Mens beware

Sky news: ' Hidden iPhone file tracks users every move'

Like they don't tell you on Facebook every five f*cking minutes anyway.

Doctor: You have 1 year to live.

Frank:...What should I do?

Doc: Get married.

Frank: What...?

Doc: Trust me, in 4 months you will be happy to die.

It's great that the supermarkets are doing 'Buy One Get One Free' on Easter eggs now.

It's brilliant, because if you're in a relationship, you can get one each for you and your partner

and if you're a single woman, you can have both and try to eat away the loneliness.

I always make sure I turned off the electricity before I head home from work. Still, I got fired.

Being a hospital doctor is so hard

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

Watching the Royal Wedding, Prince William looks so handsome in his uniform, Prince Charles must be so proud.

Prince Harrys uniform also looks impeccable. James Hewitt must be proud too.

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.




but then again,
President Clinton tried and failed.
President Bush tried and failed.
President Obama tried and succeeded.

The moral of this is...
If you want someone dead, hire a black man.

Boy:*kneels down on one knee*

girl:w-what are y-you doing *blushes like crazy*

boy:*looks up and smiles* I've been wanting to do this for a long time

girl:*blushes more*

boy:*ties shoe*

Dreams of a man

1.Be as handsome as his mother thinks.
2.Have as much money as his son thinks.
3.Have as many women as his wife thinks

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance ...


The 5 stages of buying petrol

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: May 16 2011, 09:00 PM

Clark met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to f*ck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.

She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when they finally got to his small mini studio home.

It was deep into injury time. I managed to get in the way of a Lampard pass and the ball bounced to Giggs. He gave it to Nani, who crossed it in for Rooney to volley home the winning goal. The emotion took over me. I stripped off my shirt, ran towards the crowd and dived in to celebrate with the fans.

As I crawled back out and put my shirt back on, I knew I'd be in trouble.

I'd forgotten to blow my whistle.

Apparently around 200 women are raped everyday in the UK.

The rest are just raped occasionally.

Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

I'm about to download the Imogen Thomas sex tape. It might take a while though...

It's 11 Gigs.

My wife says I talk in my sleep.

Bollocks. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

The sexy policewoman interrogating me asked, "How many rapes have you committed?"

I said, "Eight or nine."

"Which is it?" she asked.

"It depends on how soon you can get back-up."

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness,
saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: May 27 2011, 10:46 AM

I pulled a gal in from a bar recently.

As we were just about to have sex, she pulled a condom out of her purse and said, "Put this on."

I playfully smiled at her and said, "You put it on."

She said, "Okay, but you need to put one on too."