Just after the wife had given birth, Sam asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at Sam and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park."

Son: "What's algebra?"
Dad: "Something you take off a mermaid so you can play with her tits."

Bijob walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?"

"Its a red wine sauce I've made." The wife pointed her finger towards him and said, "Have a taste."

Bijob said, "That's facking disgusting."

"Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my arse with that one."

"For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you," said the wife.

"Who's Pete?" The husband asked.

"All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on," my wife said.

"So let's try and speak the same language from now on, eh?"

"Moooooooo," I replied.

A policeman knocked on a blondie's door this morning, but she just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but she just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but she was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid?" " I can see you in there ma'am, open the door".

Blondie said, "You're not coming in!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car".

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, "Dan, I've failed you as a mother."

"Mum, my name is Dave."

I was pulled over by the police today.

"How fast do you think you were going, sir?"

"60mph?" I asked.

"Try 135," the officer replied.

So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.

Inside a club...

"Give us an E"
"I'm an undercover police officer"
"errrrr Give me an N"
"Give me a G"
"Give me an L"
"Give me an A"
"Give me an N"
"Give me a D"
"Goooooo England"

Got away with that one I think

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbor pipes up, "You can clean mine next!"

"Ha ha!" I laughed.

Jesus, it's bad enough I have to f*ck his wife for him.

I was the first in line at the pharmacy and I asked for 50 condoms.
Two girls behind me started giggling, so I took a grim look at them and said:

In fact, I'll take 52.

I'm the world's worst rapist.
I was stalking this girl in the park. I had my handkerchief already soaked in chloroform, when suddenly she turned and looked at me. I nonchalantly pretended to blow my nose.......and woke up an hour later slumped over a park bench.

I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me.
Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet..."
"Let me guess," she said, "you'd put U and I together?"
I said, "No, I'd put U at the back of the Q."

After unexpectedly giving birth early in our bathroom, Paul's wife was delighted to have a beautiful baby boy.

"Just look at him Paul,and it looks like he takes after his daddy." She gushed.

"You mean he's the double of me, yeah I can see it." Paul replied.

"No" she chuckled," you both come way too soon."

Was walking past some farmland when I saw an attractive blonde attempting to assemble a PC in a cornfield.

She was genuinely flummoxed so I thought I would wander over and offer a hand.
"What seems to be the problem?"

"Just wondering where I can plug this lot into," she blushed prettily.
"You're never going to get that to work in a field, love."

She scratched her head and frowned, "Then I am never going to be able to fill in this bloody online application form."
"Pardon?" I asked, at a complete loss.

"Well it said to enter my information in the appropriate fields."

Anal sex is a lot like my first car.

I didn't really want it, but my dad gave it to me anyway.

Tom asked his new girlfriend how many men she has slept with.

She said, "Six. What about you?"

Tom said, "None, I'm straight."

So, Harry Potter kills he who must not be named!!

Ryan Giggs?

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that f*cking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.