My local council says I should recycle as much as possible.


So I joined /k.

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Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos!

Elections eh......

I was in the walking with my dog and I said to this guy,

"Which way are you going to vote?"

"The old party," he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman. "Which way are you going vote? " I asked.

"The old party, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked.
"Reformation!" he said. With that my dog bit him.

Apparently, my dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

If you're going to argue publicly on a cellphone, be fair and turn the speakerphone on so everyone can hear both sides.

We call my alcoholic uncle the exorcist. Everytime he visits he rids the house of spirits.

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

Thinking that it would help his depression after his blunders in Kiev, Loris Karius visited an orphanage just to see kids who have no parents and are worse off than him.

He was shown an eight month old baby boy
who's parents had died in a car accident.

"Oh dear, that's tragic, may I hold him"? asked Karius

The nurse replied " No, you can fuck right off, this is a tiled floor"

A group of England supporters in Russia were in a bar one evening and were approached by a prostitute.

She said "Hello boys, I like the England players so much that I have tattoos of them on my thighs and if you can tell me who they are I will give you a free shag"

So she lifts her skirt and drops her knickers to reveal Harry Kane on her left thigh and Jack Buckland on the other, she lays back and said "Well boys who are they"?

One of the pissed supporters piped up "I don't know who those two are on your thighs, but that fucker in the middle with the black curly hair and thick lips looks like Danny Rose"

I was walking back from the pub last night when a police pulled up in his patrol car and asked where I was going.

I said "Well, I'm actually on my way to attend a lecture on the problems of staying out late in the pub, consuming too much alcohol and the dangers it poses to your general health."

The cop said "Who is giving this lecture?"

I replied "My fucking missus"

South Korea coach Shin Tae-yong has admitted he made players wear the wrong shirt number in a recent friendly, to confuse foreigners who "have trouble distinguishing Asians".

Sweden's manager Janne Andersson said: "I don't know why Jackie Chan is getting involved."

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burned'....


..fucking firemen.

I went into a women's changing room today and forced everyone to act as if they wanted me there

Just like a female football pundit.

"He used me for sex"

No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

You lot clearly know nothing about football tactics.

The England's plan now will be to lose against Columbia so the team will be fully rested in time for 2022...

The young Thai footballers have been told they will need to learn to dive in order to escape from the caves.

Neymar saintly said he will be on his way to teach them as soon as Brazil get knocked out of the World Cup.

Went to a friend's funeral last week who died of drowning
Some of the guests got a bit hostile with me because I turned up with a wreath in the shape of a rubber life ring.

I said "It's what he would have wanted"

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

I was sat at the dining table with my grandparents when my grandma asked me.

"Have you found yourself a nice girlfriend yet? Such a waste, a nice handsome, young man like you."

"Well gran," I said "I'm actually seeing a girl I met on the internet."

"Oh that sounds like fun! Was that on one of those dating sites?"

"Erm, yeah something like that." I mumbled.

"What's the lucky lady's name then?" she asked.

"AnalSlut69!" I said.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.