THE MOST FAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS BOOK EVER PUBLISHED!!

If you've never heard of this book, well...YOU SHOULD!

John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus has helped many millions of couples transform their relationship. Now viewed as a modern classic, this phenomenal book has helped men and women realise how different they really are and how to communicate their needs in such a way that conflict doesnt arise and intimacy is given every chance to grow.

And now, right here in this very own thread, summaries of each chapter will be put up from time to time. Please note that I will not be touching on some of the solutions offered by the author of this book. If you like what you read, please give the author credit by purchasing the book for yourselves! Trust me, it's a good book to own.

Chapter 1 is basically an introduction to the book and all its chapters, so I wont be posting a summary of that. I will start with chapter 2, and although I've tried my best to shorten it, forgive me if it's a long read. I had to leave some things intact so that the context is there.

One last thing, whenever Martians or Venusians are mentioned, they simply refer to men (martians) and women (venusians). Also, when the author mentions Mars and Venus, it's just an illustration-lah. He's not saying men and women are aliens.

With that out of the way, enjoy chapter 2! Future chapter releases will be announced here and the links to the appropriate thread page will be posted up as well.

Links to other chapters:
Chapter 2: Mr Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee here
Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk here
Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex here
Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages here
Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands here
Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves here

This post has been edited by jhcj: Aug 4 2006, 03:09 PM

Chapter 2: Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee

Introduction
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that they dont listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for awhile and then proudly puts on his Mr Fix-It cap and offers her a solution. Men dont understand that women dont want solutions, they want empathy.

On the other hand, the most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man, she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

Summary: Men offer solutions, while women seek to improve.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 21 2005, 02:28 PM

Life on Mars
Men value power, competency, efficiency and achievement. Their sense of self is defined by their ability to achieve results, and they experience fulfilment primarily through success and accomplishment. And for him to feel good about himself, he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else cant achieve them for him. Understanding this characteristic can help women to understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesnt know what to do or that he cannot do it on his own.

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Policemen, soldiers, businessmen, scientists, etc all wear uniforms or at least hats to show abilty and power. They dont read self-help magazines or romance novels. They are interested in outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, or racing cars. They are more interested in "objects" and "things", because they feel that it can be a reflection or indication of their success or ability.

Because men handle their problems on their own, they rarely talk about them. The reason: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?". However, if he truly needs help, he will ask someone he respects, often times another man. Men feel honored by giving out advice, and they automatically put on their Mr Fix-It cap, listen for awhile, and then offer jewels of advice.

This custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman complains about her day, or innocently shares upset feelings, the men mistakenly think that they want expert advice. He puts on his Mr Fix-It cap, and starts giving advice - this is his way of showing love and trying to help.

He wants to help her feel better, to be useful to her, and feels that he is can be valued and thus worthy of her love if his abilities are used to solve her problems. But when the woman gets upset it becomes increasingly difficult for the man to listen, because his solutions are being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. He has no idea that just listening with empathy and interest is good enough. He does not know that when women talk about problems it is not an invitation to offer a solution.

Summary: A man's sense of self is defined primarily through his ability to achieve results. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesnt know or that he cannot do it on his own.

Life on Venus
Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships. They spend alot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfilment through sharing and relating to others.

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, Venusians are concerned with living together in harmony, communicating and loving cooperation. They do not wear uniforms like the Martians. On the contrary, they enjoy wearing different outfits each day, according to their feelings. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.

To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Instead of being goal-oriented, women are relationship-oriented. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing and growth. They are very intuitive, because they have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves on being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.

Because it's not as important to prove one's competence, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness to Venusians. It is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Women firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.

Men are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is "Dont fix it unless it's broken". When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He thinks he's "broken". She doesnt realise that her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him, and mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

Summary: A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships.

another one? why do i feel the content still the same as the old one? so what new in this book compare to the first edition?.....

nothing. it's the same book. i'm just posting up chapter summaries.

LOL..... i thought got new book....i dont remember much coz i got this last year.... what i remember is that cave, dragon inside cave, rubber band thingy....

