tears coming out of me eyes...

Peanuts in Ears


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

^
kantoi

need moar ts

Marriage Lessons


On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

I really like this.This joke made my day.Anti climax.

Spring of 1957


One evening during the Spring of 1957 Bobby, a hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. He goes to the front door and the girl's father answers, inviting him in.

"Carrie's not quite ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"Cool," Bobby replies.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what their plans are. Bobby politely says that they'll probably go to a movie or the soda shop.

"Why don't the two of you go out and screw?" Carrie's father says. "I hear all the kids are doing it."

Of course, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carrie's dad, "our Carrie really likes to screw. If we'd let her, she'd screw all night long."

Hearing this makes Bobby's eyes light up and his plan for the evening is starting to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie enters the room in her poodle skirt and tells Bobby that she's ready to go. A little breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts her out the door.

Twenty minutes later, Carrie runs back into the house, slams the door and screams at her father, ""DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 6 2007, 11:55 AM

Dumping Message Decoded!


Breaking up is certainly not something one should look forward to, but it does give the dumper the chance to flex his or her creative muscle in order formulate an airtight and plausible case that will not cause the dumpee to exercise his or her cry/whine excessively. In other words, the dumper doesn't want to make the dumpee cry because that shit is awkward.

This is the type of shit you might say:

The confusion

One of the most common ways of avoiding a sobbing/snot-filled scene of the recently broken-hearted is by confusion. In this case, confusion is an antonym of "the truth'. The use of confusion tactics allow the dumper to get away without necessarily making the dumpee feel like caterpillar poo. Let's take a look at a few confusion tactics (from a male's point of view).

"I think that we should see other people."
Translation: I think that I should see other people while you continue to fester in a post-breakup funk and are decidedly NOT seeing other people. I want you on my back burner, so that if it turns out that I am not quite as cool as I thought I was, you will be there to re-inflate my ego and re-slob my knob (how inappropriate).

"I am not ready for a relationship."
Translation: I am not ready for a relationship"with you. If you were more hot, less overweight, didn't have that mustache, or owned a hottub, jetski, or a more expansive collection of digital video discs, I might consider it.

"It's not you, it's me."
Translation: It is definitely you. For more information, see Seinfeld episode number 70 of season 5; The Lip Reader.

"I don't have time for a relationship right now."
Translation: I don't have time for all that relationshippy bullshit that I hate doing. Here is a list of things I don't have time for: dates, dinners, cuddling, speaking on the telephone, anything to do with your parents, walking/talking to/hearing about your f***ing dog. Here is a list of things I do have time for: blowjobs, movies, videogames, intercourse, drinking, you bringing me Burger King at 2 AM.

"I think that we should just be friends."
Translation: you've packed a few lb's onto your backside and I don't think your frame handles the extra weight that well. I find you physically revolting and while I don't really want to be your friend either (I try not to be friends with fatties), I figure it is better for my rep than dating you.

"You deserve much better than someone like me."
Translation: I have done something so heinous that I deserve a one-way ticket on Southwest Airlines straight to hell. The flight will be crowded and bumpy and they will serve me warm, ice-less, Pepsi-cola and I won't be able to recline my seat. When I get to my destination, it will be all white and there will be some bigass pearly gates. I will walk on fluffy white clouds and Jesus will be there. But just as I get to the front of the line, he will say "psych!' and pull a lever, opening a trapdoor beneath me that will plummet me to the depths of eternal damnation.

So you should go ahead and move on to someone else.

"I need to take some time to find myself."
Translation: Remember that time when I specifically told you that I was going to take an evening to play cards with my friends? And then you showed up anyway, makeup-less and in sweat pants to hover over my shoulder like a homely pterodactyl? And then you kept saying, "this game looks stupid"? Remember that? Do you? Well that was f***ing infuriating. So now you have two-folded my reasons for dumping you. Not only are you a chronic clinger, but if I don't get rid of you my friends won't let me play cards anymore.

"I love you, I am just not in love with you."
Translation: I don't know what love is, but this sure as cock isn't it.

"I think we should take a break."
Translation: I have a female prospect that is driving hard to the hoop and I need to take some time off so that I can bang her without fear of my conscious barring the way to her ladyparts.


Blatant Lies

When confusion doesn't seem to capture the essence of a breakup, a straight-up, flat-out lie might be more in order. The possibilities for lies are infinite, and the dumper has free reign to make up the most asinine shit that he things he can get away with, but here might be an example:

"I have aids." (I do not see any circumstance where this might not work)

"I am a homosexual."
Translation: I wish I were gay so that I wouldn't have to deal with the female genetic predisposition to crazy.

"I am an aids-ridden homosexual."
All that homo love caused me to get one of those pesky std's, and it won't wash off.

"I have bad news. The federal government just outlawed premarital relationships. So it looks like we are going to have to stop seeing each other."
Translation: You are really really stupidâ�"like scientologist-stupid. And I am going to insult this low intelligence with a lie that is a governmental impossibility.


