Special Rubber

One day, Billy walks into his grandson's (Henry) room and found him playing with a condom. Billy not knowing what a condom is, asked his grandson with curiosity, "Henry, what's that u are holding?"

Henry knew he is too young for this kind of stuff so he lie to his granpa saying that "It is a special rubber called CONDOM that helps to protect ur ciggarette from getting wet when u smoke under the rain."

Billy who is an occasional smoker, got interested at it so he asked Henry where to get one of those. "Its easy granpa, any pharmacy has got them."

One day, while Billy is walking home, he came across a pharmacy and decided to drop by and get a CONDOM incase he needs to smoke under the rain. The shopkeeper of the pharmacy is a hot looking young chick named Cindy.

As Billy is first time buying a condom, he dont know where it locates. So, he looks puzzled. Cindy then come to Billy to give him some help.

Cindy: "How may i help u sir?"
Billy : "Hmm... Do u sell something called CONDOM?"
Cindy: "Umm... yes sir? What size do u need?"
Billy : "It comes in different sizes?"
Cindy : "Yes. So sir, what size do u need?"
Billy : " Can u get me one that fits a CAMEL?"
Cindy "..."

This may be lame, but i find it funny

Mary and James are married and they have a young child named Tony. Tony is only 5 years old and dont know much things.

One day, Mary and James got some conflicts between themselves and they start shouting BAD WORDs while they quarrel. The young and curious Tony heard those BAD WORDs and wanted to know more. So, Tony asked his father about the meaning of the WORDs he heard.

Tony : "Daddy daddy, what does F*CKING means?"
***James dont want Tony to learn those BAD WORDs so he lied to him***
Daddy : " Ummm... F*CKING means cooking"
Tony : "Okay daddy, i learned a new word today. What about S*CKING? What is it?"
Daddy : " Ummm... S*CKING is.... umm... trying something. "
Tony : "Thanks dad. How about NIPPLES and d***?"
Daddy : "Well, NIPPLES are cookies and d*** is hat"

The following day, while Mary is busy in the kitchen and James is over the neighbour's house, Tony's grandparents pay the family a visit. Tony aswered the door bell and welcomed his grandparents.

Tony : "Hi granpa, granma, nice to see u here."
Grandparents : "Where's daddy and mummy?"
Tony : "Oh... mummy is busy F*CKING in the kitchen while daddy is S*CKING aunty Sarah's NIPPLES at her place."
***Grandparents got stuned***
***Tony saw the HAT of his granpa and he likes it***
Tony : "Granpa, can i take a look at your d***?. I think its so nice"





MORAL : NEVER EVER lie to kids. U'll never know what happen next.

This simple joke suddenly struck me.

Girl : "What do u think of me? Pretty or Ugly?"
Boy : "I think u are a bit of both"
Girl : "What do u mean by that?"
Boy : "I think u are pretty ugly."

3 guys met in an international conference. An Indonesia guy, China man and a Japanese. All of them are trying to show off the technologies they have in their country.

So firstly, the Indon guy start to show off. ***He took out his phone from his pocket***

Indon guy : "U guys know or not? My country now got these phones with color onw already. No more black & white screen."

Both China man and Japanese look at him and
Then its China man's turn. ***He took out his phone too***

China man : "Ohh.. like tat only hia... U haven seen mine. My one can take picture, touch screen some more. Beat that, haha"

The Indon guy feels while the Japanese
Now its time for Japanese to show off. ***He took out his phone***

Japanese : "Aiyo, got a little bit technology want to show off? U guys havent seen the BIG BOSS." "This is the BOMB, u can take photo and video with this, night mode also got. Can online to check mail, chat in MSN and browse the web. Wacth TV also can."

Both Indon guy and China man felt ashamed of themselves and they keep quiet after that.

But suddenly, the Indon guy give out a strong fart. ***phhuuuuttttt***

Both China man and Japanese look at him. And thay ask him what sound is that?

The Indon guy just lie and say "Ohhh... that's no big deal. I just send a MMS"

Both Japanese and China man

i think u posted this one already.

Guys, feel free to give comments. Funny? Lame? Not a joke at all?

All those jokes are done by free typing by me.
(may be u read them somewhere already or not funny to u)

So, i might have some grammar or spelling mistakes.
The jokes may also be different from the original ones.
Hope u guys enjoy them.

When i recall more, i'll post more.

Comments please.

Here's one (might be lame).
Title : "Oh... Don't worry..."

A French,a Bangla and a Malaysian are on their way sailing to Singapore. In the small boat they sail on, there are Herbs and Spices, Cheese and some of their own items. These 3 guys are hoping to do some business. Most goods in the boat are for business purpose.

On the journey, the boat hit a rock and cracked. Water keeps coming into the boat. They tried their best to scoop the water out of the boat but more they are not fast enough to keep up. So, all of them went panic and started to think of what to do.

