just broke up last month. about 4 years of relationship.
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both of us we're in comfort zone. last year around end of year, i mentioned to him that we needed to save money for future(no matter how many years it takes for us to save), for our marriage or living cost or even trips(both of us are stupid in saving money and spending money) but he mistaken what i said and thought that i want us to get married by this year. both of us is in 30s, i'm 31 and him 38.
he got distanced from me because of this, and eventually everything gone wrong from there. we have our arguments and i ended up asking him to give ourselves a period of time to think about our relationship and what we want. i thought it only took a week or 2 before he will look for me, but i waited for about almost a month. i couldn't help but to contact him first because i missed him.
we got back together but he become cold to me. he said he's not ready to sacrifice for marriage yet, he wanted to do things he like, like travelling, learning guitar, still wanted to continue his passion for comic books and stuff. he ask me to find out what i wanted for myself and our relationship, and i am reluctant to him about my answer because i know he will not like what i wanted.
anyway.. as few weeks passed by, i accidentally found out his not-so 'secret' blog. from there, i found out about his started to lost his feeling towards me and his little naughty affair with his colleague which didn't work out. things gone from bad to worst. i went to confront him and we ended up broke up for real.
so after a few days after our breakup, i coincidentally have a business trip to china for a week. it really helps me a lot to keep myself from becoming emotional and probably behave dangerously to myself. after i came back from china however, i become emotional again. i tried to chat with him for a couple of times, but our chat always ended up differing us apart like 2 strangers meeting for the first time.
weekends were our significant days to meet up because both of us are staying 1 to 1 1/2 hour away from each other. since our last conflict till our breakup, it is hard to go through this 2 days. instead of avoiding the places we've been hanging out like shopping malls and restaurants, i keep going back to these places to refresh back my memories with him like a zombie walking aimlessly. i even went to few other further places that we visited before like waterfall, beaches, museum, etc.
i also have to admit, i've been stalking him online our break up because i care for him, misses him to much and wonder if he is doing fine without me. it's a bad habit but i can't help myself. Because of him, i started my own blog, writing my own feelings down which really soothes me well. also, i started to take random photos again, taking photos of places i go with the doll he gave me before as a christmas present. it was a pair, but i only took the female doll.
last 2 days Fast Furious has just started to show. both of us are movie go-ers and i took the opportunity to ask him out for "last" movie. he agree and we went out yesterday night. i told him that i misses him and asked for a 2nd chance for our relationship, but i already know the answer from his gestures the moment i went to hug him when we were heading up the elevator.
it was another torturous night yesterday, but it makes me realized i have to fully let go of everything. so i guess, i have to replace the doll that reminds me of him into another new doll that i will tomorrow or next week, as a symbol of me getting through all these as a new individual me.
i started to join a few random gatherings to meetup, learning to express my feelings that i used to keep to myself more openly(due to my bad past relationship) through photos and few apps and hopefully to real friends. and for the rest of the weekends, i will try to fill it with meeting some of my friends and going to local places to discover new places
Apr 6 2015, 05:23 PM
, + Enrol my self to Thai language class starting soon this week 
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I wish good luck you!)
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