Pour me another


A woman and a man were involved in a car accident--it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man--that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"

"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police."

Going Bra-less


A middle-aged guy says to his wife, "You should go bra-less."

She says, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?"

He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."

Filthy Parrot


A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot and the assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "F*ck me, a f*cking new brothel and a f*cking new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new f*cking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f*ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new f*cking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

damnit!

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Slap Happy


A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.

Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.

The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

Again?!
------------------------------------------------

Watercold!


This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his
trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with
ten beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest pen1s the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his pen1s get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my pen1s. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Last minute Valentine's Day advice


Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.

Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.

Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.

Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.

Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.

Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.

Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!

Don’t club baby fur seals.


Normal Man mistake example:
But.... but.... thinking of the credit crunch lately..... we HAVE TO SHOW PRUDENCE!
go figure!

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 14 2009, 11:19 AM

Landing Gear Down


The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chair.

All night long the joke moderator, a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

Do you take this?


An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined at court.

"Have you ever been married?" the lawyer thundered at him.

"Yes, sir," replied the witness, his voice barely audible. "Once." "Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

"Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

The witness said meekly, "My sister did."

The original Jealousy


Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

Chicken Farmer


A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. "

Diamonds are forever!


A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But my marriage won't last that long!"

Please don't remind i'm older....... T_T

Who's the boss


A boss was complaining in his staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A little Rubbing


Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.......

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......"Take me.... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...And that's when I shot the son of a b1tch!

Damnit~!


During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've
ever seen!"

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ar$e!"


He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 28 2009, 08:42 AM

what ok or not?

------------------------------------

Told you so


This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his as$. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye.

She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you f*cking *******."

Low on Petrol


A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of gas hoping to make out.

She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.

He said he had to pee first. While he was doing his business, the girl decided to light a match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.

There was a big explosion, and she called out to him, "Honey, help me find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!"

He replied, "Hell with that. Help me find my right hand, it's got my d1ck in it!"

The Lucky side of Flowers


"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Those wanting to be married


Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

---

Added on March 19, 2009, 3:14 pmoh.. btw... since I'm most likely would not post any repost new ones in coming few days.... i'll post one now....

21st March... my wedding <--------- Relationship joke!

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 19 2009, 03:14 PM

i'm dhoommmmmmmeeedDDDddDDDddd

thanks