A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How'd you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that's being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog's balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.

The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck."

"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

This post has been edited by |ce_cube: Aug 7 2008, 10:59 AM

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You've got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife's ass, and ask, 'How 'bout a little?' and she pretends to be asleep."

hahaha... thnx 4 postin... plz post more..

On da way.. have to look for more genuine jokes and hope its not a repost.

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, "I want someone to say I was a wonderful father."
The second man said, "I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever."

The last man said, "I want someone to say, 'He's moving, he's moving!'"

HAHAHA ... nice one

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck."

A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."

Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?"

Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk's glass.

"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.

"Yeah," says the drunk, "but what year?"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

i think this is a repost.. but if anyone of you haven't read it then enjoy lor.. hehee


A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

don't care it repost or not keep it coming .... ^^

hahhaha.. alright then.. more to come.. some quite new.. hehehe.
here is one of it..

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. " Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right - but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view mirror."

Haha.. funny stuff.. keep it up~

thanks.. but [E]velyn.. ur postings also not bad what.. hheh

A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and-"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doctor says. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

"Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute." The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. "You know," the dad says, "my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat." He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. "Yup, yup," the dad continues. "She loves that screwing. Just can't get enough of it."

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. "Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist!"

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow***."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local pub. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver_sq__sq_s seat.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...

A waiter asks a patron, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

hahaha!!! no "kitty kat" for the father.. lol!!

haha, no p*ssy for daddy tonight

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

AGRICULTURE DEGREE

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.
Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.

Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pus*ywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

On Farts


A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud.

A fart might not smell
While others are vile
A fart may pass quickly
Or linger awhile.

A fart may be steamy
Or come with a leak
The more you suppress 'em
The more they will "speak."

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

>From wide-open prairies
To small elevators
A fart will find al of us
Sooner or later.

Not all farts are bad
This is simply not true
We mustn't forget
Dear sweet, old farts like you!

.... ..... .... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ...... ..... ...... ...... ...... ......

UNTIRING LOVE

This is a true story that happened in Japan.

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tore open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet. He saw this, felt pity, and at the same time he was curious. When he checked the nail, turns out, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.

What happened?

The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it had been doing, and what and how it has been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.

Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply. Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...

Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened with this tiny creature...

What can love do?

It can do wonders!

Love can do miracles!

Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one
untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.

If a small creature like a lizard can love like this... just imagine how we can love if we try.

the story is touching but why put it in jokes heaven?

don get this. wad's a twist? pepsi twist?

omg.. it's a kind of dance.. ..

regarding the lizard story, lizard can live up to 10 years meh?

Well i found it on a joke site.. well its kinda touching as well.. since got ppl read this post. ma post it here lor.. not my love story ma.. how to post in cupid's corner wor.. hehehe..

Well carlsuen... not sure about the lizard though. but there's info here.

http://www.amonline.net.au/herpetology/faq/reptiles.htm#span

it claims that bigger lizards is likely to live a few decades.. it contains lots of info on lizards.

don don .. yeah .. twist is a kinda song and a dance.. from chubby checker.. ..

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

THE BELLS

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

THE BELLS

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!". The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared what... I wearing condom!!!"

PAY YOUR BILLS!!!!!


Edward the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Pat, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Pat the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Edward the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Edward the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme!

The next day, Pat the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Pat the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Edward the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer. Pat the Physician then slipped Edward the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Edward worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Edward the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Edward the Dragon Slayer found Pat the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Edward the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Pat the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Pat the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost

The Twist is a kind of dance during the Rock 'n Roll 1950s. Ask your parents, they might know.

omg.. worth it huh?

lolololol

ROFLMAO
Thanks for the many laughs man...u deserve a medal

wah got such medal one ar. hhehe..

Good to see everyone enjoying the jokes.

excellent excellent jokes....

thanks

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.


* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"

"Jewellery, dear."

How quick r you??

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.....

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid b**** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting
by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did
as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then, she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !"

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked." And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?"
He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at her funeral".

]

Young footballer in training!!

6 MINUTES LATE

There was a man named Thomas who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked Thomas to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. Thomas replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning Thomas was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around, and Thomas says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with Thomas always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "Thomas, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

Thomas replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

Thomas replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late."

WOMEN....WOMEN.....AND WIVES

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Something About Wives"


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
;Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost
impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
----------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

TO THOSE WHO ARE THINKING OF GOING TO A NURSING HOME


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello.

We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5 They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS - And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

T-DAY

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

WINK WINK

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

A koala is sitting on a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala: "Hey! what are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and
is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter
with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is
sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and yells out:

"Hey you!" The koala looks down and says ... "Faaaaarrrrk dude ... how
much water did you drink?!"

omg!@!!!!! hahahahah!!!! farrrrk dude!!! where di u get all these jokes?!?! they're freaking hilarious!! i think u should be labeled elite on the jokes forum man!!

u got my vote!!

