Ok bro. Sure thing. Thanks for being here.

So just now, I told her my dog passed away and managed to talk to her on the phone. I think she also soften her heart to talk to me and we managed to talk for an hour. We talk about our problems and struggle together in a very civil manner. Then towards the end, she said she felt angry as the longer she talked to me. Toxic thought slowly crept into her mind and she start asking about the other girl. She said she kept thinking we had something physical in the past. I said no we did not. And she said she doesn't wanna be toxic and say all these things. She said she doesn't know what identity she should play while listening to my problem. She doesn't wanna be responsible towards my problem since we already broke up. I ask her what toxic thought is on her mind and share it to me. Don't suppress everything to herself. She was struggling to tell me. Then I told her to get a nice shower first and we continue to talk again later. Hopefully will go well.

After that we managed to talk a while more. She seemed better after shower and she doesnt want to talk about the toxic thoughts. I told her she might feel better after letting it out. So she told me when she see other girls in yoga, she felt that I would prefer each one of them more than her. It was her self esteem being crushed by me. I told her nope it wasnt the case. I assure her telling her I am still here for her and reminded how I chased her for 3 years and our relationship was special cause it involved God in between. My other relationship werent like that. Then we talk about how I never thought of settling down but I let her know I thought of it every single day. However, I just quit my job and started my own business so I was feeling very insecure about my finances. Hopefully all these are enough to reassure her and reaffirm her my intention. Really pray she can put this mistake behind her after a period of time.

Sigh, some mistake you carry them into the grave with you.

Not jealousy. She has toxic thoughts but she is not being toxic. Toxic thoughts due to the loss in trust and self esteem. Like she will think badly about me, fooling her in this relationship, taking advantage of her all these things. Another toxic thoughts is like she said she think I had physical relationship with this girl before which I did not.

Yes I have shared with her how did I make this mistake and fully own up to my mistake.

I know I gotta learn the hard way I know I need to be a better person. I was so close to the finishing line and why do I fell and did what I do. It's very hard to get over what I did.

No I did not cheong with that other girl.

She never lust towards other guy as well. She's very disciplined in this. She doesnt even follow like celebs in social media or what.

I just fear she wont be here anymore in the future. I cannot control this anymore.

I wanna be better but at the same time I have so much fear for the future.

Yes. I'm a very lonely person. I feel very empty at night when I go home and there's no one at home. I'm not a social person so I dont have a lot of friends to hang out with. I mean I have friends but I just dont find them to hang out. I wanna be alone at times but I hate being lonely. If you get what I mean.

I cant let go of the mistake I did you know. I cant live normally putting this mistake behind me. I feel like this mistake has cost me my entire future and I can only blame myself for this. I hate myself and I hate my life. I might have slight depression I dont know but for now its hard to feel happy.

Find hobbies? I cant seem to be interested in anything. All I do is force myself to play a bit of games to take my mind off the whole issue. But after that? I return to the same point beating myself over and over again for what I have done. I cant tell my family or any friends I have. I really hope someone can just be my side and give me a big hug and tell me I'm not a failure.

After our conversation last night, she texted me just now.

: I want to tell you that you dont need to make so much effort trying to explain yourself anymore, you have explained enough. I do acknowledged your struggles, problems you face but I'm not in the position to help nor a good listener.

Truth is while you are still in a relationship you chose to flirt with another girl and disrespect your partner, action speaks louder than words.

I will not hold grudges on to it and we should all move on from this.

I replied:

I explain not to justify my actions but so you know where I am coming from. I take 100% responsibility of what I did and I know the damage I caused to both of us. That is why I keep telling you if you're gonna believe one thing, let it be its not you're insufficient. It's my issues my problem lead me to do whatever I have done. I fell to this temptation and ya this is something I knew wrong yet chose to do. I was powerless in the face of sin and I stumble. I am sorry my sin caused so much pain to you when you are not the one committing it. I was close to the finishing line yet I fell. But I hope you realise I wanted to complete this with you and go beyond. Please dont remember me for this mistake I have done.

I hope you believe what I said last night. I will still keep praying for you and for God's will on this relationship.



So really, tell me how can I forgive myself? I just wanna die sometimes.

Thanks you guys really made me had a good cry alone in office.

I really dont wanna think of other different girl now.

Yes she isnt coming back now but I just wanna hang in to that tiny hope. Please just let me hang in to that tiny hope that there's still a way if God allows in the future.

Yes.

But bro, I read your story again you still have hope right? 1 month is not even up and you dont know for certain she will leave you. I mean both of your are husband and wife so its not that easy for her to give up as well.

Why your mom so firm on wanting you guys to divorce?

What it mean of failure?

Thanks for your good intention. But for now really very difficult for me to make new friends or think of any adventure. Heck I cant even reconnect with old friends. I mean I could have open up to a lot of ppl but I choose not to. I hardly can open up to guys and I know she wont like it if I open to my girl friends. But I know my girl friends are the one who would be there to comfort me if I choose to. That's why I find my comfort here.

Dont be alone but really most of the time I'm alone. Dinner alone. Lunch alone. Tonight I'm going to Starbucks alone so I get surrounded by people.

This is what I keep telling myself.

Either I wanna fight for her to come back or move on for better life, I need to stand up and improve. But its just not easy at this stage when self-blame,self harm is so strong.

It feels like you know she is suffering because of me and I cant just be taking new adventures and recover by my own. Somehow later feel like I'm not even guilty or remorse for whatever I have done.

You get the deep dark hole I'm stuck at?

I wanna be out of it but I dont want while I'm out she is still inside it when I am at fault. Does it make sense to you?

How did you overcome yours?

1 year plus....did you go through similarly what I went through?

Did she respond to you? How long left until 1 month is up?

I will pray for you bro. Hang in there. You are in a better position than me because not all is lost in your case.

Do you mind sharing what's the cause of that 1 month break?

If I tell my mom, I'm sure she will throw all the blame to me. And accuse me for not treating her well and all. And say I deserve all this.

Really envy those ppl who's family stand beside them thick and thin.

Thanks.

You have been through a lot and yet here you are, giving me advice. One year later, I will be better than where I am now.
Hard for me to find my friends now for comfort. I cant open up yet.

So for now, you guys here gonna be my comfort.

If you are me, how would you think to be positive when things like that happened? When you're the one committing the mistake?

What shitty stuff did you do?

I reached Starbucks but I did not go down. I was a mess as I cried hard in the car while the day was going dark. Day gets dark earlier here. It wasnt a good day today. I stayed in the car for almost 3 hours listening to Youtube on self forgiveness but I fell asleep in between. Decided to drive back home cause I feel like I need a hot shower.