Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: ‘Anthony Martial can emulate Cristiano Ronaldo.’
Oh Ole.
He’s black, but that doesn’t make him a rapist.

I just ordered my colleague a ‘hope you get better soon’ card.

She’s not ill.

Just rubbish at her job.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country.

It's what's INSIDE that counts.

I love you refrigerator

I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub.

My friend asked me how it went.
"Fucking brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex."

He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

My daughter was asking her mother how to make her breasts larger,

"Don't worry about it, mine are small, you don't need large breasts to attract a man, " she said.

"Yes I know that mum, " she answered, "but look who you ends up with."

Tell the Punchline first.


How do you ruin a joke?

ME: Whats the Wifi password?

BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: I'll have a coke.
BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?

ME: Sure...how much is that?
BARTENDER: $5.

ME: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces and all lowercase.

The wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most?... I said "Open your legs and I will show you"...

...So I nutmegged her.

-------------------------------------------------

My friend thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

-------------------------------------------

It's ridiculous to say that dressing like a slut will get you raped.

I tried it last night and I just got the shit kicked out of me.


---------------------------------------------


Mother and young girl sat in a park. The mother seems unhappy and distant (her marriage is slowly failing) the girl starts asking questions.
“Mummy do you love daddy ?” No answer
“Mummy does daddy love you ?” Again no answer.
“Mummy, daddy says you are an alcoholic, what is an alcoholic ?”
At this the mother decides to answer the questions.
“Darling, you see those two ducks over there, an alcoholic would see four”
“But Mummy, there is only one duck there !”

Fragrant pens.
Pink papers.
Two years.

Only the dustbin knows how much she loves him.

I now know that heaven is standing in front of a church, with the white dressed woman you love looking gorgeous on the wedding altar.

Although, it would be better if I weren’t the best man.

Every day starts with coffee for me, and with the morning paper for him; then, it ends with me on the left side of the bed, him on the right, and deafening silence in between.

tengok date of posting


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What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 4 2019, 08:09 PM

I was going through a messy divorce and getting screwed by my wife's lawyer when I found an old lamp.

I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Thank you for freeing me," he said. "In return I grant you 3 wishes"

"Oh! this is great,"I said. "For my first one I wish I had an inexaustable supply of cash.
""Puff! A wallet full of $50 notes appeared.
"No matter how much you take out, it will always be full," said the genie.

"Oh, fantastic!," I said.
"O.k, I wish I had a 19 year old nymphomaniac for a mistress!"
Puff! A scantily clad nubile girl appeared and started purring over me.

"This is superb!" I cried.

"I can't believe it! I wish my bitch of a wife was here to see this... No!... wait!"

Be wary of your girlfriend wanting a dominatrix outfit,

they are usually white and flowing with a veil.

I've suffered from horrible debilitating migraines for most of my adult life, but amazingly I became completely cured of them a couple months ago.

The wife left me.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 24 2019, 10:23 AM

I was just about to get on top of this prostitute when I said to her,
"You'll have to excuse me, I haven't done this for a long time."
"Oh," she said, widowed?"

"Just the opposite," I replied, "married. "

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

I walked into 7-11 and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly sir," said the pretty sales assistant.

"What size? We have small, medium, large, XL and XXL."

"Well, what's the price difference?" I asked.

"They are all the same price apart from the XXL which are 5 times the price of the others," she said.

"5 times the price? How the fuck can you justify that?" I asked.

"Well, most men ask for the XXL."

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.