I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 9 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? ;D"

Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!

Optimist: Yes, it can!

I feel sorry for the hypnotist we saw last night.

He called 6 random guy upon to the stage and hypnotized them, after having them in his power dropped the mic on his left foot and yelped out, "Fuck me."

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.


The refill contained the antidote.

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said,
"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants." While standing beside a Slovenian wife.

BBC News: "People who suffer from Anxiety and Depression more likely to develop Cancer"

That'll cheer them up.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted

Happy Post Single's Discrimination Day!

I said to wife yesterday, it's Valentines Day so why don't we try something from the 'Kama Sutra'......

'Lovely' she said, I'll have the Chicken Briani

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.


Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.


So I told her to sit down and shut up.
Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes...


So I came back with a wonder bra.

Farts are like children...


I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours.

Boobs are like the sun...


Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.

Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.