Second Honeymoon


Santa and Jeeto were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 10th wedding anniversary.

Jeeto said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"As you wish," said Santa.

"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jeeto.

"Ok," said Santa.

"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jeeto.

"That's right," said Santa, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Wife Pretends to Hang Herself for April Fools Day


Mr Lin, a Chinese businessman is divorcing his wife after her latest of many pranks went a little too far. When Lin returned home he found a dark object swinging from the roof. When he turned on the lights he found it was his wife.

Lin summoned police and staff from the property office assisted him in getting her 'corpse' down. "Suddenly, she sat up, started to laugh hysterically, and said this was my April Fool's Day present," said Lin.

"I can't stand the jokes and games anymore. She hides the dishes in the washing machine, or changes the lock on the door, so that I can only enter by giving the correct answer to some stupid questions, and so on," he continued.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer

An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, "I'm a dove and I like love."

The eagle thought, "F*ck that," and tossed the dove out of the nest.

Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, "I'm an owl and I like to howl."

The eagle thought, "F*ck that," and tossed the owl out of the nest.

Then the eagle spotted a duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest.

Once back at the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake and I think you've made a mistake!"

look at the rhyme

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem.

He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.

Night after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the chosen.

"Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous technique?"

"What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her and she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court. The young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under one that read, "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read, "William's Stick Did the Trick". Then, I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an ad which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let my wife be having an affair."

Another Ewww Joke


A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.

He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his pen1s into the first hole. And, surprisingly, it feels good . . . it feels very good . . . And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.

So he puts his d1ck in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his d1ck out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood.

He's crying because of the pain.

An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter.

He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn pen1s.

And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says, "You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”

Collar


A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.
One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

Man of Few Words


Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept ticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night

hope this help.... unless /i have spoilts/slowed the brain cell

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,..... "I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of pen1ses. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* pen1s."

Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."

She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pus$ies... shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pu$sy."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

---

Added on April 18, 2009, 9:48 amClowning Around


A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out -- caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 18 2009, 09:48 AM

A guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar.

"What's your name?" he asks.

"Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen', because I love cars and men."

"I see," he says.

"What's your name?" she asks him.

He thought for a second. "Beerf*ck."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 20 2009, 03:53 PM

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...