Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Oct 26 2015, 06:07 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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"Waiter, I'd like some chicken. The younger the better." "Good, I'll bring you an egg!" |
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Oct 26 2015, 06:08 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!" |
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Oct 26 2015, 06:11 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...So I gave him Paracetamol." "Very good, Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy. "Great! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Oh my... What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." |
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Oct 27 2015, 02:28 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!" |
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Oct 27 2015, 02:30 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" |
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Oct 27 2015, 02:32 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied. |
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Nov 3 2015, 05:21 PM
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Junior Member
5 posts Joined: Mar 2011
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I spend my working hour today read this topic from the beginning until end..... what a great life I have.
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Nov 5 2015, 09:13 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth." |
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Nov 5 2015, 09:19 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two old married men chatting in a bar. First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?" The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery." |
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Nov 5 2015, 09:20 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?," asked the friend. "My wife found out..." |
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Nov 5 2015, 09:22 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car. |
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Nov 5 2015, 09:26 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworthâ™s manager sees her and shuts the horse off. |
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Nov 5 2015, 09:27 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid. |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:08 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'" "Now... what would you say?" |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:10 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:12 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man." So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind. She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds." |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:13 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied. "Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!" |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:14 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper. Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor |
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Nov 10 2015, 02:16 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush! |
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Dec 10 2015, 07:56 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" |
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