I told my dad to embrace his mistakes

He gave me a hug

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I failed my biology test today.

They asked me what is most commonly found inside cells.

Turns out black people wasn't the right answer.

The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

My Korean friend died last week...

So Yung

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F


Thank fuck the American election is over for another four years.
Now the rest of the world can go back to hating it's own politicians.


If Trump is the answer it must be a fucking stupid question.


Orange is the new Black.

A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

1. Keep your back straight
2. knees bent.
3. Feet shoulder width apart.
4. Form a loose Grip
5. keep your head down
6. avoid a quick backswing
7. stay out of the water
8. try not to hit anybody
9. if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
10. you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
11. be quiet when others are about to go
11. keep strokes to a minimum

Donald Trump did make history.

He won an argument against a woman.

The average person has sex 127 times a year.

My december is going to be fucking awesome.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

There has only been one girl ever who asked me for sex, that was nearly forty years ago and I have been with her ever since.




Waiting for her to ask again

I always call out my wife's name during sex.

Just to make sure she's not around.

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."

"You crafty cunt," said the fairy.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, "would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living."

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

I was in a disabilities awareness course and the instructor asked me:

"You see an intending passenger on a bus stop with a white cane and red ring around it, what would you do?"

"Well," I answered, "I would pull up, speak very slowly in manner that he would understand, give him time as he would be slower than everyone else, and try not to make his disability obvious to other passengers."

"Which is?" asked the instructor.

"He's a Manchester United Fan," I replied.

What do you call a Stormtrooper's wife?

Misses.

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain...

She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop...

just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.