Trying to cope with everything. Had okay moments had break downs too.
Yeah I still drink a lot but I lost all appetite so I had 1 meal per day.

Okay bro. Whenever you are ready.

Either breakfast or lunch. But I have a lot of ice black coffee throughout the whole day.
Everyone said I look like I'm sick but I have to lie saying my ACL hurts after surgery cannot sleep well. Haih

Why bangga like that?

Yeah. Thanks bro.
Appreciate your advise. Slowly but surely.

Gosh it's so hard at night when all memories, worry and past come flowing through your mind.

Last night I slept okay. Got a few hours of sleep but its enough. Just open some worship instrumental song to calm me down.

But today in office I just had a breakdown. Dont know why but today sucks. Feeling guilty and anxious badly. Maybe I'm in office alone.

I think I still cannot fully control my mind yet. Like someone pointed earlier, mind is everything.
A lot of times I still think of the happy times we had with each other. Though we fight, I hardly remember the content we fight about. So a lot in my memories are good times. Our inside jokes and conversation and all. And to think that now these are all gone because I am the one who ruin it. Yeah I know this is getting old but I am still stuck with the self blame hole. It's dark and cold there when I am alone.

Sometimes I think, most of the time before this relationship I can easily cope with being alone. I work alone, I eat alone, I go home alone. But now it just felt scary to be alone most of the time. Like emptiness inside. Maybe last time no one feel this emptiness so I dont feel it. But now since she's there and now she's gone, the emptiness is killing me. I can really feel the pressure at my chest area. Like its tight and sometimes hard to breath. But really, who to blame but only myself.

I'm not trying to reach them. Just that night when it's almost unbearable. Cause sometimes at 3am you really don't know who to talk to.

Really really admire you and wish I can get the same result as you.

How nice if there's a formula to it and just pass it to me. I dont even know texting her now will be good or bad.

Care to explain how you get that enlightenment? Like does it just come to you? A switch just flicked inside your mind or what?

Thanks for the encouragement.

Seriously at night when no one talk to you and your thinking run wild, its very easy to think of 14th floor. Like the easy way out.
But yeah, become a better guy and get well first. I know I have to.

Hey sorry I might have missed out. What was your reply again?

Yeap I actually manage to fell asleep accidentally while reading on bed cause too tired.
But yeah woke up with my heart beating very fast and feeling very worried for nothing. Really hate that feeling.

I am trying trust me. But its just everywhere every corner I go reminds me the relationship I had. It was a good one.

How long did it take you to get out from the sadness and the pain? Like everyday I have moments where I break down and all. I wanna call her to hear her voice but I can't. Everything is so unbearable. Watching the sky turn dark is so scary

2-3 months is actually not too long.

Bro, you are my inspiration really. Hope I can achieve the same thing as you.
Regardless of what others say, I wanna fight for her cause I wanna show her I love her this much. People can tell me learn the lesson and move on. Treat the next girl better but I know this is the girl I want.

Thanks bro. If you can think of any tips or encouragement please post here and share with me.

Thanks for asking bro.

I still breakdown every now and then but I know I need to get back on my feet soon.

Just to update what happened today.

Today I woke up feeling very heavy hearted. It's Friday and yet I have nothing planned for tonight. I don't wanna go back home so early because it intensify the feeling of emptiness and I dont want my mom to ask me anything. After finishing work at 5, I went to my friend's cafe to talk but they close at 6. I had nowhere do to go I drove aimlessly for 1.5 hour before deciding to go Starbucks again. Actually quite reluctant to go Starbucks on a Friday night cause scare of meeting familiar faces.

I reached and I stayed in the car for half hour just to pass time. Then I saw her car parked behind me. She came down and I went down and called her. She was alone and I asked if we can have a chat together. She was willing to sit together.

We had a talk for 3 hours until 1130. We had a nice conversation together. At first we talk about our relationship. The problems we faced in the relationship and our differences. We are very very different and it shows in the relationship. I can feel that she is still angry and upset about the whole incident. Her anger and toxic thoughts reflects in what she said. We also talked about how we cope with this period and what are we doing too. She shared what her niece and nephew are up to.

We talked about the future. I told her we might not know why is this happening to us but lets take a step back and view this from God's perspective. God wants us to learn from this and build ourselves back to Him. Whatever lesson we learn from our relationship, we should apply to the next one be it with other partner or back together. Don't let this relationship go to waste. I also told her when I look back our relationship, I can remember more happy moments than bad ones. She commented she felt that way too but then she dont understand why many happy moments yet I still did such mistake. I explained to how lust and love works for guys. I struggle in lust and this is purely just to satisfy my needs although its wrong. It's like how many guys rely and got addicted to porn. Of course, she did not forgive me.

I told her one day I believe she will look at me and think that I have improved to be a better person and partner. I told her I believe one day we will get back together again. One day all this will make sense. We never know what would happen but I believe one day, we will be together again. Dont ask me where I get such optimism I just have to let it out. Good thing she never say dont wait for her bla bla bla those kind of sentence. She just say yeah we never know what will happen in the future. Then I ask why did you unfollow me from instagram. She smiled and asked me how I know. She was afraid I might upload my new relationship up and I smiled at her. I said one day maybe next year hope there's a Thai movie (we got together after watching a Thai movie and it has been an inside joke). She said yeah just ke xi (pity). That moment, as hard as I tried, I teared.

Anyway, manage to calm down before everyone look at me and we made some small chats before going home. Just feel glad and thankful after everything we can still sit together and talk like that. I really need to toughen up and improve myself for this girl.

Thanks bro. You have been a good virtual friend and listener ever since this happened to me.
Please do visit this thread time to time and chit chat.