Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Dec 10 2015, 07:58 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." |
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Dec 10 2015, 08:00 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I f*cked your mother." Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I f*cked your mother." Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I f*cked your mother." At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling, "That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk." |
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Dec 10 2015, 08:02 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." |
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Dec 10 2015, 08:04 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account." |
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Dec 10 2015, 08:06 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. |
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Dec 15 2015, 01:47 AM
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Junior Member
659 posts Joined: May 2013 
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Thanks for the new updates!
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Dec 16 2015, 08:50 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" |
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Dec 16 2015, 08:54 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causinga major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... |
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Dec 16 2015, 08:56 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" |
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Dec 16 2015, 09:00 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards." |
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Dec 16 2015, 09:01 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?"
Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air." |
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Dec 16 2015, 09:02 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years. "This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim." "That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim." "Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!" |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:30 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes. The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long." The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night." The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'" |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:31 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday. Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!" |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:32 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "Iwant three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of runningboards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to thekitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered threeflat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. Whatdoes he think this place is ... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slicescrisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and thenspooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up." |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:33 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?" Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..." |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:36 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust." |
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Dec 21 2015, 01:39 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a bl*w job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly. A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much. "Something about a job. " |
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Jan 6 2016, 01:38 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared. Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. |
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Jan 6 2016, 01:41 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?" The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute." "Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!" "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!" |
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