2 thumbs up keep it flowing man

hahahhaahhah how much water you've drink

hahaha.. thanks.. well is there such label ka?? hehehe..


Will do.. but need to have some time la.. not easy to find jokes that is not repost man..

hahaha.. he thinks the lizard drank too much and became as big as the croc. hahaha

this might be a repost .. not sure.. anyway enjoy..

NEVER LIE TO YOUNG GIRLS

There was a man lying in the nude and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Robert was talking to his friend Thomas about his love life.

'So, Thomas, how's it going with the girls?'

'Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.'

'Really?'

'Yes,' Thomas shook his head, 'Whenever I mention sex, they object.'

An old lady went to a sex shop to look for some vibrators. Despite the assortment of the product there, she still couldn't make up her mind. Then, she saw something she might like and asked the shop assistant, "May I have a look at that red and white one on the shelf?"

The shop assistant said, "No, you may not, that's my thermos flask!"

ARE YOU MY SON?

A young punk gets on the KL city bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright FEATHERS.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten minutes.

Finally the punk gets self-conscious and spits at the old man: "What are you staring at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy, I got real drunk in KL and screwed a PARROT. I thought maybe you were my son."

dude u rock!

Thanks bro.. nothing beats entertaining ppl here.. heheh

i'm sure alot of ppl have a good laugh .. well i only select jokes that i laugh.. those i don't i just pass.

This post has been edited by |ce_cube: Nov 6 2006, 05:21 PM

Last night, an incident took place at JB Jetty.

What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Straits of Johor. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Malaysians, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim!

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered!

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

Hope you haven't heard this one, TJS:

An old Indian man was booked into an MAS flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the man declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the man began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food.

"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The man picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the man took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the man proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the old man.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied cooly, "That's Air India!"

Back when Vietnam was still separated as North and South, the president of South Vietnam then was President Thieu.

As he was getting a lot of unfavorable treatment from his own country's news agencies, he invited Tara Singh, a journalist from Malaysia to brief him about the setup of 'Bernama'.

After Tara Singh had briefed the President about 'Bernama', the President was impressed. He declared that it was time for him to set up his own 'Bernama' to counter all the criticisms he has been receiving lately. Tara Singh politely said, "But Mr. President, the name 'Bernama' is already used by Malaysia... maybe if you chose another name."

"Of course, you're right! I shall name it after myself then. It will be known as 'Thieunama', said the President. Tara Singh nearly choked on that! "Ahh, Mr President, that may not be the best name. To the Cantonese speaking people, that name is a four-letter word concerning mothers" said Tara.

The President was touched by the journalist's sincerity, "Thank you for being so honest with me. You deserve recognition for that. Why don't we give the news agency a name formed from our names?

How about 'ThieunaSingh?'"

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

Curiosity killed the cat.

The Perfect Password:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now
need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and
will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made
it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

hahahahahahahah!!! omg!! so damn funnay!!!

not logn enough!! wuahahahahaha!!!! ROFLMFAO!! lol!!

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

ENGLISH SIGNS IN ASIA:

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In another Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Again, in another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

At a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive sideways

Name of small guest house in mountains of northern Pakistan:
'Sea View Hotel'

On a menu in a Hong Kong restaurant:
Spanish omelet (tomatoes, mushrooms, onion) Omelets surprise (two parsons)

On CD cover of local artists singing various western songs, name of well-known Roberta Flack song:
'Tonight I calibrate my love for you'

HUSBANDS NEVER LEARN

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, the man says, "It's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

Well. The man replies, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that."

hahahah!!! his wide pwned him!!! wuahahahah!! if i ever tell anyone their ass looked like that, i wouldn't be surprised if i ended up like him...


buahahahahahah!!!!

HAhaha.. yeah lor. the wife thinks he's teasing that her ass looks like that where in fact he's actually telling her that the golf ball is stuck in the cow's ass

Here are some shivers and pleasure, would advise some old coots don't do it.

A Sweet Young Thing got married to a rich old man and during the wedding night, the old man kicked the bucket while making love due to extreme pleasure and shivers. The SYT called the mother who rushed over, hugging her mother, she sobbed and sobbed and said to her mother. "Why must God called him at that moment?" The mother tried to console her and said. "Don't be sad, think of the fortune you are going to get, by the way what were his last words that he said to you?" Thinking for a while and in between sobs, the SYT said."He said OH MY GOD I AM COMING".

did the SYT kill him? or did the old fart died of heart attack? didn't really get it man..

He died of heart attack la..

A Guy was beaten publicly in a bus. why?? read on



I was in crowded bus

and my foto fell from wallet

So I asked lady in front...

Madam,please lift sari

I want to take foto

HOW TO DEAL WITH SNORING BED PARTNERS

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"I've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never felt better." The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

hahaha.. i ROFLMAO also hahaha