I always hated weddings because old people come over and poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I don't see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

I met these beautiful Thai girls in a club last night. Although they have very thick make-up, We really hit it off and eventually I plucked up the courage to asked them back to my place. Things were going really well but when they started stripping I had the shock of my life.

They had vaginas.

I'm lately on a roll with female as sex object.


I ask for sex, they object.

"Your cock is so small, I can't even feel it," my wife shouted at me during one of our rare sexual encounters.

"Well, it's exactly the same size that it was when I married you," I replied. "You must've grown out of it."

There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.

It's being reported that Muammar Gaddafi has surrounded himself by an elite core of 40 female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins.

In a related story, Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.

"I didn't sleep at all last night - our new next-door neighbours make so much noise when having sex", my wife complained.

She added, "I think it is extremely anti-social and rude, especially as we never disturb them."

I responded - "Trust me love, you don't need to tell me, that we never disturb them."

A wife asked her husband how he could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

The husband told her, "I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too."

She was happy with this analogy - Of course he didn't mentioned that occasionally he would went out to the red light district for some rental.

Tom was texting this girl he met on the internet

Tom then text her saying 'Get naked. Now.'

She wrote 'How do you know I'm not already...?'

Tom replied 'Binoculars.'

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Apr 1 2011, 01:54 PM

I'm so awesome, I have lots of friends and I'm popular with girls!!


... Just kidding, April Fools!


Sigh...

Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a deodorant.

"You want the ball type?" the assistant asks,

"No, just the underarm stuff will be fine."

"Emergency, which service?"

"Water board please. I've been cut off. I need water urgently."

"Sir, the 999 service is for genuine emergencies."

"Yeah, but my house is on fire."

MY girlfriend went for a job interview yesterday, the interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?"

"Mirror... duh!"

My mate was pretty down today. He have an accident, and his girlfiend was leaving him because he couldn't maintain an erection because of it.

I don't think I made things any better by saying

'Sorry mate, it must be hard'

I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye.

Feeling sympathetic, I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously has trouble listening.

My girlfriend said that she wanted to start trying for baby recently.
I agreed, then went straight down the doctors and asked for a vasectomy.

I figured I had at least three or four years of a guaranteed f*ck every night, before she started becoming suspicious.

After winning my latest tournament, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the television.

Apparently it's unacceptable in ten pin bowling.

What is the most sensitive part of a man's body when masturbating?
His ears - Just to hear if anyone is coming.

As Peter could hear some moaning and groaning from next door through the wall, so he thought he'd take advantage and have a crafty wank.

As the moans turned into grunts, he said, "That's it, keep going. I'm nearly there..."

"F*ck off d1ckhead, I'm trying to have a shit", said a voice from the next cubicle.