so i will be getting married this year..both our family had dinner to discuss the wedding.. i have one important question/situation. we wanted to give the bride's family 10 table for the wedding as we plan to do it together regardless where we do..my parents being honest stated one of the place we plan to have the wedding and the table gonna cost around 2.5k per table (but this is not confirm we might go for lower value)..but the bride's parents wants to add 5 tables on their own since they will need 15 tables in total.. but after the disccusion dinner (2 days later) they says that they want 12 tables from us instead.. but we could not fulfill it as we already give what we can which could come to cost about 25k.. normally the dowry i heard from friends is between 6k to 10k in klang valley if they do not give tables.. so now the bride's side know the table cost 25k in value.. they instead ask for 25k as dowry then they will held the wedding separely..both me and my fiancee wants to have it together but my fiancee parents seems to want to held separately for now..so do you guys think i should give 25k or just follow market rate if they want to hled separately?

I've not given dowry before, but I from what I've heard (out of 3 cases), anything less than RM8,000 will get you into trouble. There will be arguments between parents and it will not look good (eventhough they said 'anything will do').

If you have no problem in terms of financial, just fulfill whatever they request. Nothing much can be done if all parties can't get a consensus.

my husband give dowry 5K
but all table and angpow we settle. so no give what table what table so touble some. we have separerate wedding as well, parent 1 cent also no keluar.. we settle ourself.. becoz if this, we got to control the table and guest list..



so do you guys think i should give 25k or just follow market rate if they want to hled separately?
<-- if u pay them 25K and they hold separately.. stated firm that the restaurant they hold will not be cover by u dy.. the angpow will be your not them parent.

but if u rich and u dont mind to give out the 25K then go ahead pass the angpow back to the bride side.. ( total loss)

remember: As long as u and ur wife not suffer after wedding due to financial then is ok. but if u think this is too much then u need to stay firm on your decision. As your wife to do the talking for the bride side..

This post has been edited by yahiko: Mar 3 2016, 10:36 AM

dont argue with future parents in law.

from what i heard 5-10k, 8k in general, 2k for bride site family for preparation like food catering etc.

good luck bro, im also in yor same shoes as well now.

25k dowry is just over the roof.... maybe you come from well off family... for me.. 10k is just nice. You still have other things to cover like wedding photo...angpow... Even u give another 10 free tables to your bride's side... it will attract bad mouthing from your relative... after marriage, both family relation will be bad. I seen this few times already.

TS, don't bother about checking the market rate for dowry.

What I see in such situation is that you have offer 10 tables (of the same restaurant with your family). And that is the budget you spare for them. Hence, is quite valid if they ask for RM25K cash instead of RM25K value of table. Unless your family decide to move to other restaurant that cost RM1.5K per table, then you can offer to pay all their tables.

After offering 10table cost of RM25K but now wanna to reduce the amt as dowry will be a bit disrespectful to the girl family, like fooling them.

My time (more than 10yrs ago), my hubby given my family RM6K dowry with complete Chinese wedding gift.. no offer table. And my parents just ok with it. But I can imagine if he offer the tables as a start and end up shrink budget telling my parents to exchange with lower cash.. my parents sure upset. Coz that only trigger 1 sentence "you treat us as secondary is it?"
By the way, my in-law side cover the wine for dinner and my mom was unhappy coz they given the cheaper range to girl side. By right, should be all same kind of wine serve for both side at the same dinner, as that tied to face-value.

ur wife should help u nego on this one
25k is too much

If you can afford, dont be calculative on dowry. Of course, please ensure you do not go into debt because of wedding dinner, photo session, etc. For me, many thing could be optional, even wedding dinner.

agreed with cc980024 if you yourself buy things for wedding dinner, both sites should be equal. If your parents-in-law want to buy themselves then another story.

Wedding dinner is tiring, so if possible and total number of tables are still manageable, recommended to have the wedding dinner together. Just give the amount of tables they want. You can just opt for lower range of menu, if you need to reduce cost.

Personally, i think dowry is to show appreciation and gratitude of your wife parents in supporting her for so many years. Any amount you think suitable, will be suitable.

As for me, both of us working overseas during the time we get married. My wife just discuss the amount of dowry to me, double to what considered to be market rate that time. We think that the amount is suitable. Basically my parents-in-laws uses the dowry for wedding preparation, buffet dinner and the the rest pretty much buying gold jewelry for us. We have wedding dinner together and we kept all ang pau, used to pay for the dinner.

