Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 Jan 6 2016, 01:42 PM
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney." |
Quote|
|
|
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:46 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Ten million pounds!" "Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full of bills." "And what did you do with them?" "Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..." |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:49 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle. They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through the man’s pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents. "Was that all you wanted?" said the man, "I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!" |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:51 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:25 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:27 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “ |
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:28 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
 |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:29 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." "Why is my sister named "Cornflower"? "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her." "And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:32 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it". The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69". The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:33 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:17 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!" |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:18 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank f*** for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat." |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:19 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head." |
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:20 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:21 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Women are like telephones ... They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're DISCONNECTED.
|
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:26 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" |
|
|
Jan 22 2016, 02:53 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" |
|
|
Jan 22 2016, 02:53 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" |
|
|
Jan 22 2016, 02:54 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" |
|
|
Jan 22 2016, 02:56 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Alla Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!" |
| Change to: |  0.0271sec
 0.43
 5 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 9th December 2025 - 07:33 PM |
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025 IPS, Inc.