One of them came out with an idea of lighten up the boat, so it wont sink that fast. The others agreed to it and they start throwing things from their ship. First, they throw all their own belongings and useless stuffs. But its still not enough, the boat keeps on sinking.

The Bangla suggest that they throw away the Herbs and Spices as well. The French and Malaysian are surprised as they look at what the Bangla is doing, so they ask him why. The Bangla answered "Ohh... Don't worry, there's plenty of them in my country." Hence, they start to throw away those Herbs and Spices.

Water keeps flowing rapidly into the boat, they have to think of what to do next. The French start to throw away the only thing that's left in the boat, those cheese. Both Malaysian and the Bangla ask for reason why he did that. The French said "Ohh... Don't worry, there's plenty of cheese in my country. So, no problem getting them again."

The boat is now empty with 3 person on it, but its still a little over-weight. They need to lighten it up a bit more...

Without second thought, the Malaysian kicks the Bangla out of the boat. The French got very surprised and asked why. The Malaysian then reply "Ohh... Don't worry... My country got a lot of those Banglas, get rid of one is no big deal. U can find them all over."

French "..."

This post has been edited by GreatONE: Dec 29 2006, 08:37 AM

Here are more jokes.
These are from my mails.
Enjoy them

The First Malaysian in Space

Mahathir finally sends a Malaysian into space courtesy of the Russians. Finally, after months of training, the Malaysian astronaut and a chimpanzee are blasted off into space.

Once in orbit, the Malaysian waits for instructions. The screen flickers and the instrucions are flashed on it:

"Chimpanzee, execute space manuever No. 23B"

The chimp takes over flight control and carries out the manuever. The Malaysian astronaut is impressed but patient... he knows his instructions will come and they'll probably be more complex than what the chimp just did.

The screen flickers again and more instructions appear:

"Chimpanzee, carry out scientific experiment No. 234"

The chimp goes to the lab and mixes chemicals and carries out all sorts of complex scientific experiments. While he's doing this, the Malaysian astronaut is impatient. He speaks to Ground Control tru the comm link: "Eh Control, how come I got nothing to do man... train for so long but the monyet does all the important work but I'm smarter than the monyet"

Finally Ground Control responds: "Be patient, your instructions are coming soon"

Finally, the monkey rejoins the Malaysian astronaut and they wait for the instructions from the screen.

THe screen flickers and the message appears....

"Prepare for new instructions...."

A small door under the screen opens. Inside, there is a compartment with a wrapped item inside.....

"Malaysian astronaut, remove the item and unwrap then wait for further instructions"

The Malaysian astronaut unwraps the item and finds a banana inside. "Must be biogenetic banana" he thinks...

The screen flickers again....

"Malaysian astronaut, please feed the monkey"

This post has been edited by GreatONE: Dec 29 2006, 09:43 AM

Malaysian in Space

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."


So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."

Sun Exploration

Four delegates from China, Russia, the United States and Malaysia attended the United Nations' Meeting. All the nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2000. Here are some of the conversations:

China Delegate: 'By the year 2000, China will start their moon exploration project. '

Russian Delegate: ' We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon.'

Bill Clinton: ' We the United States will also explore the moon for second time.'

Malaysian Delegate: 'By the year 2000, Malaysia will explore the sun.'

There was a long silence, Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysia Delegate: ' Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?'

Malaysian Delegate (smiling): 'I had this thought out already. We will do it in the evening.'






Philosophy

Singapore and Malaysia have a different philosophies of life. This becomes apparent when we compare the two countries' Rules of Simple Living.

Singapore:
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary

And indeed, that is why 'Singapore is solid'!

Malaysia? Well, Malaysia's Rules of Simple Living are the
following:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House...

This is a GOOD one. ENJOY IT

One Of A Kind

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.

On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, 'Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet. ' Mahathir asked, 'Yes, but how do you know that they are able?' PM Goh replied, Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. They don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.'

Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, 'Hey Tony, come over here.' Tony obediently walked briskly over. PM Goh asked, 'Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?'

Tony Tan immediately replied, 'Me! Of course.' PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, 'See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try.' Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him, 'Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's son ?' Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer

After a while, he recovered and said, 'Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow.' Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help.

Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer. When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, 'Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?' Clinton, very busy, replied, 'Alright, but it better be good!' Anwar quickly asked, Tell me, who is your father's son ?'

Clinton was fuming, 'Of course its me, you stupid!' and he slammed the phone down

Satisfied that he got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said, 'Boss, I've got the answer to your question.'

Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, 'So tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar?' Anwar confidently replied, 'It''s BILL CLINTON!'

Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, No you stupid! It's TONY TAN!'

hmm.. i personally dont get the main point.
If any of u can understand, please share it.

Proton Cars

Dr M were meeting the other Asean leaders in KL. As the Proton (Wira and Perdana) sales were not going too well, he took the opportunity to do some hard sell to these guys.

Dr M: 'President Suharto, how many Protons will you be able to buy?' Suh.: '2000 is not a problem.'

Dr M (very happy): 'Thanks. President Ramos, how about you?'

