangers of Ithilien, led by Faramir, Boromir's younger brother. When the Rangers capture Gollum, you must bargain for his release. With Faramir's blessing, you will make you way to the vicinity of Minas Morgul, the city of the Nazgul, the second of the Two Towers. As you pass by, you will see a great host issue forth from the black city and head towards Gondor.

Gollum's path will lead you far up into the mountains. You shall come to the entrance of a dark tunnel, which Gollum enters. You and Sam shall muster up your courage and pass within, and will quickly discover that the passage is a black maze and that your guide has deserted you. By using Galadriel's phial and Sting, you and Sam will escape from the maze, but will be attacked by Shelob, a giant spider. Sam will rush to your aid, but will be ambushed by Gollum. By the time Sam extricates himself from Gollum's grasp, you will have been poisoned. Sam will take Sting and drive the spider away, but the damage will have been done, and you will be dead.

Then, and only then, will you get back the refunds from AirAsia.

wth.. read all and got trolled

Trollolololo

I've got such an addiction to porn that actually getting a girlfriend has ruined my sex life

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
him. He asked if they
wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
after they went home
and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
went to see him. He
asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
long. The man
laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
more than one. Once at
home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
he gulped them
down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
friend. Asking for some
liniment, he showed him his d.ck which was ripped to shreds. In
disbelief, his friend asked
if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his d***. Charlie
replied "No,I need it for
my arms the women never showed up!"

This post has been edited by sherdil: Mar 20 2013, 07:31 PM

I was a bit paranoid about my sexual prowess after catching my wife filling in a Cosmopolitan questionnaire- "Is Your Man Bad In Bed?".

"It's just something to do when I'm bored" she protested.

"That's a relief" I replied, as I carried on thrusting.

I was at the local pool yesterday, swimming along minding my own business when a body came flying through the air and crashed into me.

F*cking women divers.

"Don't punish me for loving you.
That's the court's job." - Husband.

I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in.

I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me.

They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

I thought my wife was having an affair with another bloke after I found a text on her phone.

Fortunately she's not. It's still the same guy.

Bob and Mike are sitting in the pub.

"It's funny," says Bob, "I was wondering for years where my wife spent her evenings."

"And you found out?" asks Mike.

"Aye," says Bob. "I went home early one evening last week and there she was."