Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'

And the longest sentence is 'I do'

The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it, so I can watch it with my family.

One man's trash is another Man's treasure...


Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.

If online bullying has taught us anything it's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

"Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."

"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Marriage... because your shitty day doesn't have to end after work.

My nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"

I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."

He laughed and said, "Which bit?"

I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."

I accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...


So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and says it's a virus.

A crocodile, an ostrich, and an elephant are walking down the street when they stop a guy walking the other way.

The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe that you are under the influence of drugs of a hallucinogenic nature, sir."

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?


Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again

she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

My daughter came home today and said, "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."

"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"

I replied, "I know, I was talking to him."

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier!" I assured the wife.

"Turn the light back on you cunt!" she replied

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."


"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

I found out two things today.


1. My computer will always be better than me at chess.

2. I'm better than it at kick boxing.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.

It makes me feel as if I have a huge cock for nothing.

10 years.. yep.. didnt noticed its been such long time




Help I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!


Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.