Give good effort in communicating and to ensure all parties are satisfy. This is an event of happiness. Good luck.

kesian ts for having this kind of future in laws.. what your future wife say about this?

Market price now is RM8000.

Just gave dowry last weekend. RM 10000.00.

There goes my savings.

Actually most of the girl's parents will use the dowry to buy gold and return it back to the bride. In a way, your money make a big tour and end up back to your hand. At the same time, your in-law happy that son-in-law is generous. Unless all along you already seen them as "korek duit" kind of ppl. (Your wife should know). If they are not, no worry.. they won't pocket the dowry.. it all goes back to the wedding.

My aunty never request a single dowry from her son-in-law coz she said she don't need that money and herself is quite well off. But her son-in-law earn high SGD salary too. So, as a "security" she took the dowry and converted it back as an angpao to her daughter. Indirectly take the $ from the son-in-law hand and put it inside daughter's account. Hehehehe.. so that is so much a parents can do for daughter. But fair la.. nowadays man usually married working wife who also contribute some $ back home.

Actually way back dowry given to bride family is due to once their daughter married, she will be belong to the groom family. Even going back home would required permission.

Today is more like a form of gratitude & especially in current state of economic just give what ever you can afford. Marriage is not one off payment like before, after marriage might need to give monthly living expenses to both side parents, etc.

Furthermore, nowadays the chances of women involving infidelity is as high as men. No point splashing so much money in a single person. Better save some for yourself or your children in future.

You should know your wife's family well. Thou they ask for huge amount, but usually the girl family did not pocket it. They use it for wedding preparation. Like myself, thou my mom get dowry.. and portion of it being use for preparation. Thou there are balance .. but if calculated, the gold jewelry and angpau that my parents give us far beyond the dowry amount (in a way, they rugi after marry out the daughter).

Whereas my in-law, given me very little in terms of gift (they recycle the same gold ring that they bought for my hubby at 21yrs old as tea ceremony gift for my hubby). But we pay for the dinner (guy side) and 99% guests are inlaw's fren.. and inlaw pocketed the angpao. In another word, my parents rugi when daughter get married, whereas my in-law make use of our wedding and earn angpao $. Or to say, I earn from my parents, and we loss to his parents.

it depends on both family discussion.
i have several case i would like to share here.
1) i have friends who come from an average family, during discussion the bride's parent mention 10k. at the end, they return RM9,999. to the groom. just take rm1. because they said,i am not selling daughter.

2) i do have friends come from average and request for rm10k. they return rm188 to the groom.

3) my friend from wealthy family. bride's family request for rm20k and then return rm1k.

4) and i have friend who parent mention, do not dowry.

5) and some even ended up in a arguement/debation.

ultimately, it all depends on discussion between both family.
I have been through the discussion.it's not easy as a guy. but here is the tip for u which i can think off:

a) pre-amp ur wife/husband what do u want roughly. so during the discussion,both family knows what u want.they will just glance through and agree or if there are changes,it'll be just minor changes. This is very crucial to both bride and groom.

b) when ur wife or wife family start to "lost of word" or "ganciong". be a man and stand up, voice out what is the plan u have mention to ur parent before as it was pre-amp.dont let them force out. sometimes they will have this thinking of "i am the one married and i have to tell out my market price, like i decide my price". we can't blame how the ladies think. but as a man. this is crucial as well.

c) bring them to a nice restaurant to eat and discuss. dont have to go to expensive restaurant. preferably an average or slightly above average like dragon-i, canton-i or even breakfast dimsum.but dont go to jin xuan dimsum. bring them go to places like oriental restaurant for dimsum. budget around rm300, get a room. make it look like it's a grand event afterall.it is an important event. believe me, when both family is there, they will behave.

with this 3 tips,i believe u will go through this session.
not easy as a guy,man,husband to be because most of the time, they wont pity the guy. but still, we have to go through and eventually will.


In your case,
u are coming from a wealthy family (judging from ur table rm2.5k/tableestimately at hotel..average people wont do that.average people will go for around RM 899-1299, and it's obvious that your parent is helping). perhaps ur in law are taking advantage over u.
to me when i meet people like this, i will not go softhearted.
if they intend to combine wedding, then the term can be discuss.
if they intend to do separate wedding, there's no point to discuss. just dowry rm8,888. and that's all.
parent who does that normally using this opportunity to earn angpao. when u can see their eye is materialistic. u have to be man up to do something.
after all, marriage is just for the both of u to be happy. why till this extend?
if i were u, i will give rm8,888 and that's all.nothing more.

good luck

This post has been edited by LS Trading: Mar 21 2016, 10:54 AM

was busy through out the month..now update time for future reference for others...

