so i will be getting married this year..both our family had dinner to discuss the wedding.. i have one important question/situation. we wanted to give the bride's family 10 table for the wedding as we plan to do it together regardless where we do..my parents being honest stated one of the place we plan to have the wedding and the table gonna cost around 2.5k per table (but this is not confirm we might go for lower value)..but the bride's parents wants to add 5 tables on their own since they will need 15 tables in total.. but after the disccusion dinner (2 days later) they says that they want 12 tables from us instead.. but we could not fulfill it as we already give what we can which could come to cost about 25k.. normally the dowry i heard from friends is between 6k to 10k in klang valley if they do not give tables.. so now the bride's side know the table cost 25k in value.. they instead ask for 25k as dowry then they will held the wedding separely..both me and my fiancee wants to have it together but my fiancee parents seems to want to held separately for now..so do you guys think i should give 25k or just follow market rate if they want to hled separately?

I've not given dowry before, but I from what I've heard (out of 3 cases), anything less than RM8,000 will get you into trouble. There will be arguments between parents and it will not look good (eventhough they said 'anything will do').

If you have no problem in terms of financial, just fulfill whatever they request. Nothing much can be done if all parties can't get a consensus.

my husband give dowry 5K
but all table and angpow we settle. so no give what table what table so touble some. we have separerate wedding as well, parent 1 cent also no keluar.. we settle ourself.. becoz if this, we got to control the table and guest list..



so do you guys think i should give 25k or just follow market rate if they want to hled separately?
<-- if u pay them 25K and they hold separately.. stated firm that the restaurant they hold will not be cover by u dy.. the angpow will be your not them parent.

but if u rich and u dont mind to give out the 25K then go ahead pass the angpow back to the bride side.. ( total loss)

remember: As long as u and ur wife not suffer after wedding due to financial then is ok. but if u think this is too much then u need to stay firm on your decision. As your wife to do the talking for the bride side..

This post has been edited by yahiko: Mar 3 2016, 10:36 AM

dont argue with future parents in law.

from what i heard 5-10k, 8k in general, 2k for bride site family for preparation like food catering etc.

good luck bro, im also in yor same shoes as well now.

25k dowry is just over the roof.... maybe you come from well off family... for me.. 10k is just nice. You still have other things to cover like wedding photo...angpow... Even u give another 10 free tables to your bride's side... it will attract bad mouthing from your relative... after marriage, both family relation will be bad. I seen this few times already.

TS, don't bother about checking the market rate for dowry.

What I see in such situation is that you have offer 10 tables (of the same restaurant with your family). And that is the budget you spare for them. Hence, is quite valid if they ask for RM25K cash instead of RM25K value of table. Unless your family decide to move to other restaurant that cost RM1.5K per table, then you can offer to pay all their tables.

After offering 10table cost of RM25K but now wanna to reduce the amt as dowry will be a bit disrespectful to the girl family, like fooling them.

My time (more than 10yrs ago), my hubby given my family RM6K dowry with complete Chinese wedding gift.. no offer table. And my parents just ok with it. But I can imagine if he offer the tables as a start and end up shrink budget telling my parents to exchange with lower cash.. my parents sure upset. Coz that only trigger 1 sentence "you treat us as secondary is it?"
By the way, my in-law side cover the wine for dinner and my mom was unhappy coz they given the cheaper range to girl side. By right, should be all same kind of wine serve for both side at the same dinner, as that tied to face-value.

ur wife should help u nego on this one
25k is too much

If you can afford, dont be calculative on dowry. Of course, please ensure you do not go into debt because of wedding dinner, photo session, etc. For me, many thing could be optional, even wedding dinner.

agreed with cc980024 if you yourself buy things for wedding dinner, both sites should be equal. If your parents-in-law want to buy themselves then another story.

Wedding dinner is tiring, so if possible and total number of tables are still manageable, recommended to have the wedding dinner together. Just give the amount of tables they want. You can just opt for lower range of menu, if you need to reduce cost.

Personally, i think dowry is to show appreciation and gratitude of your wife parents in supporting her for so many years. Any amount you think suitable, will be suitable.

