Jan 15 2020, 09:27 PM
QUOTE(ComingBackSoon @ Jan 15 2020, 08:14 PM)
Hi all, I am getting married soon so have been planning the wedding for the past few months.
There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:
1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.
2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.
3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.
4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.
Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.
Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?
I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
May I take this opportunity and congratulate you and yours 🍾🎈 on the coming wedding. There is 1 thing which I need some guidance on who to give dowry (or whether you think its necessary or not). Some facts:
1) She came from broken family. Parents divorced since she was a child.
2) Never seen her mother. Now that she is an adult she has zero interest in meeting her mother.
3) Father took no part in raising her up. Father only came and reconcile with her after she reach adulthood. She still acknowledge him as a father, but doesn't really respect him.
4) She was mainly raised by grandparents. Sometimes, her aunt (i.e., sister of her father) helped chip in but it was mainly still her grandparents who raised her.
Now, AFAIK according to Chinese custom, dowry is paid to thank the person who raised the bride. However like I said earlier, her father did not raise her up at all. It was the grandparents who raised her up, but they have passed away. Next in line would be her aunt, which I have consulted once and she refused to accept any dowry, simply saying its not necessary.
Some elder people I have consulted including my parents say the aunt is just being polite to refuse the first round, and I should still pay a small amount as a token to respect tradition, but would it be good for me to insist? Is the aunt really just being polite?
I would like to follow custom/tradition as closely as possible. Anyone here who is familiar with Chinese custom/tradition can advise what I should be doing?
Your better half has a very, uncannily, eerily similar backstory as my niece, who’s also getting married soon. I hope you’re not my future nephew in law posting this on serious kopitiam... but if you are, then welcome in advance to the family, my niece couldn’t have picked a better man and thanks in advance for the Lego UCS Batmobile that you bought for me.
Ok, kidding aside, it’s admirable that you wish to observe the cultural rites and pay the appropriate respect to your spouse to be’s side - the significance of the dowry is the gratitude it’s suppose to symbolize, a token of your thanks to her side of the family, for having brought her up to be the fine young lady that she is today.
Matters as these are best decided upon by the elders - in your case your parents and your wife’s aunt. Perhaps it’s best your wife to be speaks to her aunt and say what’s in her heart; something akin to what my niece said to my wife that forever endeared her aunt to her: “ 阿姨，您从我小孩就疼爱我，教导我，给我感觉家庭的温暖。您是我的母亲。”
Translated: “Auntie, since I was a child, I’ve only ever known love, guidance and the warmth of a family from you. You are to me, a mother”
And then that would legitimize your aunt’s acceptance of the dowry.
Good luck, and congratulations once again.
PS. for the sake of clarity, my niece and future nephew in law are doing away with any semblance of a traditional Chinese wedding/ceremony - so there’s no dowry discussed, or any to be paid.
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