Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jun 2 2015, 08:34 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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The flower vendor was usually an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" "Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly. "Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat. "Haven't got a girlfriend." "You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!" |
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Jun 3 2015, 08:58 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Skin Graft A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks. |
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Jun 3 2015, 09:00 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Hair Color An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:42 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The almonds A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing." "Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea." While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says. "Not at all, have as many as you like." After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit." Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them." |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:45 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man has a job interview, He is doing very well and has the job in the bag. Then the boss asks him what he thinks is his worst characteristic. He replies "I'm far too honest" The boss says "I don't see that as a fault". "I don't give a fu*k what you think" is the reply. |
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Jun 3 2015, 05:49 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Side Effects
A man is cutting sides of a capsule before taking it. His neighbour saw this and asks him, "Why are you cutting sides of the capsule?". He replied,"To avoid side effects." |
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Jun 4 2015, 09:13 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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When can we see the baby? With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.” Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?” “No, not yet,” replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?” “When it cries!” she told them. "When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?” “Because, I forgot where I put it.” |
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Jun 4 2015, 09:20 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company. Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!" "Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated." "Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!" |
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Jun 4 2015, 10:09 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Women And Golf 2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. "How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." |
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Jun 5 2015, 09:02 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Problem With Gas A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
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Jun 5 2015, 09:04 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Writing letters to son The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad." |
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Jun 5 2015, 09:05 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Need Light
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?" |
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Jun 6 2015, 04:12 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Beer Test
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:30 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Big John
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??" |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:33 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" "In 3 months." I want 5 bucks |
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Jun 7 2015, 06:37 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks." |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:26 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.” |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:28 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?” “I’m waiting.”said Jason “Waiting for what?” asked Larry. “Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.” |
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Jun 8 2015, 09:30 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?" The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as youcan guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up." |
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Jun 9 2015, 08:08 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't". This post has been edited by Aydee: Jun 9 2015, 08:09 AM |
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