No Swimming


A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a bl0w job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"

The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

A man standing in line at a counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming.

He gave her that “Who are you?” look because he couldn’t remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said. “I’m sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my kids” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!” Then he got a little panicky.

He ran out the store, caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?” “No,” she said with a horrified look on her face.

“I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

hair... hare...

What's the difference between sex and anal sex?

Sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

eerr... what happened?

-----------------------------------------

Caught in the Web


I met a 14-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age?

Black Hand Coming


In a western saloon, the town idiot enters and screams, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” A commotion starts and Joe, a lone traveller, looks on in amazement.

The bartender is about to rush off, but Joe stops him with a cocky attitude. “You! What the hell is going on?” “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!

“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink.

Nothing happens for ten minutes. All of a sudden, someone kicks the doors off their hinges. A huge man is blocking out the sunlight. He wears black leather gloves with mettle mesh wrapped round them, his arms are thicker than a woman’s waist and his face is the scariest thing Joe’s ever seen in his life.

“Blow my pecker!” screams the man as he flops out his foot-long flaccid man-piece. Terrified, Joe obeys. After a minute, the man commands, “Faster!” Joe obeys. “Faster, you sissy!” he thunders.

Miffed, Joe plucks up the courage to speak. “What’s with all this? Why so fast?” he snaps. “Did you not hear?” replies the giant nervously, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!

Airport Lounge


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays waiting in customs.

First Time


Dave pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember it clearly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed. “Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love?”

“Baaaaa…”

Ugly Lady and the parrot


A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. After looking at the woman, the parrot says, "Hey, lady, you are really ugly."

Furious, the woman storms past the store. On the way home, she sees the same parrot. "Hey, lady, you are really ugly," the bird chirps again.

Now the woman is incredibly ticked. On her way to work the next day, she again sees the parrot, who yet again says, "Hey, lady, you are really ugly."

This makes the woman so angry that she bursts into the store and demands that they remove the bird or face a massive lawsuit. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises to make sure the parrot doesn't say it again. That evening, when the lady walks past the store, the parrot calls to her, "Hey, lady . . ."

The woman pauses and says, "Yes?"

And the bird replies, "You know."

Affair for marriage


“All of the thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill tells his friend Doug.

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggests.

“But what if my wife finds out?” Bill asks.

“Heck, this is a new age we live in,” Doug says. “Go ahead and just tell her about it.”

Bill goes home to his wife and says, “Dear, I think an affair will help bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” his wife says. “I’ve already tried that. It didn’t work.”

Guy betting at bar


A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slaps a 10 spot on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet. He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge.

“Betcha I can bite my own ear,” the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.

“OK,” he says, “I’ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won’t feel a thing.”

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts. The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

“I can feel you,” she giggles.

“Oh well,” he says, “You win some, you lose some.”

you got glass eye and false teeth meh?

Spanks for the memory


My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife pipes up with, “Men just cannot do two things at once…”

At this I interrupted and said, “actually I can.” “Give me an example,” she said. “Well, while I was banging you last night I was thinking about your friend.”

In need of light


A man and woman are going at it in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man says, “Damn. I wish I had a flashlight.”

“Me too,” the woman says, “you’ve been eating grass for 10 minutes.”

Eat Your Word


A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy.
“A quickie, please”
“Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?”
“Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.”
Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff.
“Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Trouble in the Relationship


My girlfriend pulled up a chair recently and said to me, “I think it’s about time we discussed our future.”

I said, “Yeah, it’s gonna be mental – we’ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!”

I’m now single.

Shop policy


A man wanders into a shop and asks the lady behind the counter for some dog food.

“Do you have a dog?” she questions. “Yes,” replies the man.

“Well where is he?” she requests. “He’s at home.”

“Well I’m sorry,” says the saleswoman, “I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see your dog. It’s store policy.”

Disgruntled, the man leaves, then returns the next day, this time for cat food. “Do you have a cat?” she asks. The man nods his head.

“Well where is he?” the lady says. “He’s at home,” replies the man. “Well I’m sorry,” comes the response, “ but I can’t sell you this cat food unless I see your cat.”

So the man saunters off once again, only to return once again this time bringing a sack.

“What’s in the sack?” Asks the lady. “Is it the cat?” “Put your hand inside and see for yourself,” suggests the man.

“Hmmm, it’s warm and moist. What is it?”

“I’d like to buy some toilet roll, pleas…”

Tell the Difference


Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.