Trying hard to cope with my daily activities. Trying to play game in office but getting sick of it.

Suddenly feels like suffocating in office so may leave early to hang out in the coffeeshop so I am surrounded by people. In my office only 2 person, 1 sit outside and I sit inside. So basically alone.

Tonight my church leader ask my for dinner. He wants to check up on me after hearing what happened. I dont have any appetite but I will go cause I dont wanna go home.

I'm also reading this book now: Beyond Boundaries
Thinking of wanting to pass this book to her after I finish reading.

I'm actually feeling very touched you actually follow up on me. Thank you.

I'm not ready to tell my friends what happened yet. Yeah, see what happens after sharing with church leader. I will try to update here.

Thank you. All this breaking up effects are as real as it gets.

How bout you? Did you have a good day?

This post has been edited by prelude23: Nov 8 2019, 03:17 PM

I told myself God wants me to grow from my weakness, to break free of my struggles and temptation. Pain is the best teacher. But in the process I've hurt her so much. I can't get over how much I've hurt her.

Thank you. You still have faith that I can strengthen this relationship. Thanks for being optimistic.

Meeting up with my church leader was good. Really comforting when I'm facing this alone and someone can be there and talk to me. Told him I felt like a big failure and showed him the story I wrote here. Hope tonight I won't have major anxiety attack.

Tonight manage to get some sleep. Guess I was really tired. But here I am again. Anxiety woke me up.

I really wanna stand back up again.

Saw her insta story she flew over to KL and stay with her best friend. Guess she's finding comfort too.

Manage to take short sleep in between. I remember 10-1 and 2-5. Now woke up feeling very anxious, worry and heart beating very fast. Had a good cry while it's raining outside. Consequences of sin....

Get it from government hospital? What do I tell them?

I cant just walk in to GH myself?

I cant just ditch someone I love right.

Yeah I know gotta take time to bring myself up as well. Thank you. I'm really trying my best.

Inside GH dont have GP kah? Sorry never went through this process before.

Oh really? I thought the poliklinik at my town is away from the GH. Maybe there's another poliklinik inside which I never realise.

Thank you so much!

She did not hurt me badly. I hurt myself badly.

What do you mean see the other side that I have not tapped into?

Casual hangout for affection?
You enjoy doing that? Going for casual flings?

I know if I hang in there, maybe after few weeks maybe one month it will go away. But its really suffering to be anxious for nothing. Like this moment typing to you, I can feel my heart beating so fast like something is gonna happen but I dont know what. And really hard to breath at times.

Yeahh this is true. Coping with guilt, loss and shame as well.
Also, the feeling not be able to communicate with her is also killing me. But I know I cannot be so self centered and keep thinking of myself only. I have to respect her space to heal herself first.

Thank you bro. Since a lot of ppl mention about letter, I will give it a shot. Just tricky to find the right time to pass it to her.

Today worked the whole day even it's public holiday. Night time I volunteered at my church kindergarten graduation and concert. Seeing those cute little kids lifted my mood up. Since I can't figure out my own stuff right now, might as well bless others. Hopefully can sleep better tonight.

I did get long sleep last night. Was reading on my phone and accidentally fell asleep. That was how tired I am.

Actually last night I texted her. I saw her insta story she went to KL so I texted her at night 'Take care yourself in KL' and she replied at 11pm when I already fell asleep. This morning she called me when I was in church but then texted me saying press wrongly and asked me if I can put her parcel into her letter box. She sent it to my address before. I just replied Ok. Please dont stop praying. I will be rooting for you.

Its really painful to not be able to talk like how we used to.

Thank you bro. Appreciate your kind words.

Yeah lets hang in there. I dont know what you are facing but I'm trying to desperately hang in here. Not easy. Definitely not easy. But people here make it better. I'm hanging on to a thread of hope things will be better.

Yeah I had enough sleep but still I did wake up a couple of times at night feeling anxious. But manageable and not as bad as previous nights.

Yeah I told myself too at least she still reply me even though short. Though she did not reply my last message but its okay. I will keep trying. It's really like hope for the best prepare for the worst. I'm not giving up on this relationship yet. I know it will take quite sometimes but I need to persevere. Really thanks bro.

Next time I go KL lets have a meal together.