@phiberoptic

Yeah.. he used such terms, i can remember the rubber band thingy. Chapter 3 will be up in a few days time. Busy with exams currently.

thanks for helping me out kenlui!

how much the book cost?

@jhcj

No problem. It's my pleasure...Just finished one of my exams.

@kwws

I bought it last year, it was selling at RM34.90

looks l;ike me gotta buy one for meself.

@pizzaboy

Yeah, a good book for reference. Worth the money spent.

Haha, I didn't buy the book.. I juz stand in MPH to read it...hahahaha....

Anyways, its really a good book, however, dun be over dependant on a book also le...hahaha...

wah cheap...i tot its over 50 like tat

yeah, you shouldnt be overly dependant on the book. it gives you a general idea of what people of both genders are like, but it is by no means conclusive, because there always are exceptions out there.

Summarry of chapter 3 is done. Would be up soon.

@jhcj

Well, what john gray wrote is the general characters of men and women. I do agree that they're exceptions. But most of the relationship problems are covered in his book. That's why it's so popular.

yup...i've already received the summary from kenlui. once again, many thanks for helping me out. i'll post up chapter 3 tomorrow.

@jhcj

No problem... Just mention it, and i'll try my best.

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter!

Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

Introduction
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasing overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are different from a woman's. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.

Finding Relief in the Cave
When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problems, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is, the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he may be incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives.

Summary : To feel better, Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone. As for Venusians, they get together and openly talk about their problems.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Sep 16 2006, 09:12 AM

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

How Women React to the Cave
When a man is stuck in his cave, he can be powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn't know how stressed he is. Women generally do not understand how man cope with stress. They expect them to open up and talk about all their problems the way women do.

On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant.

To increase cooperation, both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk.

Summary: When a man is stuck in his cave, he can be powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:14 AM

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

Finding Relief Through Talking
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems she talks about, the more he feels blamed. He does not realise that talking makes her feel better. A man doesnt know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. Men generally talk for two reasons: to blame and to seek advice. If a woman is upset he'll think she's blaming him. If she's less upset he'll think she wants advice. If he assumes she's asking for advice, he'll put on his Mr Fix-It cap. If he assumes she's blaming him, he'll draw his sword to protect himself.

Summary: A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:15 AM

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

How the Martians and Venusians Found Peace
The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn't have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. When men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at lestening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of this day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. They discovered that by askng for the Martians' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention. When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When Martians felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the they would more quickly come out of their caves.

Summary: When men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. Women should not take it personally when men are completely preoccupied with their problems.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:15 AM

i really hope girl read this chapter.....its true when man are despress they just want to be alone.....and dont want to talk bout it...

really just wish that girl could understand us better

this thread isnt just for the girls only. the guys should also understand that when the girls talk to us whenever we are feeling down, all they want to do is help us. that's how they show their love to us.

it's great if we can promote dialogue between the sexes through this thread. hopefully we can understand each other's differences better.

i also wish that guy could understand us better...

aiyoh.. thats the purpose of this thread ler... its for guys to understand girls and girls to understand guys....

understanding is a two way thing..... both have to learn to understand....and compromise...

How do ppl define understanding? Well, i believe it's a very very wide scope to cover. There are yet few more chapters to be pinned up. After reading thru, i guess u guys would have a better idea.

yeap...new chapter will be out by tomorrow evening i hope!! i have a long day tomorrow, dunno if can make it through the day. sigh.

if it's not out tomorrow, it'll be out the day after. please be patient!

finish read already.....but some of its i cant accept la....not so true of course.....

Sorry guys, chapter 4 will have to wait. I'm stuck in office and i have no time to summarise the chapter. Will do it ASAP, latest by tomorrow.

@phiberoptic

Well, it's just a general talk of the author about relationships. Some of the issues may not apply as it differs from individuals.

This book usually works only for couples who have communication problems. If you're looking to fix "bad attitude" problems of your girl/guy, this book is definitely far away from being your bible.

Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

When Martians became depressed, they left their cities and went to their caves for a long time. One day they glimpsed upon the beautiful Venusians, and the sight of these wondrous beings inspired the Martians, and their depression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed.

When the Venusians became depressed, they formed circles and talked about their problems. However, this didnt seem to relieve their depression, until one day they had a vision of strong and wondrous beings from Mars who would come to love, serve and support them. Suddenly they felt cherished.

When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and and less energised, and with each passing day he has less and less to give into the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhaustive from giving too much. On the other hand, when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

Summary: Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. In contrast, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 7 2005, 01:26 PM

When a Man Loves a Woman
Martians have a win/lose philosophy - I want to win, and I dont care if you lose. In most sports today you can see an extension of this competitive code. This attitude has a place in life, but can be harmful in adult relationships. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

Differences Attract
The differences in Venusians attracted them to the Martians. Where they were hard, the Venusians were soft. Where they were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way, their differences seemed to compliment each other. In an unspoken language, the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and and strength can bring us great fulfillment...filling a void deep within our being. Together we can live in great happiness". This invitation motivated and empowered the Martians.

Love Motivates Martians
When a man is in love he is motivated to be the best in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels confident of himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress to his old selfish ways. To experience fulfillment he must begin his life motivated by love. Being inspired by giving in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of self-gratification devoid of caring for others. When a man doesnt feel needed, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

Summary: Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress to his old selfish ways.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 31 2005, 12:24 AM

When a Woman Loves a Man
Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she's not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Men dont realise this because their instincts tell them it's best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, he leaves her alone out of respect, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not realise that she just needs someone to listen. Through sharing her feelings doubt and mistrust melt away. She calms down, remembers that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled.

Too Much Giving is Tiring
To deal with their depression women share their feelings and talk about their problems. As they talked they found the cause of their depression - they were tired of giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling responsible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. Women live by a lose/win philosophy - "I lose so that you can win". Because of this, women need to learn how to receive, while men need to learn how to give.

Giving Up Blame
When a woman realises she's been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she received. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance and support are the solution, not blaming others. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she does not ask for it, listen to her even if it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares. Instead of blaming the man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner's imperfections, especially when he dissapoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesnt offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

Summary: A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love - she doesnt have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Learning to Give and Learning to Receive can be found and read in the original book, so please buy it if you like what you read!

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 31 2005, 12:26 AM

so far they are all surprisingly true.... sums me up pretty well........ cant wait to know the rest

is the writer a man or a woman?

edit:
nvm... itsw a man... wow.. he sure knows women

glad to know that the summaries are helping, shadowprincess. some of the solutions offered in the book are quite effective, but then again..i cant reveal everything lah. must give credit to the author also, so that you guys will go and buy the book.

i'm dead tired today. it's been a long day.

wow... nice info
keep it up guys!

sorry guys for not updating this thread. i was away from 2/06 till today, and i just got back home. i'm dead tired. i'll post chapter 5 as soon as i can. for now, i need to rest!

@jhcj

I thought u would PM me for help. Do let me know if u need any help. I can still help for a week. Although exams are coming soon, but i guess i can still help u with a chapter or two.

i would have, but i was away on a camping trip the past 3 days. i just got back today, and i'm dead tired. anyways, thanks for helping me out with the next chapter.

everyone can expect the next update tomorrow or the day after!

Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages

Introduction
Martians and Venusian languages had the same words, but they way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different emotional emphasis or connotations. Misinterpreting each other was very easy.

Expressing feelings versus expressing information
Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she's feeling at that moment. It is not to be taken as factual information.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. Other examples of complaints easily misinterpreted are like the following:



The "literal" translation of a woman's words can easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. In turn, a man's misguided response might also lead to an argument. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.

Summary: To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations. Men commonly take these expressions literally by mistake.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 7 2005, 01:24 PM

The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary
The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary.

