My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her.

I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well, not so much to find out who the other woman was. But more to see if I could find out what she sees in you."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jul 8 2009, 05:15 PM

Marital Sex!


While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland.

Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you?

" "Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"

"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."

Expensive Date


I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,
"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end upspending hundreds of dollars?"
"Because I'm a prostitute."

One day there was a boy and a girl in college. They were walking down the street. They had known each other since 2nd grade. While they were walking, the girl asked the boy:

Do you like me?

The boy said :

No.

So they kept on walking. 5 minutes later, she asked again.

Do you like me?

The boy said no again.

Just then an emo guy jumps out of no where and stabs the boy and runs away.

The boy said to the girl:

I don't like you.....I love you...I dont think you are pretty...I think..you are beautiful...

Then he dies.

~~The End~~

Taken for a ride!!


In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I will show you my thighs,"
and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit hot and excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

What men wants

Men want 3 qualities in wives:
Economist in kitchen
Artist in home
Devil in bed.

But they get:
Artist in kitchen
Devil in home
Economist in Bed.

Dance Ballerina!!


This large, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless, stained sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a quite unshaven armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar.

"What damn gentleman around here will buy this young lady a drink?" she demands in a deep, gravelly voice. The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

The men next to her quickly move away -- mainly because of her body odor. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunken man slams his hand on the bar and says: "Bartender! Put it on my tab. I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender obliges and pours the drink. After she chugalugs the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hirsute armpit. "What &%$#@ gentleman around here will buy a #@$%& young lady a drink?" she again asks.

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says: "Bartender! I`d like to buy that ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk.

"It`s your business," says the bartender, "if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

"Sir!" replies the drunk, "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Drunk Tough Guy


At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face.

Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Chicken in the Cinema


An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema."

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!"

Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

Hosey Ride


One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Reliable Boss


Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Good Morning!!


The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied, "Breakfast."

Blonde hail stones!


Blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car got dented up really bad.

The next day, she took her car into a repair shop to have the dents examined. The repairman, noticing that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, decided to have some fun.

He told her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she got home, as this would cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could over and over.

Just then, her best friend, who also is blonde, showed up.
Her friend saw her blowing into the tailpipe and was quite startled by the action.

She blurted out flippantly, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe real hard so that the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Uh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Heat off


A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heater off.

Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me... My wife ran off with her boss, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, Twins Ah Kiu wanted to sing to me, And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

Italian in Malta


(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.

Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma b****. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma b****.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma b****.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma b****.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma b****, I gonna back to Italy.

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.

What are the two greatest lies? "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Get some of this!


Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifertakes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her headstuck.

The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to theother:"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts f*cking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes.

When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

UFO

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.

The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship.

She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?''

The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby.

The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.

Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.

After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.

The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled,

"TOUCHDOWN!!"