MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM HELL
Hey you. Yes, you, that girl that lets you buy her dinner just enough times that you get up the courage to kiss her, and then acts all offended/surprised like "Oh! I don't want you to get the wrong idea!" Listen, chica. I just went through $60 in wine alone. So here's the thing:

God created man in his own image. Satan saw this and made Eve. The Devil was a woman, and that's why all women are the Devil. You see, if you read the bible, you get the impression that man was bored and needed somebody to talk to, somebody to cook for him, somebody with which to share his time. This is wrong.

Man was doing fine. He ate the biblical equivalent of Hot Pockets, and it was good. The only reason Eve was made from Adam's rib, is because she tried to rip out his heart and missed. Several inches to the left and women would be made from our elbows. This would be great. Because my elbow has never asked me if it looks fat. Every time I think of ribs, I want seconds.

Going with this theory, shouldn't all men then be God? Well, we are. We are invincible bastions of emotional bliss. We are always happy. Anything we want, we know we can buy if we work a little harder. We run almost every country, corporation, religion and liquor store. Everything is under our control. Almost everything. But then, the Devil had breasts.

The miracle of birth
There's no other explanation. We certainly had nothing to do with those. In a world without breasts, there would be no war or poverty or disease. The Athenians would never have invaded Troy. Henry VIII would have never divorced what's-her-name and legitimized Anglican departure from the Church.

The Puritans would have never needed to flee to Plymouth. And we, the Americans in a Republican, puritanical society, would not be dicking around in Iraq. OJ would still be free, but that's beside the point. AIDS would not spread nearly as quickly. Oh. And Jesus would be a virgin, too. Probably. Maybe not. Was he? Hmm. Maybe I'd know the answer to that if I could read a Picture Bible and not have to stare at Mary's tits!

If we ourselves had breasts, nothing would ever get done. No, sicko, we wouldn't be fondling ourselves. We'd be too busy watching Reese Witherspoon in Just Like Heaven and quoting Meg Ryan in our away messages to notice other insignificant shit, like inflation, or the Germans invading Poland.

We'd call our friend Suzie on our RAZR phones and wonder why Nick hasn't called. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY NICK HASN'T CALLED?! He's not thinking about you. He's trying to find his car keys so he can get to the 7-Eleven before it closes and grab those pink marshmallow things with the coconut on them. Why? Because if you close your eyes, they feel like breasts!

It's not that babies can't be made without you; we just haven't figured it out yet. We're trying. That's why we're in labs right now cloning sheep and putting embryos in test tubes. We'd probably get it done faster too, if you didn't need our attention every second of every day. "I don't want dessert." You do, you just want me to order it for you. "You never call!" You never pick up the phone, because you want to see if I'll keep calling back! "You never say anything nice about me." You never die!

Yet at the end of the day, women are just like our elbows: We can't live without them. And if we did, it'd be awkward to reach those test tubes. So truce? Good. Now give me $60. And take the bus home.