1)1st negotiation... i have to agree that we cant be disrespectful to the bride side by reducing a whole lot of amount... me and my wife actual plan is for me to give 10 tables regardless of which restaurant/hotel we will hold our reception and i will give another angpau to her mother.... so as above they requested 12 tables (this is actually said by my wife) because her parents actually requested for 15 which will bring the amount from planned 25k to 37.5k.. my parents do not agree with the 12 tables even..they are ok with 10 tables...

2) 2nd negotiation...wife mum complain that if i give 10 tables they cant afford to add on the 5 tables, so i told them that if i already give you 10 tables, they need add on 5 tables will be 12.5k and since they will be keeping the ang pau i told them if each guest give RM100 (lowest rate in kl i guess) you will receive 15k which is more than enough to cover the 5 tables with 2.5k extra..she still does not seem happy but she did not say anything.. my wife is not happy with her mum (because she really want us to do together and thinks that it is actually reasonable) (dont forget i will give angpau as well on top of these tables)


3) 3rd negotiation.. so her mum decided to hold the reception separately instead on a cheaper restaurant... she ask the 10 tables i suppose to give to convert to cash 25k for her straight then she will settle all.. well as me and my wife decided earlier that 10 tables regardless where, i did not agree with her mum... so i told her we will do the same concept i will be giving u 10 tables regardless the price of the table for my wife side reception.. if she choose 1288 table i will pay for the 10 tables, if she choose 2k table i will pay 20k.. thank god she agree with it with persuasion from my wife and my detail explanation to her.. to be clear shes not in for the money but apparently there are inputs from outsider (her mum's friend) telling the mum that other people wedding give 70k dowry aso no bising should call your son in law give u the 25k... so FINALLY settle... they decided to go with the 1288 table but my parents and i decided to give a total 18888 to them..


tips & lessons that maybe you guys could use for future..
1) be very patient..
2) elders after getting inputs from outsider will have different view or request back to no.1 patient!!! explain to them
3) communicate with your wife 1st before holding any meetings/negotiations between parents (this helps alot as both me and my wife do not have any big arguments/disagreements on the problems as we already know what we able to give and whats the request)
4) IMPORTANT!!! do not tell everything your in law told you to ur parents vice versa (reduce misunderstandings and negative views on each other) FILTER!!!


thank god my parents will be covering the dinner cost as i would not be afford to host a table of 2.5k.. if its for me i would just hold it in chinese restaurant (lower cost hopefully ang pau can help) but due to our business nature, my parents would like to have a better reception (in hotel) other costs will be on me...things are getting more expensive these days from what me and my wife surveyed 2 years ago... so far with 80% things about to done/booked we are kinda in a tight budget but manageable.. from our prediction we will need to cut off certain things to ensure we stay within budget...

might have to work part time during the night HAHAHAHAHA!!!

if any of you need any info or contacts, i dont mind helping out (without charge) just sharing informations

TS offer is a bit on the high side, and the gf's parents seems getting greedy. Anyway, at least it settle.

Congratulations!

Congratulation. Do relax and enjoy your big day!!! : )

haha yes but at least its settle! thanks

Congratulation, TS.

but bear in mind, be cautious, don't assume it is settled. not until your actual day because anything can happen until the actual day.

once u pass the actual day(actual day ceremony tea session,not guodailai) bringing liquor and fruits over. nothing happen.then it's fine.
because there is where all the relative is there and mouth,words is the strongest weapon. aunties,relative will talk and give alot of unecessary opinion.
example my friend. on actually day he brought wine to lady's house as agreed.one of the auntie mention, 'walao eh, wine owh...your daughter got so cheap like wine or not? i also can buy wine for u la. must at least liquor. don't give chivas or black label. this kind of liquor is hakyee liquor."..my friend straight no face.
the worst part is after hengdai play jimui game
relative all guard at door.dont let him enter house.
u want come in, go buy liquor.so no choice. one of his friend coincidentally got liquor at home, brought for him. the whole ceremony was on hold.
then auntie stand there with her mother and relative said, "want to get bride. where got so easy? if so easy, then bride no value".

i am not saying this to scare you. but we as guy, we ready until the very last minute.many other things example chinese custom, we are still not really familiar.
although we are familiar. there will be someone saying something on that day.

as of now, u are 33.33% settled.
congratulation, bro.