As for me, both of us working overseas during the time we get married. My wife just discuss the amount of dowry to me, double to what considered to be market rate that time. We think that the amount is suitable. Basically my parents-in-laws uses the dowry for wedding preparation, buffet dinner and the the rest pretty much buying gold jewelry for us. We have wedding dinner together and we kept all ang pau, used to pay for the dinner.

Give good effort in communicating and to ensure all parties are satisfy. This is an event of happiness. Good luck.

kesian ts for having this kind of future in laws.. what your future wife say about this?

Market price now is RM8000.

Just gave dowry last weekend. RM 10000.00.

There goes my savings.

Actually most of the girl's parents will use the dowry to buy gold and return it back to the bride. In a way, your money make a big tour and end up back to your hand. At the same time, your in-law happy that son-in-law is generous. Unless all along you already seen them as "korek duit" kind of ppl. (Your wife should know). If they are not, no worry.. they won't pocket the dowry.. it all goes back to the wedding.

My aunty never request a single dowry from her son-in-law coz she said she don't need that money and herself is quite well off. But her son-in-law earn high SGD salary too. So, as a "security" she took the dowry and converted it back as an angpao to her daughter. Indirectly take the $ from the son-in-law hand and put it inside daughter's account. Hehehehe.. so that is so much a parents can do for daughter. But fair la.. nowadays man usually married working wife who also contribute some $ back home.

Actually way back dowry given to bride family is due to once their daughter married, she will be belong to the groom family. Even going back home would required permission.

Today is more like a form of gratitude & especially in current state of economic just give what ever you can afford. Marriage is not one off payment like before, after marriage might need to give monthly living expenses to both side parents, etc.

Furthermore, nowadays the chances of women involving infidelity is as high as men. No point splashing so much money in a single person. Better save some for yourself or your children in future.

You should know your wife's family well. Thou they ask for huge amount, but usually the girl family did not pocket it. They use it for wedding preparation. Like myself, thou my mom get dowry.. and portion of it being use for preparation. Thou there are balance .. but if calculated, the gold jewelry and angpau that my parents give us far beyond the dowry amount (in a way, they rugi after marry out the daughter).

Whereas my in-law, given me very little in terms of gift (they recycle the same gold ring that they bought for my hubby at 21yrs old as tea ceremony gift for my hubby). But we pay for the dinner (guy side) and 99% guests are inlaw's fren.. and inlaw pocketed the angpao. In another word, my parents rugi when daughter get married, whereas my in-law make use of our wedding and earn angpao $. Or to say, I earn from my parents, and we loss to his parents.

it depends on both family discussion.
i have several case i would like to share here.
1) i have friends who come from an average family, during discussion the bride's parent mention 10k. at the end, they return RM9,999. to the groom. just take rm1. because they said,i am not selling daughter.

2) i do have friends come from average and request for rm10k. they return rm188 to the groom.

3) my friend from wealthy family. bride's family request for rm20k and then return rm1k.

4) and i have friend who parent mention, do not dowry.

5) and some even ended up in a arguement/debation.

ultimately, it all depends on discussion between both family.
I have been through the discussion.it's not easy as a guy. but here is the tip for u which i can think off:

a) pre-amp ur wife/husband what do u want roughly. so during the discussion,both family knows what u want.they will just glance through and agree or if there are changes,it'll be just minor changes. This is very crucial to both bride and groom.

b) when ur wife or wife family start to "lost of word" or "ganciong". be a man and stand up, voice out what is the plan u have mention to ur parent before as it was pre-amp.dont let them force out. sometimes they will have this thinking of "i am the one married and i have to tell out my market price, like i decide my price". we can't blame how the ladies think. but as a man. this is crucial as well.

c) bring them to a nice restaurant to eat and discuss. dont have to go to expensive restaurant. preferably an average or slightly above average like dragon-i, canton-i or even breakfast dimsum.but dont go to jin xuan dimsum. bring them go to places like oriental restaurant for dimsum. budget around rm300, get a room. make it look like it's a grand event afterall.it is an important event. believe me, when both family is there, they will behave.

with this 3 tips,i believe u will go through this session.
not easy as a guy,man,husband to be because most of the time, they wont pity the guy. but still, we have to go through and eventually will.


