Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

May I take this opportunity and congratulate you and yours 🍾🎈 on the coming wedding.

Your better half has a very, uncannily, eerily similar backstory as my niece, who’s also getting married soon. I hope you’re not my future nephew in law posting this on serious kopitiam... but if you are, then welcome in advance to the family, my niece couldn’t have picked a better man and thanks in advance for the Lego UCS Batmobile that you bought for me.

Ok, kidding aside, it’s admirable that you wish to observe the cultural rites and pay the appropriate respect to your spouse to be’s side - the significance of the dowry is the gratitude it’s suppose to symbolize, a token of your thanks to her side of the family, for having brought her up to be the fine young lady that she is today.

Matters as these are best decided upon by the elders - in your case your parents and your wife’s aunt. Perhaps it’s best your wife to be speaks to her aunt and say what’s in her heart; something akin to what my niece said to my wife that forever endeared her aunt to her: “ 阿姨，您从我小孩就疼爱我，教导我，给我感觉家庭的温暖。您是我的母亲。”

Translated: “Auntie, since I was a child, I’ve only ever known love, guidance and the warmth of a family from you. You are to me, a mother”

And then that would legitimize your aunt’s acceptance of the dowry.

Good luck, and congratulations once again.

PS. for the sake of clarity, my niece and future nephew in law are doing away with any semblance of a traditional Chinese wedding/ceremony - so there’s no dowry discussed, or any to be paid.

Mind if I ask what is your fiancé's opinion on this? Like whom does she feels the dowry should be presented to?

I had come across a somewhat similar situation, the bride's uncle and aunt's discussed among themselves (grandparents already passed away at that point), in the end the dowry (along with the other stuff like biscuits, oranges, etc) was given to one of the closer aunt with other aunt and uncle also being present.

The aunts and uncle then discuss & decided to use the dowry to cover some of bride side wedding cost. In a way the dowry was sorta like given to bride side family (her aunts & uncles) instead of given to a specific person, if you get what I mean.

ask fiance whom does this money should pass on. most likely her aunt, let her aunt decide how to use this on her wedding.

btw, her parents wont be invited to the wedding?

Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

In her eyes, her father figure and mother figure were her grandparents. The only other person she feel is entitled to "give her away" is her aunt, who has refused the honour on our first meeting.

In her eyes, her father figure and mother figure were her grandparents. The only other person she feel is entitled to "give her away" is her aunt, who has refused the honour on our first meeting.


Father will be invited. But not the mother as she has not seen her mother since a child. She won't even be able to recognise if she saw her mother on the street. To her the mother is non-existent.

I would suggest you to have your fiancee decided to whom the dowry should be presented to (most probably grandparents or aunt), or even better if your fiancée discuss together with her grandparents and aunt and make a decision together so everybody is on the same page.

got father and invited, of course so hard to be the one giving away la. the aunt is dad side or mum side

As a groom you shouldn't care about it. It's up to her guardians/parents to be asking from you but since they have all passed on, lost contact and etc then leave it as it is.

For your info my father in law didn't ask any dowry from me. He just asked for tables and I was instructed to give 12 oranges and one small ang pau.

That's all

Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.

Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.

Grandparents passed away already.
You are right. It is not that straightforward.

Fiancee is extremely adamant that her father does not give her away because he never took part in raising her. Aunt probably refused because like you said, need to give face to father (i.e., her brother). However the father does acknowledge that he never take care of his daughter, and accepts that he will not assume the typical father role in our wedding. All he wants is to be there to witness her wedding, which my fiancee is fine.

Seems like they really need to talk as a family to resolve this. Someone has to compromise.
Ok I understand. I'm asking here because this has been dragging on for the past few months. Decision needs to be made because the wedding day has been fixed.

Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

Honestly bro, you shouldn't be worried about this. Its not your perogative to be asking about who to give or why no one is asking. It's supposed to be your Mrs who's suppose to advice you. If no dowry has been asked then so be it. Focus on making your wedding a memorable one

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT MY FUTURE NEPHEW IN LAW MASQUERADING AS A /Ktard POSTING IN SECRET HERE!?

