Jokes of the day, Compilation
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 Jun 9 2015, 08:10 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire 
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One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." |
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Jun 9 2015, 04:56 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife.
If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received an email: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..." |
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Jun 10 2015, 08:57 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” |
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Jun 10 2015, 08:58 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Martini A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives." |
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Jun 10 2015, 09:02 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Dad, What is sex? An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks. The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." |
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Jun 11 2015, 10:00 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Black and White Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" |
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Jun 11 2015, 11:25 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:40 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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One spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word... "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!" |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:43 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" |
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Jun 12 2015, 09:44 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" |
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Jun 12 2015, 10:59 AM
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Senior Member
4,858 posts Joined: Jun 2006 From: Tawau, Sabah  
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QUOTE(Aydee @ Jun 12 2015, 09:44 AM) It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. ouchhhhh~ After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"   |
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Jun 13 2015, 05:15 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." |
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Jun 13 2015, 05:18 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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That Darn Cat A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!" |
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Jun 16 2015, 09:46 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A Good Day for Ice Fishing
After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.” Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?" His brother replies, "I don't know." So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there." Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?" His brother replies again, "I don't know." Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there." Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?" The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed." |
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Jun 16 2015, 04:32 PM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway." |
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Jun 17 2015, 11:28 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge. |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:45 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:48 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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Better write it down My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?" "Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma. Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine. You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget. Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma. She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"... |
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Jun 18 2015, 08:51 AM
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Senior Member
735 posts Joined: Apr 2009 From: Malayshire
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" |
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Jun 18 2015, 10:19 AM
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Newbie
7 posts Joined: Sep 2012
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It made my day
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