THE WEARY HOUSEWIFE



The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your husband, dear."

"Mom, I don't have a husband."

"Is this 234-5678?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Sep 18 2008, 09:27 AM

Excise While Pregnant

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Here's a repost.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Wife: I wish I were a newspaper, so you will hold me every morning.

Husband: I wish you were a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Sep 22 2008, 11:45 AM

This thread is still awesome.

Best joke thread in LYN.

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been Saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he?" said the old nun curiously.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more curiously.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did,it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old b-----d" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

LOL,nice jokes.

Especially the one suiteng posted.

Hahahaha... i din expect the blowing ending

Q What's good about depression?
A You always have your funeral planned in advance,

Q What's good about being depressed?
A Nothing. But it's no worse than anything else since life sucks anyhow.

Q. Why did the depressed person cross the busy road?
A. To get to "the other side".

Q. What's worse than being dead?
A. Being alive and depressed.

Q. What's good about being dead?
A. You'll finally achieve your desired weight loss and get the stick thin figure you always wanted.

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears: "But doctor . . . I am Terrifini.

Diet buddies

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Fat sex

A rather large gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly wondered how they had managed to conceive.

One evening at the bar a friend of Paul's got up the nerve to ask him, how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being as large as they are.

To this Paul replied:

"You guys with small d1cks are always asking me that!"

cool jokes .. have been reading this thread for few days from page 1 till 70 ..

nice posts!!
so new, so original

Why nowadays so many diet jokes?

diet jokes in support for Baozzz~!

Warning

Due to the milk situation in China, all men are advised to be extra cautious when sucking china girls breast. May contain melamine.

let me translate it into chinese version:

各位同志：请留意！外面盛传要小心。。。大件事了！凡是有和小龙女中国妹有路的同志要切记~请不要吸她的奶。。。事因中国奶有毒。。。小心鸟结石。

Kid: Can you explain the difference between confident and confidential ?
Dad: Oh ! thats easy. You are my son and I am confident of it. Now your friend over there is also my son and thats confidential ;-)

---

Added on September 27, 2008, 12:20 pmA couple who were attending an art exhibition at the London National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the black men had black penises but the one sitting in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believed that the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left a Welshman approached the couple and said 'would you like to know what the painting is really about.' The couple said 'how would you claim to know more about that painting than the curator of the gallery?' 'Because I'm the guy who painted it.' he replied. ' In fact there is no African American representation at all. They are just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

This post has been edited by MyKy44: Sep 27 2008, 12:20 PM

before i forget where i got it from

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide
to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go
back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the
same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she
has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!