Ok, ok, jokes aside, this is so surreal, I needed to read and reread it just to make sure I’m not imagining things!

Good luck once again, best wishes for a successful and memorable wedding day - and most importantly, may the wedding be just the first of many steps in synchrony between you and yours, as both of you tread upon the path in the journey of life together.

Congratulations on your wedding.

Just give it to your WIFE and let her decide who to give or she can keep it for herself

split what ever you intend to pay as downry to half and give the grandparents and aunt.grandparent get as downry.  aunt as angpao.

——————“Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:”

“1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.” ———— ❌

“2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.”———— sad ☹️

“3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.” — RM 222

“4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her. “——— Grandparents RM28888 and aunt RM 2222

“Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.” ———— well it’s all about your emotional foundation
“Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?” ———— yes

“I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?”———— me, did in chinese way
We followed truly chinese custom, and its crazier than you could ever think.. don’t follow 100% unless you have 7 figures in your bank account, just take whatever you could afford. The groom pay the dowry mainly to say thanks for the girl’s parents+the girl’s right(in mainland usually the money goes to the brides parents while the others belongs to the bride), because after the wedding, your wife is your parent’s daughter. She obliged to take care of your parents when they’re getting old, and put your family first over her family.

Dowry =

1. 1 house/apartment ——(I got house)
2. 1 car / ox ——(of course i took the car 🤣)
3. gold (the weight must be even), can be formed as jewellery. ——(My in-laws gave 8,888 grams formed as custom made jewellery and they put on me before tea ceremony)
4. Wedding attire from top to the bottom include shoes ———-(i got 2 sets from my inlaw)
5. 2 sets of bed linen and pillows ————(got this also)
6. Glassware set/ tea set———-(got tea set)
7. Babies items———— ( I got baby’s jewellery also)
8. Money——— (USD 888888)

*incase the separation happen/unavoidable because of the bride committed adultery/infidelity, the bride shall return all the dowry and give up the children’s custody to the father.
If happens because of the groom side, all dowry is the wife’s right included alimony and kids custody.
If happens because of mother inlaw, bride keeps half dowry, child custody + alimony. ( I still can’t believe this written in our prenuptial agreement 🤣)

Bride’s father Gift (it’s all upto her family)=

-money ( My dad gave him 2 cars that hubby choose by himself, watches, suits, wines, and money that they never disclosed to me) (my mom gave me several sets of her stones jewelleries to be given to my mother inlaw)
Amazingly We survived 三書六禮/ san syu liu’ lai (you can skip this one)
6 wedding ceremony
And 4 crazy wedding receptions.
In Chinese tradition, if you pay full dowry, the wedding receptions is all up to your wish. The bride/ her family have no rights to demand a big receptions. If they wants to have big banquet, they should cover all expenses. Unless agreed by both parties. The only light tension in our receptions was because my father wants to pay for all of our receptions as I’m the only child, hubby insisted to pay for everything(my dad kinda kesian to my hubby). At the end, don’t know what happened, just settled, hubby paid for everything. Both of them happy🤣😂
My advice, go as close as possible but within your limit. It’s once in a lifetime thing. Don’t be stingy with the dowry, don’t be ashamed to put it in the prenup also Lol 😂. In case your budget is limited, it’s better to split 80%(20% money for her family and 60% get her gold or simply give her money) for the dowry, and 20% for the simple banquet/dinner. Good Luck!

during wedding preplanning there must one session of dowry discussion between you, your parents, her side (she and her grandparents/relatives/parents), whoever made the decision during then will get the dowry.

The problem is on her side, nobody feels they have the right to make decision.

1) grandparents (the ones who raised her) passed away
2) father never took care of her - she doesn't want him to be involved
3) only other elder person is her aunt, unwilling to take on the decision maker role

Will let my fiancee speak to aunt 1 more time. If her aunt is still unwilling to take up the role, I will let my fiancee make all decisions.

The problem is on her side, nobody feels they have the right to make decision.

1) grandparents (the ones who raised her) passed away
2) father never took care of her - she doesn't want him to be involved
3) only other elder person is her aunt, unwilling to take on the decision maker role

Will let my fiancee speak to aunt 1 more time. If her aunt is still unwilling to take up the role, I will let my fiancee make all decisions.