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I'm afraid I am boring you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say. Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging and reassuring statements such as 'Tell me more' or 'That's right' or 'I understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of those reassuring sounds: 'oh', 'uh-huh', or 'hmmm'. (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

Without this translation, men may hear "I give you my attention but you dont listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."

"You dont love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as thoughj you dont love me. I'm afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good.

Without this translation, men may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do not care about everybody. Iwas a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It's been a few days since we went out." Without this translation a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic and just boring."

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 10 2005, 02:08 AM

When Men Dont Talk
One of the biggest challenges for men is to correctly interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. In contrast, the biggest challenge for women is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isnt talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesnt hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding.

Men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressins them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. This process could take from minutes to hours, and to make matters worse, he may not even answer at all if he does not have enough information to process an answer.

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I dont know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead they hear is "I am not responding to you because I dont care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."

How She Reacts To His Silence
Women easily misinterpret silence because depending on how she is feeling on that day, she might begin to imagine the very worst - "He hates me, he doesnt love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her biggest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I dont deserve to be loved."

Women do this because the only times a woman would ever be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didnt want to talk to a person because she didnt trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. Without reassuring responses when women are talking, a man's silence can be very threatening. Women must know how to handle a man when he goes into his cave.

Getting Burned By The Dragon
It is important for women to understand not to get a man to talk before he is ready. Women should not take it personally when men withdraw to their caves. Most importantly, women should not follow the men into their caves. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.

Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just havent understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. At such times, she naturally tries to get him to talk. She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel that he is upset. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowinly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you. What is it?" He says "It's nothing." She asks "It's not nothing. Something is bothering you. What are you feeling?" He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!" She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you're feeling? You dont love me. I feel so rejected by you."

At this point he loses control and says things that he'll regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.

Summary: The biggest challenge for women is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isnt talking. When a man is silent it is easy for women to assume the worst. Never go into a man's cave or you'll be burned by the dragon!

When Martians Do Talk
Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's cave but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that they are about to enter the cave or that they are already in the cave. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I'm OK." These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I'm upset and I need some time alone," men just become quiet.

When a man makes one of those brief comments, he generally wants silent acceptance or space. Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."

Without this translation, women may think that he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an abbreviated language.

Summary: When a man makes one of those brief comments, he generally wants silent acceptance or space.

Chapter 5 has a whole bunch of excellent solutions to overcome communication problems offered at the end of the chapter which are not covered in this summary. Please, consider getting this book if you want to find out more! It's worth the money!

Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands

Introduction
A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understanding the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting back. Most women are suprised to realise that even when a man loves a woman, he periodically needs to pull away before he can get closer.

Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman will pull away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesnt trust him to understand her feelings, when she's been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her. Although a man may also pull away for the same reasons, he may sometimes pull away even when she has done nothing wrong.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel the need for intimacy and love again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesnt feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

Summary: When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 14 2005, 10:09 PM

What Every Woman Should Know About Men
How a Man is Suddenly Transformed
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself. He will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.

When a rubber band is stretched to its limit, it will return with alot of power and spring. Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with alot of power and spring. Once he has pulled away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. His whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner (while he is pulling away), suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire for love has been reawakened.

This is generally puzzling for women because in her experience is she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If a woman does not understand that men are different in this way, she might have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. Men also need to understand this difference. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands that a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy - especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away.

Why Men Pull Away And Why Women Panic
Men begin to feel their need for independence and autonomy after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. When this happens women panic - they do not realise that when he fulfills his need for independence and autonomy he will suddenly want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

A woman may panic and react with fear when men pull away because she might feel that she has done something wrong and turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy and is afraid he will never come back. To make matters worse, she might feel powerless to get him because she doesnt know what she did to turn him off. She doesnt realise that this is just part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what's the matter, he doesnt have a clear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He just continues to distance her even more. Without an understanding of this cycle, it is easy for men and women to begin to doubt their love.

Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves

Introduction
A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.

When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.

A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understands what she needs at these times; otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.

