Jokes of the day, Compilation
|
|
 May 20 2015, 08:55 AM
|
 
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
|
Harmonica
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night. |
|
|
|
|
|
May 20 2015, 08:57 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!" Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?" His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker." |
|
|
May 20 2015, 08:58 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." |
|
|
May 21 2015, 09:08 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Crossing The Border
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!" |
|
|
May 21 2015, 09:36 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked. "To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" |
|
|
May 21 2015, 12:54 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.' |
|
|
|
|
|
May 22 2015, 08:36 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Lost Rooster The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up. |
|
|
May 22 2015, 03:18 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" |
|
|
May 22 2015, 05:19 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Good Impression An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied... "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!" |
|
|
May 23 2015, 05:48 PM
|
Newbie
7 posts Joined: Sep 2012
|
 |
|
|
May 23 2015, 07:27 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
QUOTE(Sandy Lim @ May 23 2015, 05:48 PM)  |
|
|
May 23 2015, 07:38 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her. The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" |
|
|
May 23 2015, 07:42 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" |
|
|
|
|
|
May 23 2015, 07:45 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!" |
|
|
May 24 2015, 07:21 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Free meat It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!" |
|
|
May 24 2015, 10:05 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." |
|
|
May 24 2015, 10:06 PM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
You will spend eternity here... The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!" |
|
|
May 25 2015, 08:29 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Animal Pictures One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard." |
|
|
May 25 2015, 08:35 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them." |
|
|
May 26 2015, 10:02 AM
|
|
Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
|
Buy Machine Factory An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?" |
| Change to: |  0.0221sec
 0.20
 5 queries
 GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 6th December 2025 - 02:48 AM |
Quote