In your case,
u are coming from a wealthy family (judging from ur table rm2.5k/tableestimately at hotel..average people wont do that.average people will go for around RM 899-1299, and it's obvious that your parent is helping). perhaps ur in law are taking advantage over u.
to me when i meet people like this, i will not go softhearted.
if they intend to combine wedding, then the term can be discuss.
if they intend to do separate wedding, there's no point to discuss. just dowry rm8,888. and that's all.
parent who does that normally using this opportunity to earn angpao. when u can see their eye is materialistic. u have to be man up to do something.
after all, marriage is just for the both of u to be happy. why till this extend?
if i were u, i will give rm8,888 and that's all.nothing more.

good luck

This post has been edited by LS Trading: Mar 21 2016, 10:54 AM

was busy through out the month..now update time for future reference for others...

1)1st negotiation... i have to agree that we cant be disrespectful to the bride side by reducing a whole lot of amount... me and my wife actual plan is for me to give 10 tables regardless of which restaurant/hotel we will hold our reception and i will give another angpau to her mother.... so as above they requested 12 tables (this is actually said by my wife) because her parents actually requested for 15 which will bring the amount from planned 25k to 37.5k.. my parents do not agree with the 12 tables even..they are ok with 10 tables...

2) 2nd negotiation...wife mum complain that if i give 10 tables they cant afford to add on the 5 tables, so i told them that if i already give you 10 tables, they need add on 5 tables will be 12.5k and since they will be keeping the ang pau i told them if each guest give RM100 (lowest rate in kl i guess) you will receive 15k which is more than enough to cover the 5 tables with 2.5k extra..she still does not seem happy but she did not say anything.. my wife is not happy with her mum (because she really want us to do together and thinks that it is actually reasonable) (dont forget i will give angpau as well on top of these tables)


3) 3rd negotiation.. so her mum decided to hold the reception separately instead on a cheaper restaurant... she ask the 10 tables i suppose to give to convert to cash 25k for her straight then she will settle all.. well as me and my wife decided earlier that 10 tables regardless where, i did not agree with her mum... so i told her we will do the same concept i will be giving u 10 tables regardless the price of the table for my wife side reception.. if she choose 1288 table i will pay for the 10 tables, if she choose 2k table i will pay 20k.. thank god she agree with it with persuasion from my wife and my detail explanation to her.. to be clear shes not in for the money but apparently there are inputs from outsider (her mum's friend) telling the mum that other people wedding give 70k dowry aso no bising should call your son in law give u the 25k... so FINALLY settle... they decided to go with the 1288 table but my parents and i decided to give a total 18888 to them..


tips & lessons that maybe you guys could use for future..
1) be very patient..
2) elders after getting inputs from outsider will have different view or request back to no.1 patient!!! explain to them
3) communicate with your wife 1st before holding any meetings/negotiations between parents (this helps alot as both me and my wife do not have any big arguments/disagreements on the problems as we already know what we able to give and whats the request)
4) IMPORTANT!!! do not tell everything your in law told you to ur parents vice versa (reduce misunderstandings and negative views on each other) FILTER!!!


thank god my parents will be covering the dinner cost as i would not be afford to host a table of 2.5k.. if its for me i would just hold it in chinese restaurant (lower cost hopefully ang pau can help) but due to our business nature, my parents would like to have a better reception (in hotel) other costs will be on me...things are getting more expensive these days from what me and my wife surveyed 2 years ago... so far with 80% things about to done/booked we are kinda in a tight budget but manageable.. from our prediction we will need to cut off certain things to ensure we stay within budget...

might have to work part time during the night HAHAHAHAHA!!!

if any of you need any info or contacts, i dont mind helping out (without charge) just sharing informations

TS offer is a bit on the high side, and the gf's parents seems getting greedy. Anyway, at least it settle.

Congratulations!

Congratulation. Do relax and enjoy your big day!!! : )