Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 Sep 2 2015, 08:54 AM
Return to original view | Post
#281
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM." BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer." |
Quote|
|
|
|
|
Sep 2 2015, 08:55 AM
Return to original view | Post
#282
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less." |
|
|
Sep 2 2015, 08:56 AM
Return to original view | Post
#283
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.
The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.” |
|
|
Sep 2 2015, 08:58 AM
Return to original view | Post
#284
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?" Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time." Maybe I posted this one before, can't remember |
|
|
Sep 2 2015, 08:59 AM
Return to original view | Post
#285
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25. The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted. She shouldn't have lied |
|
|
Sep 4 2015, 07:07 PM
Return to original view | Post
#286
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a$$." |
|
|
|
|
|
Sep 6 2015, 09:27 PM
Return to original view | Post
#287
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" |
|
|
Sep 6 2015, 09:28 PM
Return to original view | Post
#288
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often! "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . " "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No . . . " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix." |
|
|
Sep 6 2015, 09:31 PM
Return to original view | Post
#289
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." |
|
|
Sep 7 2015, 08:47 AM
Return to original view | Post
#290
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" |
|
|
Sep 8 2015, 08:41 AM
Return to original view | Post
#291
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra". "Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?". "It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!" This post has been edited by Aydee: Sep 8 2015, 08:45 AM |
|
|
Sep 8 2015, 08:44 AM
Return to original view | Post
#292
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?" |
|
|
Sep 15 2015, 08:48 AM
Return to original view | Post
#293
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
It's been awhile...
A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car. "Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Sep 17 2015, 08:45 AM
Return to original view | Post
#294
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" |
|
|
Sep 17 2015, 08:46 AM
Return to original view | Post
#295
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along." |
|
|
Sep 18 2015, 08:30 AM
Return to original view | Post
#296
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." |
|
|
Sep 18 2015, 02:46 PM
Return to original view | Post
#297
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00." The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50." |
|
|
Sep 21 2015, 08:46 AM
Return to original view | Post
#298
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until we can get it down off the chandelier." |
|
|
Sep 21 2015, 05:20 PM
Return to original view | Post
#299
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
 |
|
|
Sep 22 2015, 08:26 AM
Return to original view | Post
#300
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.” |
| Change to: |  0.0418sec
 0.42
 6 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 13th December 2025 - 03:34 PM |
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025 IPS, Inc.