Summary: A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is time for emotional housecleaning.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 21 2005, 02:26 PM

How Men React To The Wave
When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But just like men pull back and then get close, women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. Once minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.

Don't Try To Fix It
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support.

Summary: In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

How Men Are Confused
When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

A man may get confused because as he listens to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.

Summary: Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.

.. headache

this book having 2 version? i found tat got 1 version was publish on year 1992 .

m... sounds impressing!
i gonna go get one of it!

with this now~ I can study the art of Relation
perhaps I can test the trueness by applying on my fishing

hope they(everything) work out just right

There's only one version, but there are many reprints. The book you saw is probably one of these reprints.

after i read tru all the 7 chapters///man.. i really need to get my hand on this book.. go mph and read there...no $$ to buy

i wish i was from mars i wonder wut venus is like

wow...... im impress wif this book man..... gonna go borders and look for it hehe

well if u wonders what venus was like... then get this book

Sounds interesting..... Plan to get 1 copies of it... how much it cost ar?? (Lazy to read back to find out) hehehee

i just bought a copy of the book. i have been wanting to buy the book, now, i've bought it, so happy!!!

How much does the book costs and where did you buy it from? I can't find it in popular. And are there 7 chapters only?

if you dun want to buy the new one or if you dun mind to buy a second hand book, you can try to go to summit USJ, there is a second hand book shop located at LG (besides MPH bookstore), you can find the book there..(sorry, i forgot the name of that shop), If i not mistaken, the cost is around 80.

lolz... this book amuses me..

Dragon protects man's cave, woman are like waves.

Dragon flame scorches, Tsunami waves devastate

Thanks for the information. Will have a look around the bookshop if I am there.

By reading this book definitely help u to understand urself and ur opposite gender better ... I had this book borrowed from a good friend of mine, but I haven't read it ... I'm sort of suffering from a 'relationship' now... but after reading this thread, I seem to understand what I did is wrong and what I intepret is wrong too... It's time for me to finish the book ASAP

Whoa..so expensive? Hard cover ka? O_o

The paperback for this book is only RM30+ the last time I checked for a new book. You can get it in almost every bookstore like MPH.

I wish you all the best!

sorry for the late reply. it cost me around RM30++, hard cover.

are there only 7 chapters altogether? or more? might wanna get one soon

There are more of course, but the remaining chapters are more practical, so it would be best if you read from the book yourself.

erm... i dun think is hard cover wor..
cos last 2 months i went there and thinking to buy some book to read.. i saw this book and decide to buy but then bring insuffiecient of money, so i didn't buy... or mayb i forgot the price gua....

Altogether theres 13 chapters...just finished reading the book. I get to understand more bout myself and the opposite sex...but it doesn't make u or your relationship perfect,it just helps you to improve it. I might wanna get 1, this book i borrowed from my friend 1. Anyone know any 2nd hand book store selling this book??Thanks...

"Payless bookstore".

which outlet of pay less bookstore ...u saw the book? how much?

i've seen it in most of the outlets. hmm... let me think, i've seen it in Summit & Amcorp. The price, i'm not so sure, i think it's RM25++. but i'm sure it's definitely cheaper than other bookshops like MPH & etc. for both hard cover or soft cover.

Someone do a bulk for the book.

haha who willing????i buy...

Oh good. Im buying this book, how much does it cost ?
Nothing to read nowadays ...

Oh my God! I wish i have known this earlier. if not i would not have been in the condition of 'breakup also dunno what happened'. so cham arr..... thanks dude!

wow.... i love this book la.
n it is 1 of my collection...
other than this i do have others like

mars and venus on a DATE
mars n venus in LOVE
Men, Women and Relationships
mars and venus TOGATHER FOREVER
n more coming......

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM HELL
taken from net... darn farnee.. if feel offended... dont flame, just ignore.
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?S...11&LayoutType=1

Yeah a good book I've read like 8.5/10 of it ... and stopped because i have no time to read
Maybe i should start bringing bags along and put the book in it so that next time im able to read it while in riding the LRT

Women need to be heard. When women talk to their bf or husband, they want the men to listen and understand how they feel. But most men don't understand this and instead men give advice. Women don't want advice, they just need to be heard and understand. From my personal experience, men rarely make eye contact when they talk with their gf/spouse. Eye contact is extremely important to women.