The Truth

While usually not your best bet, sometimes the truth can be a more helpful tool in terminating a relationship. However, it must be cautioned that this tool, we will call it the "truth backhoe', will do a lot more damage than your standard "lie shovel'. Here are some of the more common non-lie breakup lines:

"I don't love you."
Ouch.

"I am moving to Hawaii."
Translation: I am moving to Hawaii. You are that terrible.

"I don't find you attractive."
Translation: I don't find you attractive which means that you are not attractive, which means that you are ugly. You are ugly.

"I have met someone else"
and she is willing to do that thing that you wouldn't do.

"I cannot f***ing stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field."
Translation: I cannot f***ing stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field.

Supermarket


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!

Everything I Need


A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

0 vote

Mickey and Minnie


Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse are in a heated courtroom lawsuit. The judge takes his seat and calls Mickey up and says, "From what I hear, people say your suing Minnie because she is silly????"

"No" replies Mickey, "I'm suing her because she is f***ing goofy"

There Goes Dinner


A newly married man arrived home from work to find his young wife in tears.

"Darling, what's wrong?" asked the worried husband.

"Sweetheart," the wife sobbed, "something horrible has happened. I just cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you."

"I don't understand, darling," the husband said. "Why would that have you so upset?"

"I had taken it out of the oven to season it and the phone rang," explained his sobbing wife. "When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the dog had eaten it!"

"Don't cry, honey," the husband said in a comforting tone, "I promise you that first thing tomorrow morning, I'll buy you a new dog."

psychopath

i think he meant the dog kena poison and die jor....hahah

that makes sense also

How dating my ex was like playing DOOM II on nightmare mode
from Mingle2.com


I want to begin by saying I had options: I could have chosen an easier difficulty level, even ultra-violence would have worked. There are plenty of nice, moderately sane girls out there who I could have dated. But no, I willingly chose nightmare mode. I went for the unstable, completely batshit-crazy girl who taught me what it truly means to experience Hell on Earth.

Grunt The Honeymoon Phase
It starts out fun. I'm running around killing shotgun guys and everything is cool. I've got a chainsaw and a boomstick and everything is going my way. She knows I've got my own thing going on and respects my independence. I'm having so much fun, I wish I could play this forever!

DOOM II - You had me at ROAARRR ROWWWLLL ROHRRROHRR

Let the smothering begin
Pretty soon things start getting tricky, there seems to be a never-ending supply of Imps and they just won't stop. Baby, I love you but I need some space, okay? I've got other monsters to kill and these keycards aren't getting any easier to find.

Trick questions
So there's invisible monsters now? How the hell am I suppose to shoot an invisible monster? When you asked me if I thought your best friend was attractive how was I suppose to know "Hell yeah she's hot!" was the WRONG answer? I'm a simple creature, be straight with me.

Goodbye, personal space
My bathroom never looked the same after you moved in. You wallpapered the house with entrails, spattered blood, and demonic symbols. You took down my favorite Bjork poster and replaced it with a "kittens around the world" calendar. You're with me morning, noon, and night.



Picking the daily fight
Now there's an arch-vile running around resurrecting the dead. We've been over this issue a hundred times, are you just looking for an excuse to fight? Can't we go just one day without mass-murder?


What used to be cute is now highly annoying
If I have to shoot one more flaming skull I swear to God I'm going to off myself with this plasma gun and end this once and for all.Lets have an us talk


I want to cheat on you
I'm trapped in this relationship and IDDQD and IDKFA are starting to sound very appealing. I'm a man of ethics, however, and I'm going to endure this masochistic adventure as honestly as I can. (Plus, the sex is still great)

Your friends are a bunch of Cacodemons
Bloated, lethargic, one-eyed beasts: your friends are a bunch of self-centered, gossiping monsters who are only concerned with a) themselves and b) b****ing about whoever isn't within earshot.



The straw that broke the Cyberdemon's back
I've endured the hordes of hell for you. I've watched our relationship evolve from a casual encounter into a level of commitment that rivals most marriages. Your cat (which I'm allergic to, by the way) has managed to defecate, urinate, and claw everything I own that is less than four feet tall. I have no armor, health, and I'm reduced to using my little spike-covered fist to fight with. I've had it - It's over.

Moving on
Doom II: I've started seeing someone else. She supports true 3D and promises things you could never give me. It's not that I don't love you, I just think we're better off as friends. Specifically, I think we're better off as friends who live at least three states apart.

Nice DOOM joke.

He's gonna change gf again when Crysis comes out.True photo like 3D with real time physics.He sure cant resists.

Two Words


A guy and a girl were making out in her bedroom and things were getting a little hot and heavy. All of a sudden, he took out his manhood and put it in her hand.

Shocked, she screamed and ran out of the room, down the stairs, through the living room, through the kitchen and out the back door.

"Listen buddy," she screamed, "I have two words for you, DROP DEAD!"

"I have two words for you," he shrieked, "LET GO!"

this 1 i really dun understand lor...

she ran out of the house with the d*** still in her hands.

LOL,got more jokes?