Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Aug 14 2015, 12:37 PM
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#261
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." |
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Aug 16 2015, 07:33 PM
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#262
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?" She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter." He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?" |
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Aug 17 2015, 07:57 AM
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#263
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. |
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Aug 18 2015, 09:10 AM
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#264
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!" |
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Aug 18 2015, 09:11 AM
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#265
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable". |
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Aug 19 2015, 05:20 PM
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#266
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you." |
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Aug 20 2015, 08:26 AM
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#267
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache. After an exam, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come out. "I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain," the dentist explained, "and I'll be back in just a few minutes." The old cowboy grabbed the doc's arm and said, "No way! I hate needles and I ain't havin' no shot!" The dentist said, "That's ok, we'll just go with gas instead." The cowboy replied, "Gas makes me sick! I ain't havin' no gas either!" Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute, and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said, "Here, take this pill." The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, "What is it?" The dentist replied, "It's Viagra." The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replied the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth." |
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Aug 20 2015, 08:28 AM
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#268
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.
So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed. God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" |
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Aug 24 2015, 09:27 AM
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#269
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!" |
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Aug 24 2015, 09:28 AM
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#270
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said. |
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Aug 25 2015, 12:10 PM
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#271
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." |
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Aug 25 2015, 12:11 PM
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#272
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife." |
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Aug 25 2015, 12:12 PM
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#273
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?" |
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Aug 26 2015, 08:23 AM
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#274
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before." |
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Aug 27 2015, 09:05 AM
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#275
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." |
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Aug 27 2015, 09:07 AM
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#276
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" |
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Aug 28 2015, 08:47 AM
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#277
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.
There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!" |
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Sep 1 2015, 08:53 AM
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#278
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says,
"Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?" |
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Sep 1 2015, 08:55 AM
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#279
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer. "I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella. "I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer. "I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!" "Well, all right, if you want him so bad." The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!" "Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good." |
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Sep 1 2015, 11:44 AM
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#280
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
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