The next time your gf/wife want to have deep conversation with you....you can do them a great favour by just listen while making eye contact and .....shut up...


.

This post has been edited by Empathy: Sep 27 2006, 03:39 AM

who want buy this book..i can get 10% dc if i managed to find it~

Hmm if they are no woman in this world YIKES too many GAY's around no WAY I want to live like that

just a quick question ... how do we (martian) show our understanding without giving advice ??

I have a Q.. something here seems like a catch-22.

Men don't like to be told how to do things, which probably includes how to improve their relationships. They also don't like the women to try and change them.

So isn't this book kinda counterproductive? Since it attempts to tell them how to improve their relationships, and attempts to change the way they treat their significant other.

So how to get your bf/hubby to read this in the first place? Lol.

This post has been edited by althea: Oct 14 2006, 09:22 PM

This book is sodamn frickin good man! I wanted to start a thread 'What goes on in a woman's mind?' but this answers it all! SOLID SHIT! I am gonna go get myself this book......not that I am into books or anything but this really does help, impressive!

this book is good.but i have the better one

Better one? Intro the book

this is weird. seems that my girl is from mars and im from venus. i did all the venus ppl will do while my girl do all the mars ppl will do. is the book label the mar and venus wrongly?

i m from pluto...

The book is not 100% accurate. There's some unique case like you and your partner which go against what the book wrote

THANK FOR YOU IDEA

Invest in a woman

It's a great fortune to invest your time in a woman, especially a good woman. If you are an experienced man, you would certainly agree with me.

Women are peculiar species. If you have succeeded in conquering her heart, she will ceaselessly sacrifice for you till the end of your life.

Just think over, you just spend a little of your time to go out for dinner with her, watch a movie or give her a simple gift, or say a few words to touch her heart or you promise her that you will bring happiness till the end of her life, or take time to help her kill some cockroaches in the kitchen, or sometimes spend some efforts helping her to carry some heavy stuff, or to open the car door for her. Continue to do all the above things and care for her well-being for 2 to 3 years to come........

What do you get in return?

You will be amazed to find that you have a woman whom would continue to care for your well-being for the rest of your life. She will wait for you at the door steps with a na�ve and sweet smile each time when you meet her (of course, you don't get the sweet smile when you are arguing with her), nevertheless, she would still prepare a warm dinner for you after the heated argument has faded away...

The greatest of all things she has done for her life, is to give birth to your child (of course, the unbearable pain need not be mentioned here)... She would continue to care and feed the child that carry your surname for many years to come no matter how naughty your child would be.

On top of that, she also does the thing you that hated the most, i.e. doing housework, washing your clothes, sleep your child and tossing alone in the bedroom waiting for you at night for your return. For some of you, you would rather spend some time drinking with your friends at the bar and telling her that you have important assignments in the office, letting her to wait for your return in the living room till the wee hours of the morning ...

When you are down, she will be the first to encourage you. When you are happy, she would be the first to feel for your happiness before you open your mouth to tell her by looking at your face. When you achieve some good results at work or assignments, she feels the happiness with all her heart and pray to God to protect and bless you with more successes in the future.

Despite all the above, you repay her by asking her to talk less and tell her not to bother your work. You ask her to sleep when she wanted to spend some precious time with you sharing with some simple happenings of the day. Sometimes, you are too proud to take her out when you are out with your friends. Can you feel that the suffering that she has to endure for the next 30 years of her life staying with someone like you?

And for men, for the next 30 years, what do you do to repay her gratitude; you are only capable to continue to do what you know.......to work

Please continue to appreciate the woman of your life....

If you noticed that if there any women whom start to show some sacrifices to you, your door to the days of happiness has opened before you ....

Please grab the opportunity to share the happiness with her and help her to be the man of her dreams....