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Jokes of the day, Compilation
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TSAydee
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 Sep 22 2015, 08:27 AM
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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
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TSAydee
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Sep 22 2015, 08:28 AM
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Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 07:45 PM
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Been MIA
The adventure continues
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 07:48 PM
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The pro-football team had just finished its daily practice when a large turkey strutted onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and requested a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,
“Your are terrific! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge signing bonus.”
“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said.
“All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 07:52 PM
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A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 07:56 PM
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This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 07:57 PM
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On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
“A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”
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TSAydee
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Oct 23 2015, 08:02 PM
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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TSAydee
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Oct 26 2015, 06:05 PM
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Thanks, appreciate it!
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely,
"Whenever it breaks."
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TSAydee
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Oct 26 2015, 06:07 PM
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"Waiter, I'd like some chicken. The younger the better."
"Good, I'll bring you an egg!"
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TSAydee
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Oct 26 2015, 06:08 PM
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Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"
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TSAydee
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Oct 26 2015, 06:11 PM
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...So I gave him Paracetamol."
"Very good, Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Great! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table,
spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Oh my... What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
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TSAydee
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Oct 27 2015, 02:28 PM
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On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.
While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear,
"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear,
"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said,
"Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
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TSAydee
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Oct 27 2015, 02:30 PM
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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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TSAydee
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Oct 27 2015, 02:32 PM
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A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off.
The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.”
“And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.
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TSAydee
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Nov 5 2015, 09:13 AM
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
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TSAydee
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Nov 5 2015, 09:19 AM
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Two old married men chatting in a bar.
First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?"
The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery."
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TSAydee
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Nov 5 2015, 09:20 AM
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
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TSAydee
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Nov 5 2015, 09:22 AM
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A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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TSAydee
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Nov 5 2015, 09:26 AM
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworthâ™s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
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