Ramos: 'Deliver 5000 to Philipines next week.'

Dr M: 'Thanks for the support.'

Sultan Bolkiah (determined not to be outdone): 'Brunei roads can well afford another 10,000 Protons. Send them over next month.'

Dr M by now is very pleased that his hard sell is doing so well. Finally he turned to Goh Chok Tong.

Dr M: 'Mr Goh, how about you?'

Goh: 'I will take 500 cars, but with the special condition that they be painted in pink.'

Dr M: 'That is not a problem. But I wonder, why choose pink when we have so many other nice colours?'

Goh: 'That's because I have to find 500 suckers.'

Say Cheese

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.

'Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst in bed with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. 'Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

Ah,' says the coroner. 'This is the most unusual one. Dr. Mahathir, 75, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies, 'He thought he was having his picture taken.'




Miracle Failure

After he put Anwar in jail, Mahathir received a lot of criticism from different sources. Everything he did was sure to get the journalists and diplomats screaming at him about corruption and cronyism etc. Finally, he was so fed up that he called all the journalists and diplomats to Johor Bahru.

Now, for all of you, I'm going to do something which you all cannot complain about.' and he magically stepped onto the waters of the straits of johore and walked the full 1 km to the other side without falling into the water. The onlookers were amazed and Mahathir was sure he'd get some compliments in the news tomorrow.

The next day, Mahathir was shocked to find in newspapers across the planet

The Sun 'Mahathir Can't Swim'

The New York Times 'Mahathir crosses borders without going through immigration'

The Straits Times 'Mahathir uses propaganda to curry favour!

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An angry china man entered a shop and shouted :
Where's my free gift with this cooking oil?
Shopkeeper : What free gift??
China man : Oi, here got put "Cholesterol FREE!"

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing;
Either the car is new or the wife.

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America has cowboy and cowgirl,
England has madcow,
Hong Kong has Macau,
Russia has Moscow,
S'pore has 2 famous cows-
'Cow-peh and cow-bo'

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If u need ADVICE, SMS ME,
If u need DARLING, CALL ME,
If u need HELP, E-MAIL ME,
IF U NEED MONEY...

think...

what can u do?

think harder...
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still cant think of the answer?
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Sorry, nombor yang anda dail, tiada dalam perkhidmatan kami, Terima Kasih.

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Enjoy them

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There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

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Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

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3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

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3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
"Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint."
"I'm Paul not a POPE."
"I'm John not a Baptist..."
The girl replied.. "Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN."

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Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

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Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupatio as CHICKEN FARMER.

She replied: "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!"

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Yesterday's News : A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.

Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

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This post has been edited by GreatONE: Dec 31 2006, 04:10 PM

Why Malaysians must learn how to speak English

One day, Mat Salleh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, The lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").

The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have
to "see the c.o.c.k" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his c.o.c.k and showed it to her.

The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),but the Mat Salleh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.

The Mat Salleh thought that she wanted to have s.e.x with him, so he strip.ped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Mat Salleh thought it was "S.U.C.K IT! S.U.C.K
IT!" He said "OK! I will s.u.c.k it for you" and took both breasts and s.u.c.k.

The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Mat Salleh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The mat Salleh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."

i found this very funny.

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius ..................

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! blain, use your blainnn ..........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!

Made in Japan. GOOD GOOD!!

A Japanese is on his way to KLIA in a taxi. The taxi driver is of some age and he's very patient and he wont so over the speed limit. The Japanese wont want to miss his flight keep on asking the driver to speed up. As the taxi is just an Iswara, going at 110 KM/H is considerably "fast" enough for an old man.

When a Honda overtake the taxi, the Japanese pointed at it and says "see see? HONDA, Made in Japan, can drive fast, GOOD GOOD". The taxi driver dont care much about him and he continue with his speed.

After a while, a Toyota overtake the taxi. Once again, the Japanese says "look, a Toyota, Made in Japan too, can go fast. GOOD GOOD". The taxi driver got a bit pissed but he's still very calm. He continue with his current speed.

Not long after that, a Nissan spped pass the taxi. The Japanese pointed at the car and says "Wow! another car Made in Japan, can go fast. GOOD GOOD" The taxi driver focuses on his driving as the Japanese keeps on telling how GOOD his Made in Japan's cars are.

Once they reached the airport, the taxi driver asked RM 200 from the Japanese. The Japanese was shocked at the price he charged him. So, he asked the taxi driver why he charged him so expensive. The taxi driver pointed at the Meter and smile to the Japanese. The Japanese is confused and asked the driver "what's wrong? are u telling me there's something wrong with the meter?"

The taxi driver then reply him "No no, nothing's wrong. Everything is OK. Look at the meter, Made in Japan. GOOD GOOD ! !" ***smiles on the driver's face***
Japanese (do i need to say more? )



This post has been edited by GreatONE: Dec 29 2006, 02:08 PM

i edited my post.
sorry for inconvinient.