Is true..sometimes ppl around us may have some last minute decision that give you a shock.
During my wedding, my father-in-law borrow his cousin's car. But right after the morning wedding ceremony (bride received into groom's home). My father-in-law immediately return the car. That uncle was shock coz ppl already expected that a wedding car will be use for whole day and he don't mind. But my father-in-law insisted. And that time, we travel bk hometown using my Kelisa. Since wedding car already returned... end up my Kelisa is parked at the wedding car parking infront of the restaurant ... looks a bit odd. But the worst part happen is .. after the event, I directly head home without changing. I hardly sit straight with my belly-tight and huge gown. Hence, kena lie down in the car from restaurant bk home.. yucky..
If we know such stupid thing will happen, might as well pay a bit more and rent car from the wedding studio.. instead of let my father-in-law borrow car.

Hi Guys,

Just to jack this topic a bit, any give details on what to bring during the actual day except for liquor?

Dowry is a Must. 孝敬

2.5K / Table?????? You just pick the wrong place, wrong package, wrong time with wrong person!

i have my wedding dinner done in a 4 Star Hotel in a giant ball room
RM688/table ( 2013 )

PPL who lazy do survey + not high income + always short of idea to solve problem...............

Wow! Can you enlighten us, where is the location of this hotel. Klang valley?
It will help lots of singles here if you can state the area for them to source.

Me 11 yrs back, in hometown TaiThong already cost me RM688 (b4 tax).

mine was 11,888 + 4 free tables (each table around 1.5k)

consider average...

Your offer of 10 tables for 25k is more then enough. If they want 5 more additional tables they should pay for it themself. Want face dont want give money? they will get some of the money via angpow anyway.

Offer is on table not on cash. You will use your angpow you get to cover the hotel tables. You can tell them you do not have 25k in cash to give as dowry. you can tell them you are paying the hotel via credit.

From the 10 tables, your in laws can keep all the angpow they gather from it, which could amount to 10k to 20k. (2.5k per table is too high priced, as most hotel wedding guest will pay 100 to 200 as angpow only, penang rate that is)

If want cash 10k to 15k is suffice.

Holy mother of god. very paiseh. actually best to return the car either after dinner or next day.


it depend on your discussion with the bride's family. example roast pig. by right it is suppose to bring during actual day so can cut and serve guest, but now days people give during guodailai session. u can bring fruits, longevity noodle. no specific preference.just discuss with bride's family.
some people even give a day before the ceremony.so actual day dont have to bring many things.
very subjective.

I c...ok thanks for the info, will discuss with their side on this.

Haha..yalar.. u feel me. By the way, that is not the only surprise.
When I called my husband 30minutes before the schedule time that he suppose to reach my house. He said he is waiting for Roast pxg at the shop. Groom gotta bring that big thing bk.. no delivery.
Where are his friends? Wrong message sent.. everyone meet up at my house to fetch the bride; instead of travel together from groom's house.
And he is late of coz. Hahahaha...


Anyway, hope everyone have a pleasant experience during the whole event.. thou mine with some funny stuff happening, at least those are the hiccups that remind me of my event.

haha yes agreed words is the strongest weapon.. so yes im kinda preparing for the actual day in advance.. hopefully less hiccups la cant expect no hiccups hahahaha... just be ready...doing it in KL and doing in hotel cost alot more..now having headache on decoration.. its not cheap..everything is expensive nowadays... my wife side dont wan roast pig though..

Oooo.. i did not know that the dowry has to consider about the tables given to your in laww.. never though of that.

2 years back. Dowry RM15k - Table 5. Never really thought of contra from the tables given.

PS: nego with them la.. tell them if rm25k.. then i cannot marry your daughter liao. i need to save few more years.

last year 12k+3k tables.. wedding reception @Seafood Chinese Rest, 1k per table.. food was good, spacious (no pillar)

I am getting married this year too. From my understanding, it goes like this.

If let's say dowry is like 10,000. If the groom doesn't have much cash on hand, they can do something like give 5 tables to the bride family (costing RM 1,000 each - total RM 5,000) + another RM 5,000 in cash. Total is 10,000.

