My girlfriend left some jewellery round at my house last night. She phoned me a couple of hours later, but I was busy

So I hurriedly replied "Sorry, I'm busy I'll give you a ring back later."

She said "I want the necklace and bracelets as well"

I really need to change girlfriend.

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following 5 symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"we can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the A$s on that Woman' "

My girlfriend said to me this morning, "Man U were shit last night."
I left the room in tears; 5 minutes is a personal best for me.

I can't believe my mother-in-law persuaded my wife to leave me.

And to think, I thought badly of her all these years.

The reason I haven't had sex for a long time is because my girlfriend said she wanted to wait until we were married.
It's taken me ages to find a new girlfriend.

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

"Here love, I'll change gear for you".

My wife stood before me and had some items in front of her. Without a word, she picked up and emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full.

I agreed that it was.

So my wife then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full.

I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then picked up a bag of sand and proceeded to pour it into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, soccer, the booze, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.

Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

Dear Thelma,

Please help! I've found out that the mild mannered man I married, is really a sex maniac. He make love to me any time he can. When I'm washing up, When I'm cooking, When I'm hanging the washing out, it's never ending. What can I do?

P.S. Please excuse the shaky handwriting

Snape: That's 10 points from Gryffindor!

Harry: Are you f*cking serious?

Snape: How did you know about Sirius and I?

I was at a recent job interview when the questions started to get a bit weird.

"Have you ever cheated on your wife?" he asked.

"Well, actually" I said shamefully, "There have been a few occasions when I've been unfaithful".

"How about dabbling in drugs?" he persisted.

Again, with my head hung low, I admitted to the frequent use of illegal substances.

"What about convictions for assault?" he added.

"Yes" I replied, "I have been charged with assault and street brawling."

"You're hired!" he said with an accompanying handshake.

I can't wait to start my career as a premiership footballer!

As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks", she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.

"Well I might as well walk then..." I said.

I was on Facebook last night and got pissed off by one attention seeking girl. It was all stuff like, "I'm bored..." and, "Feeling sad today..." and, "I just need someone to love me..."

Eventually, I looked up from my phone and said, "Shut the f*ck up and eat or this will be our last anniversary meal."

The wife is one of those people who has the amazing talent of being able to shake my wallet and know exactly how much money is in it.

Because it's empty.

Paul's wife of 20 years confessed she had made a porn video before they were married.
After insisting that they watch it, Paul said "Why did you pull such strange faces?"

She replied "That's what happens when I cum".

Was laying in the bed looking at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself.

Where the f*ck is the celling?

Apple Computers announced today that they have developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $1499 to $2499.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jun 20 2011, 10:31 AM

To save money on expensive sex lines,

simply call a suicide hotline and say you will kill yourself unless they talk dirty to you.

"Is it in yet?"

"Nope"

"How about now?"

"Not even close"

"Is it in now?"

"No"

"Is it close?"

"Not at all"

"How do you do this?"

"For f*ck sake Mary, get out the car and let me park it.

A ridiculously pretty woman came into the clinic complaining of problems with her vision.

"Get your breasts out and tell me what I'm doing," Doctor said.

"Erm..erm," she sputtered squinting her eyes. "Are you trying to get your pen working?"

"Good," The Doctor replied. "Now just stay sat there until I get the ink out".

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," the wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe don't go," He pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" She said.

"You're not pregnant?"