Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

Bump Topic Add Reply RSS Feed

Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+

 Hand Me Down!, updated 07/08/2008 on page 16 at 10.58

views
     
marquis
post Nov 11 2006, 05:28 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(|ce_cube @ Nov 7 2006, 04:58 PM)
HOW TO DEAL WITH SNORING BED PARTNERS

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"I've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never felt better." The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
*
LOL! Good one man! laugh.gif

Hey I'll post some of what I've found. I actually posted them here before, but I think it's somewhere else already laugh.gif It's better to have them in your thread coz you seem to update often enough (I on the other hand, am too damn lazy for that tongue.gif)

So yeah, let's share the laughs man!
marquis
post Nov 11 2006, 05:33 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
Found my old post. Trasnfering laughs here laugh.gif

QUOTE
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."


QUOTE
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


QUOTE
The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fcking potatoes"


QUOTE
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"


QUOTE
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
marquis
post Nov 11 2006, 05:34 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to

consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After

the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously

offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd

like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the

back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way

towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out

three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in

the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."


QUOTE
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by

the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever

did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity

in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir,

please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I

thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate." The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he

remarked, "No Shit!"


QUOTE
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing,

decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so

high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter

it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

'PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS'

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper

read: 'PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT' The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: 'BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give

it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: 'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN' The Bishop

fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

Next day the headline read: 'NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it

could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: 'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'. The

Bishop was buried the next day.


QUOTE
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was

too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,'

thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for

assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that

ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that.

There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're

looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "


QUOTE
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to

them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The

first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely

correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it

turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said

"No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I

definitely shit my pants."


QUOTE
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to

get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies,

"I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is

straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the

little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
marquis
post Nov 11 2006, 05:35 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes

through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I

have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner

Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.  So he does, "I said I'm 6 -

9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a

minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."


QUOTE
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple

months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."


QUOTE
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first

hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about

200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who

was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit

her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog

bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your

dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."


QUOTE
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of

it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following

inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went

to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They

simply wrote: "Returned unopened."


QUOTE
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at

himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out

and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper

tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to

give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been

terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running

outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his

actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around

not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all

the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and

wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who


QUOTE
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never

driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the

roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and

accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper

approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How

do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more

important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."


edit: The final one!

QUOTE
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know

what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw

them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and

I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all

of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
This post has been edited by marquis: Nov 11 2006, 05:37 PM
marquis
post Nov 13 2006, 07:01 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(|ce_cube @ Nov 13 2006, 03:28 PM)
I think alot of ppl read this already.. still quite good. hehehee rclxms.gif

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep condoms in your car!
*
This one is classic man! Cracks me up everytime I read it laugh.gif
marquis
post Nov 22 2006, 11:47 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(|ce_cube @ Nov 22 2006, 04:16 PM)
HAhaha.. purposely spelled it wrong so that someone can point it out.. hmm now i realise that ppl does pay attention to my postings hehehe
*
With the shit good jokes you bring in, you betcha man!
marquis
post Nov 23 2006, 12:19 AM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(Acey @ Nov 23 2006, 12:15 AM)
^ i dont get a single shit you typed.  Betcha dont too.
*
Eh? I meant he brings in good jokes sweat.gif

What century you from m'lord? laugh.gif
marquis
post Nov 28 2006, 11:33 AM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(theodore_kh @ Nov 28 2006, 11:06 AM)
It's an what?


Venison?
*
sweat.gif

It's an a55hole laugh.gif
marquis
post Dec 8 2006, 03:14 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(|ce_cube @ Dec 8 2006, 11:11 AM)
Bad Girls vs Good Girls 

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
*
laugh.gif

Don't....Stop...

Hahahhahahahahha brows.gif
marquis
post Dec 8 2006, 04:50 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(chibi_tenko @ Nov 28 2006, 07:55 PM)
I don't know if this has been posted in here before, but here goes. All of the diary entries are pretty long, that's why I put it in spoiler tags. Open all or select the ones you're interested in. ^^

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS SON OF WEENUS

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

The Secret Diary of Sauron

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

*
Got it from another thread here. But since I figured icecube wld update this often enough, I'd put it here. Good jokes shld be shared!

biggrin.gif
marquis
post Dec 30 2006, 03:04 AM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(GreatONE @ Dec 29 2006, 10:20 AM)
laugh.gif  Enjoy them  laugh.gif

Why do Indians talk non stop?

Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

laugh.gif  laugh.gif  laugh.gif
*
Hey, mind to change this particular one? It's rather offensive lah.
marquis
post Dec 30 2006, 10:23 PM

Flower Power!
*******
Senior Member
2,479 posts

Joined: Jul 2005
QUOTE(redeye84 @ Dec 30 2006, 04:32 AM)
Its just a joke ok.. Dont take it personally.
*
I know it's a joke. Lol. I'm not even an indian. But I think it's rather offensive ler. Not nice mah. We live in a multiracial country, so must respect other ppl's religion and customs mah...
« Next Oldest · Jokes Heaven · Next Newest »
 

Add ReplyOptions
 

Change to:
| Lo-Fi Version
 0.0210sec    0.78    6 queries    GZIP Disabled
Time is now: 16th December 2025 - 01:42 PM
All Rights Reserved © 2002- 2025 Vijandren Ramadass (~unite against racism~)
Removal Request
Powered by Invision Power Board © 2025  IPS, Inc.