OR

Give total 10 tables for the bride family with RM 0 dowry (if they accept it)

But then again, you have to take into consideration the "angpao received" on that wedding day itself. Does it belongs to you - OR - are you going to split it with the bride side? Is your wedding fully handled by you and the bride or its gonna be a split?

A split usually means groom takes up 25 tables, bride takes up 25 tables. Angpao received is divided depending on how many pax are attending. Some have huge family members vs the partner's side. Maybe the groom has 75 tables and bride side only have 10 tables. So therefore the groom is entitle for his own angpao received and bride on her own. Costings are calculated separately.

On my side, I am thinking giving dowry of RM 6000 + 3 tables (worth Rm 4,800) = Rm 10,000 +. Angpao I take all (I as in me and my wife) to cover the entire dinner. If covered everything, aka my dowry is just RM 6000 cash

Congratulations TS! Hope that everything goes smoothly on your big day.

so i just consulted and engage a male bride's chaperone (dai kam kung).. as i know there is a few other things to bring example oranges and apple... if u are engaging on bride's chaperone they should help to settle this..

This one really depending on your in laws.. well like my situation i planned to give 10 tables in the end the discussion goes the other way...me and my fiance are good with whateva im giving but not the in-laws..there will be alot input going into ur in-laws ear from those (3 ku 6 po)...if u get what i mean.. anyhow be patient and you can consult here..haha they do help..

Good, that you have a plan. But do be ready that what your plan may not be what your inlaw expecting. Just be open for negotiation, but who knows... not all inlaw expect $ (although by culture.. mostly does).

My cousin sister married mat salleh, my aunty so worry coz as she understand that girl is expected to pay for the wedding (for western culture), opposite from us. But to her surprise, her son-in-law wanted to follow chinese culture and willing to pay for the wedding. My aunty, thought to make it simple for the wedding, by using the lumpsump $ given by her son-in-law, she label multiple angpaos with each representing dowry, roast pig, wedding biscuits, etc.. (all the traditional barang hantaran). Of coz, she is the only person preparing for the event, as the inlaw side are westerners. But in the end, her son-in-law question her where is the real roast pig, biscuits and all. Coz he is expecting to have a real chinese wedding.. not a semi-modern kind using angpao represent each of it, where some of our local chinese doing for convenience.. hahahah.

So better talk properly and know the expectation from the other side. Hahaha.

I agree with what you said. Nonetheless, it all depends on your future wife too.

Dear TS how did it go in the end.

This post has been edited by Pacmangoku: Jul 23 2019, 01:36 PM

Agree. My in laws didn't even want anything but I insisted to at least give them a whole pig. My mother in law even gave me a gold bracelet worth 7k as a son in law gift.

We held 2 reception, one in my hometown and another in KL where we're staying and my in laws are staying.

Getting married in this time of age is becoming more pening kepala

nowadays..
if u don't have at least rm 50k in hand...
forget about doing wedding & reception

truth hurts...

Proof or else
Odd this guy kept quiet since posting this...lol

What is the current rate?

This post has been edited by Human Nature: Dec 29 2022, 07:59 AM

just realized its being bumped.

25k? nah. just tell them u give them 12 tables and all the angpow will be collected by you.

This post has been edited by spectrum17: Dec 23 2022, 11:56 AM

i married 5 years ago. I also send like crazy.
dowry i give RM10k cash, 1 roast pig RM1k+, biscuit + misc etc ... i forgot how much total.
My in law gave me back 1 small angpow RM200+ only. the rest i dunno gone where.
reno room + furniture = RM13k
dinner we have buffet style (roast lamb, satay, cendol, and other buffet menu) + free flow beer = RM10k.
All expenses + dowry I paid myself, but dinner angpow my in law want split.
greedy betul.

Any way to get it cheaper? rm25k after 30 years be worth rm100k

seem that comparatively, malay weeding is cheaper

The amount of dowry would depend on whether the bride is still virgin or not.

If already let people play before, of course the amount will be lower. The in-laws must understand this and not be too unreasonable in their demands.

mine was 28888 and their parent flu 3 times to sabah for our wedding.
first time is meet and greet at sabah
2nd time is guo da li
3rd time is dinner reception.

my parent also flu to kl last week for KL reception.
all was good. sabah side all by my parent, KL side all by their parent. KL side take 1 table from bride and sabah side no take by groom.