Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 Jul 27 2015, 11:27 AM
Return to original view | Post
#221
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.... P... E... N.... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH** |
Quote|
|
|
|
|
Jul 27 2015, 11:28 AM
Return to original view | Post
#222
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" |
|
|
Jul 27 2015, 11:30 AM
Return to original view | Post
#223
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. "I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend. Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom. "What do you want!", asked the father gruffly. "I want a watch!", said Johnny. "Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father. |
|
|
Jul 27 2015, 11:30 AM
Return to original view | Post
#224
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." |
|
|
Jul 28 2015, 12:17 PM
Return to original view | Post
#225
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem. "I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?" |
|
|
Jul 28 2015, 12:17 PM
Return to original view | Post
#226
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'" |
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 29 2015, 08:35 AM
Return to original view | Post
#227
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook |
|
|
Jul 29 2015, 08:36 AM
Return to original view | Post
#228
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!" |
|
|
Jul 30 2015, 10:08 AM
Return to original view | Post
#229
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. |
|
|
Jul 31 2015, 08:43 AM
Return to original view | Post
#230
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room." The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy." |
|
|
Jul 31 2015, 08:46 AM
Return to original view | Post
#231
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma"  |
|
|
Jul 31 2015, 03:56 PM
Return to original view | Post
#232
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!" |
|
|
Aug 2 2015, 02:57 PM
Return to original view | Post
#233
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room. The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?" "To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 3 2015, 08:47 AM
Return to original view | Post
#234
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall. A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too. They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them. The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow." The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat." He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof." The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog." Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it. The blonde says "Potatoes". And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!" Do you know why the cop didn't catch her? Because he was a blonde too! |
|
|
Aug 3 2015, 08:49 AM
Return to original view | Post
#235
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. |
|
|
Aug 3 2015, 08:51 AM
Return to original view | Post
#236
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!" |
|
|
Aug 3 2015, 08:53 AM
Return to original view | Post
#237
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic." |
|
|
Aug 3 2015, 08:54 AM
Return to original view | Post
#238
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!” |
|
|
Aug 4 2015, 01:09 AM
Return to original view | Post
#239
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." |
|
|
Aug 4 2015, 01:12 AM
Return to original view | Post
#240
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex." "Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away." He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?" "Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead." |
| Change to: |  0.0171sec
 0.71
 6 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 11th December 2025 - 03:05 PM |
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025 IPS, Inc.