Why don't African children hang up stockings for Santa Claus?

They don't believe in fat people.

My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive.

I've just got one question though:

At what age do they stop being black?

Wiki leaks has just released an amazing new classified document! It turns out that 9/11 was in fact not an al qaieda plot, but actually an experiment by an airline.....

women pilots and navigators.

I had an argument with my girlfriend the other day, and she told me to look at things from her point of view.

She then got angry with me for looking out the kitchen window.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"
Girl: "How do you play that?"
Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'Red light!' when you want me to stop."
Girl: "Okay, let's play."
After a few seconds...
Girl: "Red light!"
Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My a$shole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

I am fed up of seeing everyone insult Asians over their "slitty eyes."

The fact that they all have pixellated genitals is much more amusing to me.

I took a girl back to my flat for sex last night.

She said, "I'm going to keep my bra on because my tits are tiny."

I said, "Okay, I'll keep my boxers on then."

BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child.

Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

My wife went mental when she found a sex tape of me with a young, fit girl.


Her mood didn't really improve when I pointed out the tape was of her from ten years ago before she had kids.

My daughter came home and said to me, "Dad, I think I'm a lesbian."

I looked at her, sighed a little, took her in my arms and said

"I understand. You're old enough to know your own sexuality, so do what you feel's the right thing to do. Follow your heart." I gently kissed her and she hugged me in return.

The following day, my son came up to me and said, "Dad, I think I'm g...."

I didn't hear anything else as I was too busy kicking the sh*t out of the f*cking bender.

The wife was cleaning her teeth in the bathroom earlier, and as she looked up I caught her eye in the reflection, gave her a wink, and shoved myself into her.

Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre.

I asked my wife, "Have you ever done something you're not proud of?"
My wife said, "You?"
I said, "No, I asked you first."
My wife said, "No, I meant you."

B*tch!

I got my c0ck pierced today for my girlfriend.

My wife did it with a hammer and nail.

I was really embarrassed when my mother showed my new girlfriend all my teddy bears from when I was a kid.

Especially the ones I cut a hole in the arse.

My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.

What a bunch of idiots.

I'm gay because I like c0ck.

Me: Can I have a shag?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a shag?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.

BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce.

God bless Alzheimers

My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month!

Well you know what they say....Elephants never forget