Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 May 26 2015, 10:10 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl." Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can." |
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May 26 2015, 02:46 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Math Teacher The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam. "No problem." said the Professor, "Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then." Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, "Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?" |
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May 27 2015, 09:47 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Where were you born? Brunette: - Where were you born? Blonde: - California. Brunette: - Which part? Blonde: - All of me. |
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May 27 2015, 09:51 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." |
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May 27 2015, 09:54 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys" |
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May 28 2015, 10:44 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.
His wife suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I joined a parachute club." "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" "Yeah, look I even got a membership card." "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" "Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!" |
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May 28 2015, 10:46 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" |
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May 28 2015, 10:51 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The Box One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles. |
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May 28 2015, 04:44 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed.
There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your BMW. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not." |
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May 28 2015, 05:10 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!" |
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May 29 2015, 09:27 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Why did the chicken cross the road? (FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road. SENATOR LIEBERMAN I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way. VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself. RALPH NADER Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one? |
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May 29 2015, 04:52 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Divorce Court A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!" |
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May 30 2015, 07:13 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" |
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May 30 2015, 07:19 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" |
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May 31 2015, 07:17 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. T he man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Oh my!!! I thought you said your penis was like a baby!" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" |
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May 31 2015, 07:35 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument. |
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Jun 1 2015, 08:40 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Sandpaper Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him. "Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'. Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it. A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?" |
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Jun 1 2015, 08:41 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Icing A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good." As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?" His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them." The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?" Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help." |
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Jun 1 2015, 04:32 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Play hide and go seek Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!" |
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Jun 1 2015, 06:06 PM
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Junior Member
475 posts Joined: Oct 2014
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QUOTE(Aydee @ Jun 1 2015, 08:40 AM) Sandpaper Nice!Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him. "Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'. Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it. A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"  |
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