Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they were a vegan

Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?

Student: Meat

Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?

Student: Bacon

Teacher: Great. And what does the fat cow give you?

Student: Homework

At a recent interview I was asked where can I see myself in 3 years time.

I dont know. Its not like i have 2020 vision.

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

My parents caned me as a child.
I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ...
"Respect for others"

Being an upcoming comedian, I have spent many, many hours wandering around my garden, smoking a cigarette, trying to come up with a good joke.

I've finally got something.

Lung Cancer

I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day,

if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates,

you were a faggot.

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

A man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Can you make your mind up !!"
" I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

Whenever my wife says we need to talk I counter with "let's have sex, then talk."

Checkmate!

Hugh Hefner RIP

Thanks for the mammaries.

I just found out my wife has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you? "I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?" "We were studying."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're doughnuts."

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing - I asked if they were gay.

Apparently that was enough for them to arrest me.

I've been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order and he asks her, "what's the special of the day?" "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.

" The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli.

When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

I'll never forget the day, 26th March 2015. A spaceship landed and I was approached by an alien who gave me six numbers.

"Use these on your lotto jackpot, " he said, "I will return in one week, please be here. " So I rushed off and used the numbers on the lottery. They were shit, not a fucking sen.

So I went to the meeting place a week later and sure enough the craft landed again and the alien approached me, "Well I said, those numbers were a waste of time, what the fuck was all that about?"

"We've been studying your language and customs for many years now, " replied the alien, "April fool you cunt."

My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume.

She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?

She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen"

She replied "I'm going as a nun, you bastard"

I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today,"

I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on lazada sales it isn't!" I said.