——————“Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:”

“1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.” ———— ❌

“2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.”———— sad ☹️

“3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.” — RM 222

“4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her. “——— Grandparents RM28888 and aunt RM 2222

“Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.” ———— well it’s all about your emotional foundation
“Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?” ———— yes

“I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?”———— me, did in chinese way
We followed truly chinese custom, and its crazier than you could ever think.. don’t follow 100% unless you have 7 figures in your bank account, just take whatever you could afford. The groom pay the dowry mainly to say thanks for the girl’s parents+the girl’s right(in mainland usually the money goes to the brides parents while the others belongs to the bride), because after the wedding, your wife is your parent’s daughter. She obliged to take care of your parents when they’re getting old, and put your family first over her family.

Dowry =

1. 1 house/apartment ——(I got house)
2. 1 car / ox ——(of course i took the car 🤣)
3. gold (the weight must be even), can be formed as jewellery. ——(My in-laws gave 8,888 grams formed as custom made jewellery and they put on me before tea ceremony)
4. Wedding attire from top to the bottom include shoes ———-(i got 2 sets from my inlaw)
5. 2 sets of bed linen and pillows ————(got this also)
6. Glassware set/ tea set———-(got tea set)
7. Babies items———— ( I got baby’s jewellery also)
8. Money——— (USD 888888)

*incase the separation happen/unavoidable because of the bride committed adultery/infidelity, the bride shall return all the dowry and give up the children’s custody to the father.
If happens because of the groom side, all dowry is the wife’s right included alimony and kids custody.
If happens because of mother inlaw, bride keeps half dowry, child custody + alimony. ( I still can’t believe this written in our prenuptial agreement 🤣)

Bride’s father Gift (it’s all upto her family)=

-money ( My dad gave him 2 cars that hubby choose by himself, watches, suits, wines, and money that they never disclosed to me) (my mom gave me several sets of her stones jewelleries to be given to my mother inlaw)
Amazingly We survived 三書六禮/ san syu liu’ lai (you can skip this one)
6 wedding ceremony
And 4 crazy wedding receptions.
In Chinese tradition, if you pay full dowry, the wedding receptions is all up to your wish. The bride/ her family have no rights to demand a big receptions. If they wants to have big banquet, they should cover all expenses. Unless agreed by both parties. The only light tension in our receptions was because my father wants to pay for all of our receptions as I’m the only child, hubby insisted to pay for everything(my dad kinda kesian to my hubby). At the end, don’t know what happened, just settled, hubby paid for everything. Both of them happy🤣😂
My advice, go as close as possible but within your limit. It’s once in a lifetime thing. Don’t be stingy with the dowry, don’t be ashamed to put it in the prenup also Lol 😂. In case your budget is limited, it’s better to split 80%(20% money for her family and 60% get her gold or simply give her money) for the dowry, and 20% for the simple banquet/dinner. Good Luck!

Tumpang thread

So overwhelming.

Will you do things differently if you can turn back to the clock?

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT MY FUTURE NEPHEW IN LAW MASQUERADING AS A /Ktard POSTING IN SECRET HERE!?

Ok, ok, jokes aside, this is so surreal, I needed to read and reread it just to make sure I’m not imagining things!

Good luck once again, best wishes for a successful and memorable wedding day - and most importantly, may the wedding be just the first of many steps in synchrony between you and yours, as both of you tread upon the path in the journey of life together.

Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.

There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:

1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.

2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.

3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.

4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.

Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.

Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?

I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?

please dont follow. make it as simple as possible. the basics should be covered, for example the tea ceremony. the rest can skip.
dowry is symbolic. not for showing off, not for selling daughter.
pledge fd rm3333 better than buying gold, or worse, platinum and diamond.

remember. your inlaw did not lose a daughter. they gained a son.

in the old days the daughter not allowed to go home after marriage, thus the money to 'take care' of the parents.

impressive comment to me
. your inlaw did not lose a daughter. they gained a son.

you wake me up, thanks a lot！

Angpow 9999 to her grandparents