Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jun 13 2015, 05:15 PM
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#141
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." |
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Jun 13 2015, 05:18 PM
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#142
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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That Darn Cat A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!" |
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Jun 16 2015, 09:46 AM
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#143
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A Good Day for Ice Fishing
After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.” Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?" His brother replies, "I don't know." So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there." Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?" His brother replies again, "I don't know." Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there." Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?" The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed." |
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Jun 16 2015, 04:32 PM
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#144
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway." |
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Jun 17 2015, 11:28 AM
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#145
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge. |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:45 AM
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#146
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:48 AM
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#147
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Better write it down My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?" "Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma. Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine. You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget. Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma. She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"... |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:51 AM
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#148
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" |
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Jun 26 2015, 09:02 AM
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#149
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Play a Game One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct. Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!" |
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Jun 26 2015, 10:08 AM
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#150
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." |
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Jun 26 2015, 12:43 PM
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#151
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Three drunks hailed a taxi.
The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. "Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!". |
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Jun 27 2015, 06:16 PM
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#152
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used: "As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle." One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major." "You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!" |
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Jun 27 2015, 06:25 PM
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#153
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!” |
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Jun 29 2015, 08:46 AM
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#154
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." |
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Jun 29 2015, 08:48 AM
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#155
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Team Spirit At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." |
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Jun 29 2015, 09:41 AM
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#156
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Doctor, take a look at me......
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!? The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.... |
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Jun 30 2015, 09:30 AM
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#157
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!" |
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Jun 30 2015, 10:13 AM
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#158
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." |
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Jun 30 2015, 01:44 PM
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#159
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" |
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Jul 2 2015, 08:52 AM
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#160
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…" |
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