Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 Dec 21 2015, 01:31 PM
Return to original view | Post
#341
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday. Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!" |
Quote|
|
|
|
|
Dec 21 2015, 01:32 PM
Return to original view | Post
#342
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "Iwant three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of runningboards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to thekitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered threeflat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. Whatdoes he think this place is ... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slicescrisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and thenspooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up." |
|
|
Dec 21 2015, 01:33 PM
Return to original view | Post
#343
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?" Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..." |
|
|
Dec 21 2015, 01:36 PM
Return to original view | Post
#344
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust." |
|
|
Dec 21 2015, 01:39 PM
Return to original view | Post
#345
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a bl*w job".
Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly. A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much. "Something about a job. " |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:38 PM
Return to original view | Post
#346
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared. Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. |
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:41 PM
Return to original view | Post
#347
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?" The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute." "Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!" "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!" |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:42 PM
Return to original view | Post
#348
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney." |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:46 PM
Return to original view | Post
#349
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Ten million pounds!" "Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full of bills." "And what did you do with them?" "Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..." |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:49 PM
Return to original view | Post
#350
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle. They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through the man’s pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents. "Was that all you wanted?" said the man, "I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!" |
|
|
Jan 6 2016, 01:51 PM
Return to original view | Post
#351
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:25 AM
Return to original view | Post
#352
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:27 AM
Return to original view | Post
#353
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “ |
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:28 AM
Return to original view | Post
#354
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
 |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:29 AM
Return to original view | Post
#355
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." "Why is my sister named "Cornflower"? "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her." "And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:32 AM
Return to original view | Post
#356
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it". The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69". The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?" |
|
|
Jan 18 2016, 09:33 AM
Return to original view | Post
#357
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:17 AM
Return to original view | Post
#358
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!" |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:18 AM
Return to original view | Post
#359
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank f*** for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat." |
|
|
Jan 19 2016, 09:19 AM
Return to original view | Post
#360
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head." |
| Change to: |  0.0344sec
 0.66
 6 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 16th December 2025 - 06:27 AM |
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025 IPS, Inc.