Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Aug 25 2015, 12:11 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife." |
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Aug 25 2015, 12:12 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?" |
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Aug 26 2015, 08:23 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before." |
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Aug 27 2015, 09:05 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." |
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Aug 27 2015, 09:07 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" |
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Aug 28 2015, 08:47 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.
There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!" |
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Sep 1 2015, 08:53 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says,
"Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?" |
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Sep 1 2015, 08:55 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer. "I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella. "I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer. "I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!" "Well, all right, if you want him so bad." The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!" "Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good." |
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Sep 1 2015, 11:44 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
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Sep 2 2015, 08:54 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM." BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer." |
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Sep 2 2015, 08:55 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less." |
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Sep 2 2015, 08:56 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.
The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.” |
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Sep 2 2015, 08:58 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?" Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time." Maybe I posted this one before, can't remember |
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Sep 2 2015, 08:59 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25. The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted. She shouldn't have lied |
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Sep 4 2015, 07:07 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a$$." |
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Sep 5 2015, 02:34 AM
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Junior Member
659 posts Joined: May 2013 
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QUOTE(Aydee @ Sep 4 2015, 02:07 PM) A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" Lol, this is pretty funny.He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a$$."  Thanks TS for uploading new jokes almost daily! |
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Sep 6 2015, 09:27 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" |
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Sep 6 2015, 09:28 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often! "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . " "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No . . . " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix." |
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Sep 6 2015, 09:31 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." |
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Sep 7 2015, 08:47 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" |
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