What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?

A dead Centipede.

Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busylunchtime. They got behind a very fat business woman who had a pager with her. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced;

"Her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out,

"Run for your life, she's reversing!"

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says

"Remember, you have a wife."

What is the lightest thing in the world?

A penis...even a thought can raise it...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Russell was at his Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a decent girl, one with morals and not the usual tarts you seem to attract and settle down"


It was at this point the girlfriend left the room in tears.

A guy was out for a jog one day and was heading along the side of a busy road.

A few minutes into his jog he came across a woman lying at the side of the road. She was in a bad way and it was obvious she had been in a road accident.

He checked her for ID and found that she only lived around the corner from where the accident had happened.

He quickly ran round to the house and banged frantically on the door.

The woman's husband answered the door and the jogger quickly said "sorry pal but your wife looks like she has been hit by a bus".

The husband replied "Aye I know, but she's got a lovely personality"!


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 19 2011, 11:09 PM

Mary has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. She has picked up a few tricks.

One day her husband came home from work early and she was in the bedroom.

She said, "Abracadabra!" and her husband friend, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Abracadabra!

Girl : Wanna cook tonight?
Guy : No, I can't, I have this thing
Girl : What thing?
Guy : A pen1s

I have finally figured out why the Mrs is so fat. The shampoo she uses in the shower, that runs down her body clearly says, "for extra volume and body."

I'm going to recommend she uses dishwashing soap instead, it says, "dissolves oil that is otherwise difficult to remove."

A Bloke met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
The bloke said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"

"Wales, you idiot," one of them replied.

"Sorry," He said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

wah... itu betul jiwang relationship tenat liao

The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:

"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:

* In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
* In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
* In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
* In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...

* In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

Edward Cullen and his two vampire friends walk into a vampire bar.

The first vampire friend orders a "Blood screwdriver",
The second friend orders a "Blood on the rocks",

Then Edward asks the bartender for a cup of boiling water,
"Just a boiling water" says the confused barman
"yes please" says Edward
Still confused the bartender obliges and gets Edward his water

After his water arrives, Edward reaches down his pants, pulls a tampon out of his vagina and starts dipping it in the cup and says, "I'm making tea"

to understand the real "gender" of the actor

My Dad sat me down today to give me 'the talk'...

He said "First of all, you've gotta make sure it's nice and clean. Give it a quick rub, and you're almost ready to go!... Don't force it in, mind. You might damage something. Make sure it's turned on first and it will slide straight in. Then son, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy your night!"

"... Dad, for f*ck sake. I know how to work a DVD Player".

What do marriages and tornadoes have in common?

They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 12 2011, 10:20 PM