A young man was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

I went to my doctor complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked me if I could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", I said. "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

On a menu, I saw "Golden Soup" listed.

I asked the waitress why it's called golden soup?

She said because there are 24 carrots in it.

"What do you want for birthday?" My girlfriend asked.

"Anal Sex."

"Haha, nice try, tell me something I can buy for you."

"Ok then, Anal sex with a prostitute."

Two guys were chatting in the hospital and the first one says.
"I'm in for an endoscopy, they are going to see what's going on down my throat, "what you in for?".

The second guy says "oh camera up the ass".
The other guy says "colonoscopy its called".

The other guy replies "Nope, camera up the ass, the wife caught me taking pictures of the neighbor's tits."

My boss said to me, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes," I replied, "it's Friday."

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
It’s simple.
I say "Have you put weight on ?"

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

I do my best writing on the toilet.

That’s why my jokes are shit.

That awkward moment at a feminists picnic when they realize that no one made any sandwiches!

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built-in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.

The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure.

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

I've just broken the record for holding your breath underwater
- 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a girl in the swimming pool shouted: "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

I went to golf lessons with a professional instructor.

I hit a few balls and missed the green on every shot.

He said “I can see your problem you need to cut six inches off all your clubs”.

“Will that improve my game?” I asked.

“No but they’ll fit in the bin easier” He replied.

Sources tell me that Jose Mourinho still hasn’t managed to leave the Man Utd training ground due to a bus being parked over the exit...

I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant.

People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!

I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified.

This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out.

As we plummeted he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate.

If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate.


What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges?

My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.

So I invited seven midgets to join in.